What am I going to do????
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What am I going to do????
| Sat, 05-23-2009 - 10:28am |
Okay, I apologize for the long post, but I really need some advice and an outsiders perspective.
| Sat, 05-23-2009 - 10:28am |
Okay, I apologize for the long post, but I really need some advice and an outsiders perspective.
The way I see this is that you're banking too much on V and V is not a "free" man. He needs to sort his crap out without any influences from you. I think it's a big mistake to hinged your future life and happiness on someone who's M and obligated to someone else.
The fact that he's already having so much trouble making crucial decisions are very BIG red flags signs of what you will be in for in your future if you persist on having him as a future husband. He will always have the guilt of breaking up his family and may even blame you for that. He's kids will most likely hate the both of you and can you both live with that?
It's good that you're both taking time off to think about this. Meantime, try to wean yourself out of this situation and accept that this may not be the best match for you.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
I usually just lurk--seldom post, but I feel I should respond to you. I was married to a man about 10 years older than me. We each had one child. I was your age when we married, I felt there was time for me to have another child. He was completely open to having another child until after we married.
About 6 months to a year into the marriage he told me he had changed his mind. He was unwilling to have another baby. I was devastated. It was the beginning of the end of this marriage. It has taken years to forgive him for this. I believe he knew before we married, but knew I'd never agree to marry if we weren't in agreement on this issue. IMO, this is something that you don't change your mind about.
I am 42 now. My DS is now 17. I am thankful for the DS I have, but for most of my life I wanted 3 children. I was very angry for a long time w/ exH for taking this option away from me. I resented him throughout the marriage and for a long time after the divorce. We also had the chance to adopt a baby, and he refused to allow that as well.
I guess I am giving you all this information because I believe the desire to have children is very strong. I think its good that your AP has finally told you he is unwilling to have additional children before you married--although 3 years is a long time to wait to tell you or to make up his mind about this. I am wondering if signing those papers just made everything more real to him. Maybe that is why he was finally able to level with you about children.
Good luck to you. Sorry if too much info.
This is a link I would suggest you to read through.
The road you are traveling is not an easy one. It is good to be mentally prepared.
http://www.gloryb.com/emerald/heleft.html
Hi there,
I never post here anymore but I saw your story and wanted to tell you a little bit about me - to give you some hope. Back in 2003, I was very unhappily married and became involved with a married coworker. He was the love of my life and it was a very passionate affair - soulmates, the whole thing. I did not have children; he had 2 little ones. After only a couple of months, we both left our spouses and moved in together. It was heaven. I immediately started the process of filing for divorce as soon as the waiting period was up and about 8 months later, I was finally free of my abusive ex. That's about the time I started noticing that my AP had not started his own process for his divorce - which he swore he wanted. Over the next two years, his waffling back and forth over getting divorced would eventually consume our relationship, bringing it to a level of almost constant daily fighting, screaming and crying. He moved out of our apartment 4 months after moving in with me and moved back near where his children lived, in order to "tie up loose ends". For two years, I did not know his address or where he lived. My friends told me I was a fool and that he had moved back home. I was a fool for love I suppose. By the time I was 33, I was constantly upset to the point of being mentally affected. I was always upset, underweight and a mess. Like yourself, I wanted a family and he wasn't sure what he wanted at all! He just couldn't get it together to file for divorce. On New Years Eve, December 2005 I issued an ultimatum, come over to my place and spend NY Eve with me and I will view that as a sign you are serious about a future with me, having a family with me, and are going to file for divorce.
He didn't show up.
I cried for probably the next three months. I did get some emails from him but I told him the same thing - come over when you've filed. He would argue with me, how unfair I was being and so on but I held firm. It was very tough. In April 2006, I met a man while out with my friends, a friend of a friend, and he asked me out. Was it the same fire as with AP? No, of course not but what a relief to be out in the open and not hiding! And he treated me so well. We married in late '07 (I was 35) and I am about to have our first child in a few weeks. I am happy.
