What is "affair support" to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
What is "affair support" to you?
53
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:01am

There arose a little tiff on another thread about someone being "non-supportive" and that this is an "affair support" board.

What does "affair support" mean to you, personally?

When I came here, maybe 1 1/2 years ago, I was amazed that there was a place I could share my affair story and not be judged, ridiculed, berated, etc.

I did not, however, expect to have a cheering squad yelling "yay rah rah!!" or "you go girl!" I never minded the hard questions or the things people might say to make me think about what I was doing.

There have been times people have posted and I so wanted to post and mention the spouse's feelings or the unfairness to the kids, especially in discovery stories (some where wives or children walked in on "the act") but I've seen people get put down for even mentioning sympathy to a spouse. Aren't the spouses human beings with feelings too? Where did they sign up for all this? Aren't we supposed to think about them or at least consider them in the grand scheme of things?

If someone complains about their A/P's "controlling spouse" or "suspicious spouse" I sometimes want to say - maybe they sense something is very wrong and they're trying to use "control" to get things back the way they were! Imagine sensing your spouse slipping away, losing interest, and you have no idea why or what you're up against. On top of that, said spouse is probably telling you everything is fine and you're crazy! How would that feel? It might make you the domineering, suspicious sort of person that your A/P describes.

I think this place could become a lot more thoughtful AND helpful if people weren't jumped on for being "non supportive" when they're only trying to think things out from all angles.

I can understand not wanting that sort of input from a BS or BG, but if we're all in the same category - OW or WSs or even former OW/WS - then I see nothing wrong in exploring every aspect of our A and what it means to us, our A/Ps and both of our families.

Someone here made a thoughtful post about "support" on another thread and I'm going to look for it and post it.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Tue, 03-24-2009 - 11:49pm
Pretti...thanks so much for posting.
maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 9:49am

well done pretti, i followed your story at the time, and im happy that you stuck ground in what you beleived to be the right choice at that time. Good luck and hope all goes well. It does go to show that everyone and every situation is different and some posters who think they know the answer to it all are so so wrong.


Maystone i agree with what your saying. Support does come in various forms, but i stand strong in saying that unless you know the poster, or you know what kind of response they can handle then why be so harsh and downright rude to them. At the end of the day if ones opinions are straight to the point in what they beleive to be the answer, their is still a respectable way in wich to put your message across without being down right rude. Ive seen many of responses that have been quite hard and direct and sometimes truthfull but posted in a way that the respondant is more than likely to take note. And then their have been those that come across as having moral high ground, dont give a damn and beleive that they know it all but achieve nothing but offending the poster.


I dont think its whats is being said but how its being said thats the problem


take care


SS

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2009
Wed, 03-25-2009 - 2:44pm

Affair Support: Well I am on the team to help anyone that wants to stay in their affair - my specialty of course. I am on the team if you want to know how to handle those special trysts - what to wear, what to get - where to dine, drink and dance - I think an affair can be awesome - short or long term.

No guilt from me - ever. I am all about the love. And don't be labeling me -

Support is not about telling you what YOU need to do based upon my values or judgements - it is about me simply listening to you..... tell you it will be OK..... sharing the highlights and the low - but this is all about the affair and if no one had them - well why would we need this place..... it is about the positive aspects of complex human relationships. We are ALL wired differently. I do not fit in a box- so I hope there are a lot of you out there like me...... we live we love we laugh and we go to work and do what we have to do............. and then we get these special moments - those of us that are lucky to connect in a special relationship.......

Sorry I am a bad boy. ( I am not really sorry - just sorry we all cant bask in the afterglow with our lovers)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2009
Thu, 03-26-2009 - 5:41pm

I, for one, agree with the "call it like I see it" tactic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Sat, 03-28-2009 - 12:41am
If you ever need to talk -- let me know. I'll happily listen. I haven't been here long, but I DO understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Sat, 03-28-2009 - 2:32pm
Autumn...thanks so much.
maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Sat, 03-28-2009 - 2:44pm

notsure... thanks so much...i really appreciate it. I was just reading your other post about wanting to end your ea.

maystone
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2008
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 8:08pm

I've been mostly a lurker on the MAS board (posted on the mismatched libidos board quite a bit a year or so ago) but based on what I have seen on this board in recent months, have absolutely no desire to post to this board. I have seen posters ask very specific questions along the lines of "how do you do it?" concerning various angles of an affair and seen them not get responsive answers, only some "old timer" from this board giving them an earful of what they think they should be "supported" with. It's usually very moralistic in tone, and ends with "going NC."

I can understand that someone who has BTDT may know all the angles, but unless the poster is asking about all the angles, just answer the question that the poster needs support with. If you can't do that, then post elsewhere. Perhaps "after the affair" or "ending your affair" or one of those boards would be a better place for your experienced advice.

This is a very depressing place to be. In fact, it's gotten so bad that I don't even lurk much anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2008
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 10:06pm
I agree so agree with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Sun, 03-29-2009 - 10:29pm
Yes, unfortunately I observed the very same thing... you said it very well and I completely agree with you.
maystone