What did he mean by this comment?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
What did he mean by this comment?
5
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 10:01pm
Hi everyone. I just discovered this board tonight and haven't had time yet to read as many postings as I'd like, but for now I do have a question and I'll make it as brief as possible.

Against all I ever thought I'd do, I am involved in an affair with a married man. We knew each other in high school and reconnected at the beginning of June. In the first month, we e-mailed each other every day getting to know each other again and by the end of the month, realized we really cared for each other. The physical attraction was there, as well. We graduated HS in 1977. We now live 130 miles apart. He has since told me that I am the love of his life and many other things that indicate he truly means it. Maybe I'm a fool, but I do feel in my heart that he's sincere. We have only gotten together twice, and before the first time, he told me that if a sexual relationship would ruin our friendship, he wouldn't want to risk it. ("This isn't all about sex.") However, we certainly are compatible in that way, and in every other way. I am divorced. He has been married for 17 years and has two children. He is not willing to leave his wife at this point because he would "literally fall apart" without his children. They are his whole life and he feels his life didn't begin until they were born. However, he is no longer in love with his wife. They do not talk or show each other affection. He has become "content" with the situation. He has said that he wants us to be a couple at some point in the future and that he would love nothing better. I am struggling with the usual feelings of truly loving him but being in agony so much of the time with the situation. Although I am in love with him, I am not shutting the door on anyone who I may meet that can give me all that I want right now. It is a weird feeling even thinking about trying to start a relationship with someone else because he has my heart, but I realize that I have to be realistic. It could be years before he's in a position to make a move and I know there's no guarantee it will happen then. We'll see -- only time will tell. But enough of that.

For now, this is my question. When we were getting to know each other, I asked him if he had ever cheated on his wife before. He said, "no, but I've thought about it." This comment came back into my mind recently and I began to ponder on it. I've never heard anyone actually say they had thought about having an affair. Usually, it seems to just happen without being planned. I'm wondering why he thought that. In other words, I'm wondering if it was for sex, feeling wanted, etc.? I also wonder if it wasn't me, would it have been someone else? I do plan to ask him this myself on Monday, but for now I'd like opinions, particularly from the viewpoint of a man.

Thanks for any insight.

Barbara


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sat, 10-25-2003 - 7:59am
I can see two possible explanations for his comment. You mentioned that his current relationship with his W is not affectionate. Let's be honest, there are times when we need affection and the thought of searching for it crosses our minds...Or, maybe he has been attracted to someone else prior to you, and the possibility of an A crossed his mind then.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 10:08am
I know I'm a little late on this... Can't come here on the weekend because H is always around when I'm on the computer. I think a lot of people have thought about having affairs; many just won't admit it. Men especially fantasize a great deal about the good-looking women around them, but it's not isolated to men. I never thought in a million years I would have an A -- and I'm still pretty much in denial about it -- but I can say if someone had asked me what you asked, I probably would have had the same answer. I fantasized about other men...a LOT. And, yeah, I imagined what it would be like to sneak just one kiss with a good-looking co-worker. I just never could take the fantasy further because I felt guilty about it. If you take away the element of guilt and add in maybe a poor home life or lack of sex or intimacy...I could definitely see it happening. It doesn't mean he even came close to acting on it, just that he entertained the notion and, yes, it probably was with an actual woman he knew, or maybe more than that. If he didn't act on it, what difference does it make?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 2:36pm
Thanks for the time you took to respond. I agree, he didn't do anything then, so it really doesn't matter. What I'm really wondering is what he's been feeling all these years and I'm trying to understand that. I was in a 15-year marriage and it was very unhappy for the last 8 years. So, I do understand the needs that aren't met, etc. But being a woman, I have a notion that what I was feeling and what he is feeling (being a man) might be two different things. That was all. I believe he meant that he was seeking affection because he has told me that he misses the "in love feeling". I have posed the question to him today via e-mail and should be getting a response soon. However, I have found that he doesn't like to talk about his wife (he says he doesn't like to talk negatively about people and frankly I just don't think he wants her to be a part of our relationship, meaning he wants to look forward to him and me, the positive feelings he gets from it, etc. and not bring the negativity they have into it.) I've tried to tell him that I want to know and understand him and his marriage is a part of him. It's not that I'm trying to be nosy. I really just want to understand how he feels and what he thinks is lacking in his life. Additionally, it helps me to know if he and I could be compatible on a day to day basis. Does any of this make sense?

Anyway, thanks for your insight.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 3:32pm
Oh yes, that makes total sense. You want to know what kind of husband he'd be, so ask him about that. Ask him about how he handles various situations, but don't let the conversation go toward what his wife is like. You don't really want to know about that anyway. I had the same desires you have...I wanted to know everything about MM to see what he'd be like as my husband someday, and the more I found out, the more I realized we are just plain incompatible. Not a surprise -- it takes a lot for a person to find another person who shares his/her interests -- but the problem was, by the time I figured all this out we were in pretty deep. So if you don't find out these things now, you might end up finding out too late that you two would never work out. But it's one thing to be unhappy in your marriage and quite another to miss that in-love feeling. I missed the in-love feeling but I was happy in my marriage UNTIL MM came along and I started thinking maybe my M wasn't so good after all. It's amazing what you can convince yourself of to justify your behavior. It was only when MM started showing his true colors that I realized my marriage wasn't the problem. My problem was that I'm in love with falling in love, with that rush of excitement when a relationship first begins. That eventually fades, and then what?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:44am
I have not been on this board in ages, but I too am involved with my first love, you might want to check out this www.lostlovers.com it is a very good site for people that have reconnected with their first loves. This type of love is very different from your normal "affair" If this was indeed your first love, check out the website. Even in people that are married when they reconnect with their first love, the divorce rate is very low compared to people in affairs who leave their marriage to marry the person they are in the affair with. Anyway it is worth it to check it out