I felt tremendous guilt and torn all the time when I was involved in an affair. And I didn't have a good marriage at that time. Terrible one. But I kept going back to drink from that tainted well, and all it got me was divorced. I, too, loved my husband. And despite that things weren't good at that time, I really didn't want to divorce. I really hoped that things would get better. What I realize now, several years out, is that there is no way things could have gotten better when I had a secret life and was diverting attention away from my marriage. When I read on here people that are either involved in MC themselves or their APs are, yet they are still cheating, I shake my head. Because their lives are entrenched in betrayal and dishonesty. How could they possibly get much out of counseling when they lie through the whole thing? For people to truly resolve problems and issues, there has to be honesty present. And having an affair and honesty are diametrically opposed. They pretty much cancel each other out. Now, I don't say all of this to judge anyone. I don't think most people that do these things are horrible people. Not myself, nor anyone else. But I do think that those involved in affairs compartmentalize things in order to look in the mirror. I know I did.
I don't know if this helps at all. I guess I'm just trying to let you in on the realities of what can happen should the affair continue and you get found out somehow. It happens. All of the time. Just read the posts.
I don't have any advice for you, just commiseration. I am basically in the same position. I have recently begun what I guess I might as well call an A, and it is wonderful and terrible at the same time. My AP is happily married and definitely has no interest in leaving his W. I am not so miserable in my marriage that I am wanting a divorce, but AP fills the void that my marriage leaves me with. My H, although a good guy who I still consider "a catch", is what I would describe as incapable of meeting my emotional needs. He doesn't really understand me.
I wish I had some advice for you too..but I am in same situation.. and keep asking myself How did I get here.??
I am on my second marriage 12yrs and honestly it has been on auto pilot for the last 10, H is a very good decent man, and has always taken very good care of me and been there for me through so much.,He is what everyone else considers an ideal H...But..things have changed so much since he had a horrible accident.some years ago and something is so missing from our relationship..and he himself has changed alot..I guess I have too...
Never in a million years would of saw myself in a A or R with someone outside of this marriage..Something inside me just
I felt tremendous guilt and torn all the time when I was involved in an affair. And I didn't have a good marriage at that time. Terrible one. But I kept going back to drink from that tainted well, and all it got me was divorced. I, too, loved my husband. And despite that things weren't good at that time, I really didn't want to divorce. I really hoped that things would get better. What I realize now, several years out, is that there is no way things could have gotten better when I had a secret life and was diverting attention away from my marriage. When I read on here people that are either involved in MC themselves or their APs are, yet they are still cheating, I shake my head. Because their lives are entrenched in betrayal and dishonesty. How could they possibly get much out of counseling when they lie through the whole thing? For people to truly resolve problems and issues, there has to be honesty present. And having an affair and honesty are diametrically opposed. They pretty much cancel each other out. Now, I don't say all of this to judge anyone. I don't think most people that do these things are horrible people. Not myself, nor anyone else. But I do think that those involved in affairs compartmentalize things in order to look in the mirror. I know I did.
I don't know if this helps at all. I guess I'm just trying to let you in on the realities of what can happen should the affair continue and you get found out somehow. It happens. All of the time. Just read the posts.
Thanks for the reply.
I don't have any advice for you, just commiseration. I am basically in the same position. I have recently begun what I guess I might as well call an A, and it is wonderful and terrible at the same time. My AP is happily married and definitely has no interest in leaving his W. I am not so miserable in my marriage that I am wanting a divorce, but AP fills the void that my marriage leaves me with. My H, although a good guy who I still consider "a catch", is what I would describe as incapable of meeting my emotional needs. He doesn't really understand me.
I wish I had some advice for you too..but I am in same situation.. and keep asking myself How did I get here.??
I am on my second marriage 12yrs and honestly it has been on auto pilot for the last 10, H is a very good decent man, and has always taken very good care of me and been there for me through so much.,He is what everyone else considers an ideal H...But..things have changed so much since he had a horrible accident.some years ago and something is so missing from our relationship..and he himself has changed alot..I guess I have too...
Never in a million years would of saw myself in a A or R with someone outside of this marriage..Something inside me just