What am I? Sexual chopped liver?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
What am I? Sexual chopped liver?
18
Sat, 08-04-2012 - 11:10pm

I'm not sure what's happening with XAP.  In the past few months, we've gotten a lot closer. I think part of it was they got a new cellphone tower in his part of town, so he now has decent cell signal in his house.  So we chat all day at work, and most nights.  Sometimes it is a little confusing to my head because he will usually chat any any given time, so it makes me feel like he is single.  I gotta say, I just don't GET him.  I try not to be suggestive most of the time, but I do have lapses when I flirt pretty obviously, and while he is polite, he is always very solid in his stance to not reengage sexually.  It can be frustrating, because he is basically the only person I want to be involved with that way.  I never push it, but I don't get it.  He will spend hours and hours every day for years talking to me, but he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore? It makes me feel insecure sexually and I don't like that.  I KNOW that it is pointless to try to speculate on what he is thinking, but I wish sometimes I could know what is going on in his brain to understand if my fears are misplaced or validated.

But other than that part, the closeness has been nice.  All the old pressures that were driving me insane are gone.  The other day, he was texting me some very funny stuff during school.  While my students were taking a test, I was reading the message, and one of my students saw me checking my phone.  I looked up and saw her smiling at me.  She said, "You're texting the person you love, aren't you?"  She said I had that smile on my face teenagers get when they have a message from their crush.  I didn't realize it was so obvious...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 9:15am
Jane, it could be as simple as keeping your friendship non-sexual keeps the drama at bay. He feels like it pleases you because you are not so wired anymore, your not practicing the push and pull. Also if he keeps this status quo he doesn't have to worry about where he stands and what your friendship is about.

Another thought could be, that he is safer keeping you as a friend, because then he knows you won't leave or reject him.
Being lovers means there are emotions, he is probably emotionally unavailable, you want emotions he can't give, so it is easier being friends.

Just because he is emotionally unavailable doesn't mean he doesn't want to be loved. Maybe your ending the affair hurt him more then he wanted to admit, so he is working hard at keeping you in his life and keeping you in a place where you feel comfortable.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2012
Sun, 08-05-2012 - 10:05pm
Very wise words sunny!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 3:02am
Ditto to what some of the other posters have said. He likes you, likes your friendship, has some sort of emotional attachment to you, and staying firmly on the appropriate side of the line keeps all this going without the added drama and craziness that accompanies a sexual relationship. Some men have great willpower and determination. My boyfriend is just like that. When he and I started dating he was the one who resisted that part of it for awhile. Id not have thought such a thing possible from a guy! And I consider myself to be a pretty attractive girl! AND he was crazy about me! In your words I definitely felt like sexual chopped liver. Lol. But now looking back, he did the right thing for the both of us. I don't know if we'd still be together 9 years later if we had jumped into bed in those early days, like I had wanted!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2012
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:48am
Maybe he values your friendship and realizes that sex only complicates things? Like you said, the old pressures that were driving you insane are gone. Maybe he feels the same way and is enjoying what you have together now as much as you are. :smileyhappy:
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 1:48pm

Sireanita,

Yup, I have a bf. We've been together 10 years next year. But we did take a year off about 3 years ago. Sometimes on this board I have referred to that single time in my life when I dated the most awful guy. And some good ones too. But I think thats probably where you got the idea lol. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 8:49pm

"JJ, at least now you KNOW that he didn't just like you for the great sex ;-)"

Hahahaha!  Yeah, but what if it wasn't great sex??? What if I was doing in backwards?  Or upside down?  Actually, I KNOW I was doing it bakcwards and upside down a few times, but that's supposed to be good, right?  I know sireanita says don't let it reflect upon my own sense of desirability, but I can't help but take it at least a little that way.  I have had too many men who have been able to take it or leave it in the last year (not a lot, but a few, and that's enough!).  I'm just struggling to build my self-confidence about my sexual desirability, and it has been a long battle for me.  I'm doing all I can to live the sort of life I need to live to consider myself sexually attractive, but I'm not getting the interest from the type of people I want to attract.  So yeah, it starts to make me wonder what is wrong.

