What is "affair support" to you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
What is "affair support" to you?
53
Sun, 03-22-2009 - 10:01am

There arose a little tiff on another thread about someone being "non-supportive" and that this is an "affair support" board.

What does "affair support" mean to you, personally?

When I came here, maybe 1 1/2 years ago, I was amazed that there was a place I could share my affair story and not be judged, ridiculed, berated, etc.

I did not, however, expect to have a cheering squad yelling "yay rah rah!!" or "you go girl!" I never minded the hard questions or the things people might say to make me think about what I was doing.

There have been times people have posted and I so wanted to post and mention the spouse's feelings or the unfairness to the kids, especially in discovery stories (some where wives or children walked in on "the act") but I've seen people get put down for even mentioning sympathy to a spouse. Aren't the spouses human beings with feelings too? Where did they sign up for all this? Aren't we supposed to think about them or at least consider them in the grand scheme of things?

If someone complains about their A/P's "controlling spouse" or "suspicious spouse" I sometimes want to say - maybe they sense something is very wrong and they're trying to use "control" to get things back the way they were! Imagine sensing your spouse slipping away, losing interest, and you have no idea why or what you're up against. On top of that, said spouse is probably telling you everything is fine and you're crazy! How would that feel? It might make you the domineering, suspicious sort of person that your A/P describes.

I think this place could become a lot more thoughtful AND helpful if people weren't jumped on for being "non supportive" when they're only trying to think things out from all angles.

I can understand not wanting that sort of input from a BS or BG, but if we're all in the same category - OW or WSs or even former OW/WS - then I see nothing wrong in exploring every aspect of our A and what it means to us, our A/Ps and both of our families.

Someone here made a thoughtful post about "support" on another thread and I'm going to look for it and post it.

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Tue, 03-31-2009 - 2:49pm

how fascinating.

i pop in after months of being away, after 2 years of lurking that followed 2 years of posting - and the same debate is going on. except this time the weight is shifting in the "tough love" direction - just as i predicted. yes somewhere back there in a post i can't find, i saw this coming and here's why: as long as this board fails to follow by the guidelines so appropriately quoted, it is doomed to become a non-support board for people in affairs.

Fact 1. Society as a whole is a non-support board for affairs. if I want a dose of reality, i can call anyone in my address book and they would gladly kick my butt. i don't need to come here for that.

Fact 2. This board was set up as a place for peers to find common ground. it's a tiny island in a vast sea of admonishment. truthfully i wasn't here for the founding but i wish i could find someone who was. my guess is that they did not want to hear from people who used to be in affairs and "saw the light" because, golly, they went to the trouble of specifically saying MAS is for people *in* affairs or contemplating an affair. they knew there were other places to go if you want someone to talk you out of an affair on moral grounds. as long as participants and cl's embrace the posters who "saw the light", the board will be divided and - in my opinion - die a slow and self-righteous death.

Fact 3. Just as i hear ad nauseum "you can skip the responses you don't like", there is no rule that says you have to respond to every post. someone else said they don't like to give advice on where and when and what to wear - neither do i, so i don't. what makes the posters who "saw the light" think they need to respond to every post? unless it is their job to make sure everyone sees their wicked ways, accepts their moral bankruptcy and ends their affairs.

Fact 4. Absolutely no one on Any board should be preaching about "better morals" unless i have seen them walk on water. Adultery is not the only sin: self-righteousness and lack of compassion are just as selfish and egotistical. you have no idea what kind of other dirty deeds these people have done - only that they profess to have avoided or ended an affair. maybe in the time they are not on the boards they beat their children or ignore ailling parents or steal from their employers. maybe they are just addicted to the internet and let the rest of the people in their lives suffer while they dispense great advice. and maybe i haven't been here because i'm handing out free food or cleaning an animal shelter or raising money to cure cancer. so i certainly don't need to hear about high morals from afar.

Fact 5. Most people come here conflicted, confused, uncertain. what they want to hear is they are not crazy. after that, i don't know what they want - only what they say they want. and i surely don't know what they need - other than a place that is welcoming that they can return to.

MAS was here when i needed a place to think and compare - and it became a place to make friends who have helped me through much more than just an affair. i would hope that it can be a stopping place for others, but i find the attitude to be too contentious to stay. the good news is there are always new people rolling through and if you don't relate to the ones you see now, maybe they will be replaced.

Mrs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2007
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 2:12pm

Mrs S&J,'


I couldn't have said it any better.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
Thu, 04-02-2009 - 7:06pm
Absolutely....very well said!!
maystone

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