What happened to AP?? Truthfully, I really don't know! I told him when i got engaged and he said that he guessed he couldn't really give me what I wanted - a family of my own, and was sorry for the way he lied and treated me over the years. Other than that...I would bet he is still married, and you know, I hope they worked it out since now I know a bit about how important kids are in your life. But he's out of my head and my heart. And I was just like you - I swore I would NEVER get over this man. Time apart has an amazing way of healing you.
Of course, maybe my AP wasn't my soulmate and maybe yours is - in which case, maybe it will all work out for you. BUT, don't compromise on what you want in life - the desire to have a child will not go away, it will only get stronger and breed resentment in you. And don't think you are too old at 30, to start over! 30 is YOUNG. You've got 10 could years to find someone and have a child, maybe older than that! But don't think of it as a conquest, think of it as that you want to be happy in life. Don't settle for less than you deserve.
Hope this helped.
I'm sorry that you are hurting and going through such a shock and terrible time. Although I think it has been very unfair to you, I do understand this man's worrying about his children. This is in no way meant to be an offense to you but his children should come first. They are young and innocent. Granted, he should have dealt with this at the beginning and made his decision one way or the other when he kept telling you he was ready. Coming from the outside, I think this happens ALL THE TIME in affairs. They say they will leave and find a million excuses why they can't and years down the road, the woman finally has had enough and leaves.
I can imagine you love him with all your heart but I doubt he will leave and you have a life that you need to live! Sitting around and waiting for something that MAY happen is not good enough. You deserve much better and especially if you know in your heart you want children. Yes, it is very possible for you to meet someone new and move on. Only you can decide when and if you are ready for that.
Good luck to you in whatever you do decide.
MY
I would like to comment on your remark:
"I lost everything in a matter of hours."
You did not lose everything in a matter of hours. You lost everything in the single moment when you decided to start dating a man who is married.
When you enter into such a relationship, you start out with the chips stacked against you. First, the odds are high that the man with whom you invest all of your time, energy, and affection - to such a degree that your friends now suggest that you "love only him" and that no one else could possibly be the love of your life - is someone who will remain solidly married to his current wife. Much of the time, mistresses are strung along forever with no divorce ever occuring. Your relationship is no more "special" than that all of the other mistresses who believed they would soon be "wife."
Second, the odds are high that the man with whom you allowed yourself to fall in love is NOT capable of an intimate, mature relationship. If he was, he would be having one...not with you (silly!)...with his wife! From an objective perspective, a man who avoids resolving conflicts with his wife is not capable of mature love. Being in a loving relationship has much more to do with our own actions than any other person's, so don't try to blame this on his poor wife.
Third, the odds are high that since the man has now allowed himself the convenient pattern of avoiding problems with his primary relationship by seeking out a third party to vent to (classic psychology term = triangulation - people also pull in their children in a "triangle" to avoid conflicts amongst themselves), he will continue this handy pattern in his relationship with you. I.e., this won't be his last affair.
Now, to be more optimistic!
You write: "I am 30 years old, and I always wanted to be finished having children by the age of 35. So, in the next 4 years, am I really going to be able to meet someone new, fall in love again, marry and have a child?"
Well, of course you can, my dear! You aren't so old, after all! Even if you were 40, it would be entirely possible for you to fall in love and have children. You have a 10-year lead time on that!
But "What about the love for V, I don't ever see that going away. We have been through so many things, and I have forgiven so much. What if the pain never goes away?"
Silly, haven't you been through that before? At 30, surely you can recollect moments of great pain and grief, particularly after a break-up, and know well enough that these do not last forever.
UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU MAKE THEM LAST FOREVER...BY DRAGGING THIS OUT INTO ETERNITY...HENCE FULFILLING YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRE TO AVOID BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP...
Do take better care of yourself, end this relationship at once, cut off all contact with this wimp, and enjoy the rest of your long, fruitful life!