Everybody,

Thanks for all the good feedback!  I think there is a lot of common sense in what you all have said.  I guess the most obvious answer is probably the correct one, and it does match what he has told me before---this way is less stressful.  He likes the good things we have in our R, but he does not want the stress that comes with the R being an A.  Most of the time, I am OK with it but it's tough right now because..well...I'm horny.  I've been sticking to my decision to not be sexually involved with anyone until is is serious, and it's been a while. :smileyhappy:  When my body starts wanting things, he pops to mind, and I start to feel resentful that he wanted to end that part when it could be SOOOO easy now (with me having my own place and his W being gone so much).  But, I need to respect his decision and find my own person to love and get freaky with. Ha!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 8:59pm

"I do find it strange that he texts you all the time. My AP, despite telling me how much he loves me and doesn't love her, feels bad texting in front of the W (and/or he's worried that she'll ask), so I know that when he texts me or chats with me, she shouldn't be around. But maybe since you're not having sex, he feels that he's just texting a friend and it's ok. "

No, he wouldn't do it much when she is around.  He might do it once a week in front of her and it would be OK, but she would not like him texting any woman, even me, more than that when he is with her.  She told me the last time I saw her about a month ago that she is working 60 hours a week with her new job.   When she gets home, she likes to organize things the way she likes them, so most nights she spends her evenings doing that or working on her hobby.  He often works outside in the evening, then he and his boys hang out in the basement after she goes to bed early.  The main time we don't chat then is the time when they are having dinner and catching up for the day.  He also goes to his kids' practices and games alone so he can chat then, too.  But he is like your AP (and most APs) in the fact that he wouldn't do it in front of much, because he knows she would not like it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2011
Tue, 08-07-2012 - 11:59pm
JJ -

From what I remember...you and he were a SECOND away from getting caught....didn't you have IC right near W once? Like, if one of you sneezed she would know? Maybe he was angry at her at that time and cared less about getting caught...maybe he got caught up in the IC and didn't think it through....either way it sounds like he got SCARED at how close it got to a DDAY and a BAD ONE AT THAT! It just sounds to me like he wants to stay married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Wed, 08-08-2012 - 12:02am

I really think you are a neat person, Janejosie.  I really do...but I think you should let him go.  I am also a teacher who had an affair.  It is over, but we are still connected...and good friends...but thankfully it is over.  

I think everyone here finds you an engaging poster and neat person.  You should have no trouble connecting with someone in the future.      

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Thu, 08-09-2012 - 12:28pm
Jane I really believe in the laws of attraction and feel you are not attracting the man you want because your focus is some place else (your xap)
**We attract things and people by our thoughts and actions. If you see all the things that are wrong around you, then you will get more of that which you see and think about. So if you're looking to attract more love into your life, then you need to give it, see it and embrace it. This doesn't necessarily mean the opposite sex either. It can include family, friends, animals, plants, you - life in general. It can be hard when you're not used to doing it without someone giving you love first, but it can start with small deeds. So start doing little things for people and not wanting anything in return. Allow yourself to smile more and think of all the things around you that you are blessed to have. When you think life is tough and unfair, you will get more of that. Try just being kind and giving to people. Not only will it make you feel good, but it will put a smile on other peoples faces as well. The more we are kind, the more kindness will be given to us. The more we love, the more love will come to us.

If you want to attract love with the law of attraction and find you don't get as much love back that you would like, then you're thinking too much about what you want back. Make a conscious effort to make this a habit of being a more loving, giving and caring person and more good things will start to happen to you. You have to keep believing no matter what, not only because it is fun to visualize what we really want, but because their is a profound impact in why things happen to us when we stay focused on what we want regardless of what happens.

Our feelings are the strongest power to making the law of attraction work. So when we focus on something and add a feeling to it, that's when it will be brought into our reality the quickest. Our heart and feelings are the direct link to our soul, with who we are, what we like and dislike. This is what makes us truly unique and helps us to decide which partner has the best qualities that suits us.

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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