what am I hanging on for?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
what am I hanging on for?
3
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 1:17pm

So yesterday came and went pretty much how I expected. AP was gone all weekend, had his big therapy session on Monday. He was supposed to make some sort of decision about what he was going to do. He texted which I was happy for. He said that he had a long day, mentally exhausted and would call me today. He had made no decisions yet. He did end our short text convo with an xo...which I am clinging to. Clinging to.. but I don't know why. Seems like I have some thinking to do as well. There's no way to support him if he doesn't talk. If he's stressed he pulls away. He wants to be alone. Where when I was going through some marriage stuff years ago I need him. He was my escape. But he doesn't work that way. Feels like I 'm just another thing he has to manage.

He asked that I be patient. And I will. again. I will be there to listen when he needs it but my mindset needs to change. I'm struggling with what I am hanging on for exactly. If he stays there will continue to be another never ending barrage of "crap" to deal with when it comes to them. If he leaves..there will be the fear always over me that he will want to date. Maybe not right away but sometime. And I know how it will end. It's one thing to know that it will end ONE day but a whole other thing to know how and see it coming.

I'm not contacting him. But not avoiding him either. It's got to be him. I know that he is thinking very little of me right now. He's got big stuff on his plate. I just wish he needed me and I wish I didn't feel so out of sorts. There's literally nothing I can do.

Sad. Wondering if it will ever feel "normal " again. This year has SUCKED! On my part, the bad has started to overtake the good. But what a crappy time to quit.

chechi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 3:11pm

Hi Chechi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-03-2010 - 11:11pm
Sigh.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Wed, 08-04-2010 - 11:52am

They ARE complicated!

Thanks both of you for the input.

JJ-yes he is trying to decide to if he is going to leave her or just "put on his happy face" and stay. I think in the end he will eventually leave or she will leave him. It may not happen this time because their kids are so young but I really don't see them working the issues out as he's reported them. He thinks they are completely incompatible. From what I see he is miserable.

ile- We had a chat yesterday...I of course lost all my cool and started crying. I hate that about me!! He was instantly annoyed I thought. It ended all fine and but my nerves just get the worst of me. I just wanted to know that I should be sticking around for a reason. I mean will things ever get back to normal? He said all of his emotions are turned off...in self protection mode. And that he is sorry he can't be all lovey with me. Just hard for me to process that. I leaned on him heavily when I was having trouble here. I just flat out said I need you and am glad you are here. . He says his head is very cluttered but in no way does it affect us and his feelings for me. He just needs to figure out what to do, being patient would really help. It sucks to be on the back burner. I guess I understand it, since talking to him but that doesn't mean I like it. He said we've been through tough times before, we'll figure this out...nice to see that he thinks we are solid.

Where I am with this and the choice I need to make is wether or not I can handle it over and over. If he stays..it will happen again and again. I know it. She will hurt him, piss him off...something and affect his mood and I have to deal with it. I have to put myself out there to be ignored or shot down because he's in a mood. If he leaves...well that changes our whole dynamic. I know he has not even gotten that far yet. I have because I don't have to deal with the details of leaving a marraige with young kids.

Going to meet him for lunch today....we'll see how it goes.

c