What am I doing???
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| Thu, 10-16-2003 - 1:36pm |
It's my first time posting on this board..though several on others.
Ok, here's my situation---
I am married, 8 years, with two kids (I'm 26). My husband and I have been on a rollercoaster since the get go. We've gone to counseling, etc.. The last few months have been tough. I asked for a separation the day before my birthday...needless to say, I stayed, hoping to mend things, though knowing deep down my hearts not in it anymore. So, this is were it gets complicated.
I'm a clerk at my local hospital. The last few years, I've had an eye for one of the Dr.'s. You could say a secret crush. We've casually talked about our similar intrests, as time at work would allow.. I bought him a book, hiking, one of our mutual intrests...he returned the favor with a nice gift for me. All was well, until we started to e-mail. I should say, he's married also, 9 years, with two kids (he's 40).
It's been known to a lot of people that he isn't happy in his marriage. So, it made it easy for me to e-mail him. They started out simple enough, but have grown into, what I like to say "electronic intercourse". I can't get enough, I check my mail continuosly, waiting for his next letter.
I met him last week for the first time face to face, outside of the work place. It was sweet relief. We were like old friends catching up. As I was leaving, we hugged, but it was interuppted by the ring of the phone--his wife... probably a safe thing...
In the last few weeks I've asked for a separation. I have an apt. three blocks away from my house. I just need time to figure it all out. But after last week, with the Dr. I'm at a loss. I know that nothing long term will come of our affair, but I can't get enough. How do I help myself? I feel insane right now, though I'd never let Doc know, I don't want to scare him off. He's the one person I can be honest with right now, as we are in the same emotional boat... Tied securely to our roots, but wanting to let go...
If anyone has any advice --please post... some outside input would be helpful....

congratulations on actually taking that first BIG step toward separation, getting your own apt. what else do you have to figure out? custody, finances, what? at least you're taking steps in the direction YOU obviously want to go.
the doc. is a nice distraction, but he's not the reason you are leaving the M, is he? and you say you don't want to let on to him how "insane" you are, but he's the only one you can be honest with -- that doesn't make any sense. you should tell him all that is going on in your life, even the hard parts. if MM gets scared off, it's because he doesn't want to feel responsible or part of your new life. if he's sympathetic and supportive, then the commonality you feel with him will continue. it doesn't sound like you've been "physical" yet. try to take a step back from MM and do what is necessary to take care of yourself and your children.
move on with your live, on your own path. the doc will either follow along or not. and you'll have the answers you need for your future decisions.
best of luck and a few hugs too,
gurl
I know, I need to be completely honest.I just don't want him to think all I do is sit here and obsess over him. Just on ocassion... We have GR (ground rules) laid out... have from the get go. It's a good thing, or I'd be paging him all the time. I'm just so confused. We both know that we want the same things, as we've verbalized and written this. Whether it's mental support or physical, doesn't matter. I'm taking what I can get.
He just perplexes me. One minute he's gung-ho, the next he's cautious. I guess I can understand, as we both have a lot to lose- He- his practice, kids etc.. Me- my job, kids etc.. I can understand if he's scared, God, I am too. But these feelings...Ah, I haven't felt like this in Years... I know---lust , desire, whatever it is, will bite me in the butt in the end, but it's helping me to cope...
This relationship w/ the doc didn't bring on my leaving. It just helped me realize I have a bunch of feelings to deal with. My H is dealing ok with me moving. The kids will stay with him, until I decide, to be gone for good, or come home. I have my first session w/ the shrink next Tues. My H wanted to go toghether, but I'd like to go alone for a while...
Thank you again Gurl-----Oceangodess
anyway, i'm glad you're doing counseling. do it for several sessions alone to get your head on straight. H can find his own therapist to work through his issues.
MM is confused, just like you. not sure if he wants to start over or get involved with another woman or stay in his comfortable life. you have to get him all the information you can and then a little time to digest it. and a little space too.
ocean, take care of yourself and your children first. and relax a bit, we all obsess on our MM/SM/OM, whatever. it's natural to wonder what's going on when you're not with them.
just understand that everything you are feeling is normal and you are going through tons of changes right now, so confusion will be part of the picture for awhile. therapy will help resolve some of that.
sounds like you've got your feet on the ground and a relatively clear head, so move forward and great, good luck! stay in touch and we'll be here for you anytime.
gurl