What am I in??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
What am I in??
8
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 3:50pm

I am so confused and not sure what to think. I don’t know where we stand; here is my “long story short” –


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
Mon, 09-14-2009 - 11:57pm
Here are my thoughts...I'm in a very similar situation. The first time my AP (I guess I'll call it that) and I slept together...it couldn't happen again etc. We work together...but not in a corporate setting and do not live in the same town. We had a MAJOR falling out and didn't speak to each other for two weeks or so after the falling out. Then one day, randomly, he called me and offered to come to my market??? It was the WEIRDEST thing in the world. Nothing happened when he came b/c he did travel home that night, but when he was on his way he sent me a text that said "please cancel our room for tonight." What?? OUR room? See, he had originally planned on staying over at the hotel. We haven't had any opportunities for anything to happen since then...until last Monday. We have gradually began talking and working together more and more since December. So...last Monday...we slept together again, but this time the weird thing was all of what you said...talked about attraction etc and how much we enjoy our talks etc. This time, afterwards, we only talked about being "careful" b/c neither of us will leave our spouses. We have feelings...or I do...haven't really asked him and my guess is that when we are together, alone...if given the option, we will continue to hook up. That would be my guess in your situation as well.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2008
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 8:06am

This is totally normal from my experience. AP & I work together for 9 years but 8 of those he was on he road. We became friends when he started in the office. He was always trying to cheer me up and ask what was wrong when I confided in him that I was having an EA with another co-worker. He made it his mission to get me away from the other co-worker but in the process we began flirting etc. After 2 months we slept together and we agreed it could never happen again because he felt so guilty. We continued our flirting and playing around then something came over him one day 6 months later and we slept together twice in one day but this time it was different and there was no conversation about it never happening again. it was more whatever happens, happens.


We are more done now then we have been and it hurts especially having to see him all day long but I'm hoping it will get easier with time. I understand how you feel, I don't want to be done, I love how he makes me feel when he pays attention to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 10:05am

Thank you so much for your thoughts and sharing your own situation(s). So you are saying that after the first initial time is over and you go through this “holding period”, if it does happen again it is a completely different type of “situation”? Why is that I wonder?? I also hear that after the first time the sex gets better and better, is that true also? I guess I’m a little concerned, I say that because while I do have feelings for him, they are not MAJOR like “in love” feelings BUT I do feel that if we do it again, it will become much harder for me to ever walk away from this and I will be much more attached to him, I don’t understand why I feel that way though now and not for the first time we slept together, do I make sense, lol?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 10:59am

Thank you so much for your thoughts and sharing your own situation(s). So you are saying that after the first initial time is over and you go through this “holding period”, if it does happen again it is a completely different type of “situation”? Why is that I wonder?? I also hear that after the first time the sex gets better and better, is that true also? I guess I’m a little concerned, I say that because while I do have feelings for him, they are not MAJOR like “in love” feelings BUT I do feel that if we do it again, it will become much harder for me to ever walk away from this and I will be much more attached to him, I don’t understand why I feel that way though now and not for the first time we slept together, do I make sense, lol?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 6:58pm
I'm not totally sure that it is so different except that after the second time, it truly was more...we need to be more careful. Of course, we almost got caught and truly were playing with fire b/c it was at his house. Whether we will continue or not, my guess is yes based on his actions the last week since it has happened, but I haven't had that conversation with him nor do I really plan to. We have a great business relationship and I don't want to change that, I would like to continue discreetly, but don't want the drama of a relationship etc and bringing up the "what are we" talk right now may create unnecessary drama. Hopefully, in the next couple weeks, when I see him again in person, I will be able to get an idea of "what we are". Sometimes we just sort of have to go with the flow. As far as it being "better" the second time...ours was more rushed because we were at his house while W was sleeping and we had had WAY too much to drink. Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 11:00pm

hi LisGA,


i wanted to share some of my thoughts with you on workplace As. Of course there are many different people with many different experiences, but some things are common to all affairs at work.


First off, my A also started out as none of us wanting to change the status quo, and this lasts for a while. It could be many months before you change your mind on that. But, eventually one of you, if not both, will want more, especially in a physical A. There is no way to avoid the talk of "what we are" - it will come up and it will be hard.


Unless you are totally cold hearted and have no feelings inside you, there's no way you can sleep with someone for months and not develop an attachment.


So, basically, you're in an A. the on and off is totally normal, and usually it gets even more confusing and painful as time goes by until either you're discovered or one AP wants out.


I want out - my A lasted over a year with my xAP desparately trying to hang on but it's just way too difficult to deal with on an emotional/moral/psychological level for me.


My advice would be to not get involved in an A, and definitely not one in the workplace. They will make your life very very difficult.


i hope this helps or at least gives you some food for thought,


Sunshine

.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 4:00pm

Thanks to all of you for your input, it has helped me a lot to try and figure stuff out, i'm so thankful for this place!


Do any of you think he and I can be alone w/out anything happening and just be friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2009
Wed, 09-16-2009 - 5:35pm

our situation sounds alike; you were brave and ended it; i am trying but i don't know how; how can i end something that i don't even know how it started. there is no communication with us until i get the next text "doors open" text. those usually come a couple times a month; we were just together fri pm.


i am m he is s. what we have is just good sex and the desire to have it with one another; i have no idea why it has continued for 3 years; most likely because i enable it. how do i stop and really mean it ?