What a day...confused...stressed...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
What a day...confused...stressed...
3
Tue, 07-13-2010 - 8:46pm

What a day! Of course…the fact that I am going on very little sleep for four nights in a row (sick child) doesn’t help…and makes me SO more prone to tears and horrible moods!


So, had a call scheduled with new AP today. We are meeting for the first time on Friday…and I guess everything is just getting to me. I told my H last week that I have a business trip to go on…so I am lying to him…guilt over that. Then, when I think about what could happen if I was to be found out…well…my heart just races…and my body tingles all over…the anxiety is just awful. Most of the time I am able to push it down…but on a day like today…lack of sleep…it can get the best of me.

I think there is a question in here somewhereJ Does anyone else feel like this? I mean, I know this is wrong…I know this would destroy my H…I

am not desperately unhappy…just looking for a thrill I suppose…and it’s an escape from the drudgery of my everyday life. I want the high that this brings me…I am selfish…I know…cake-eater I suppose! Just wish it was easier and without any struggling feelings going on in!!!


So…I was talking to AP today and wanted to know if he struggled with any of this too. So I asked him if he had any feelings of guilt…and he kind of took a breath and was like…wow…didn’t know that was coming. I mean…up until now our conversations have been lighthearted…we have webcammed…very intimately…talked…again very intimately…but there has not been anything deep and meaningful. Well, besides both of us talking about our reasons for doing this and what we are looking for. We have a great connection on the level that we are on…and make each other laugh. Neither of us is just looking for a quick one night stand…and hope to continue this for as long as it is comfortable for both of us. Neither of us is looking to change our home situation.

So, I could tell he was surprised and I explained to him that I was having a rough day, feeling guilty, apprehensive etc. He then told me that he also had feelings of apprehension and worry, and that it is normal to do so. I was a little concerned that it was too deep and told him I was sorry but that I needed to know that I wasn’t alone in feeling like I was struggling a little and that I needed to know that if I wanted/needed to talk to him about more then just lighthearted stuff, that he would be open to that and ok with it. He told me he was, and that he was glad I talked about it. We ended up talking for about 30 minutes and it was good. He told me that when we meet this week…if I decide that I don’t want to do anything (as in IC) that it will be alright…he is not in this just to get laid…and neither am I. That if that was all we wanted we could do it a whole lot easier than we are!

Again – not really sure if there are any questions in there. I think it is just really therapeutic for me
LouLou
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 2:33am

I think the lack of sleep probably plays a BIG role.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 10:15am

You definitely need to get some sleep and yes its only normal to feel that way. I'm sure most of us here have felt that way one time or another. I always have the guilt with me but when I'm with him its like I'm a different person (like I'm not me) and I push all the thoughts running in my mind away and enjoy the moment for what it is.


So go with the flow, be safe and enjoy yourself!

 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 10:54am

You haven't yet met IRL? This is all 'online'?


You do know it may well happen that when you do meet you will have zero connection/chemistry with each other?


Why torture yourself like this for what could turn out to be a whole lot of