What to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
What to do?
4
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 8:19pm
I have been married for 8 years. This is my second marriage. There have been many ups and downs during those 8 years. My husband has been verbally abusive. He has never hit me but bumped and chased me around. He also breaks things. Which needless to say has worn on my self esteem. A couple of months ago I went back to where I grew up and ran into an old flame. He and I had a long affair when we were young. We met at 19 but were together for 13 years. Just not in a one on one. When I ran into him we had a wonderful time and he wants me to move back and be with him. I told him about my marriage and how it has been. When I came back from my trip my husband had another blow up about something stupid. He broke dishes and said really horrible things. He is not at all aware of the affair but he does know that I am thinking of leaving because of this last blow up. I really need to make a decision. I feel that I love my husband but not in love. I'm not sure if it is because of my old flame or because of the abuse. I have never ended a realtionship so I am not sure if I would stay married because that is the easy thing to do. Not having to split everything again and all the emotions that go with it. I do know that I miss my old flame terribly but I'm not sure if it is for the right reasons. Any suggestions???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
In reply to: bahablonde
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 2:05am
Hi I am a male and my only advice is run like Hell away from this guy you are with. No one in the world should abuse you and if you stay and let him then you have no one to blame but yourself. No man in the world is worth that type of a life for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
In reply to: bahablonde
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 10:07am
I agree with the last poster, you shouldn't subject yourself to such abuse! sounds like this present husband of yours has a real anger management problem! He needs help. I'm also not so sure you really even love him, maybe you sorta feel sorry for him? It is difficult I'm sure to split things up again when you get divorced, but if he breaks things when he gets angry, there is only a matter of time before he really throws YOU around. Are there children involved? This is not the kind of behavior they need to witness if you do have children. Good luck with what you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
In reply to: bahablonde
Sat, 12-27-2003 - 1:54pm
You do not know how much your response has meant to me. I have tears as I type this. I have never had any children of my own. I do have a step son. That makes it a little hard too. But he is 18 now and I have talked to him, so I think he understands. Thank you so much for letting me know your opinions. I am confused as to what I was feeling was sorry for my husband or love. I know that when I leave he will feel bad. I have always been told that I was to nice. So maybe that is why I stayed. Once again, you will never know how much it has meant for me for you two to respond.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: bahablonde
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 1:57pm
Bahablonde,

As I was once in a very abusive relationship many moons ago, I can relate to the confusion of feelings you must be going through in regards to your husband. Luckily I was not married to my abuser, which made leaving a bit easier. However, I can understand how the abuse wears down your self-esteem and how you can even begin to sympathize with the abuser (as twisted as that sounds, it does happen). So, please know that you are worth so much more than that and you deserve to be treated with genuine love and respect in your relationship.

Whether or not anything develops further between you and your old flame, I would still encourage you to leave your abusive husband. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, there is always difficulty and unpleasantries with divorce, but those things diminish over the years. Unfortunately, abuse doesn't.

As for your confusion in regards to your feelings for your old flame. Yes, it is possible these feelings are so intense because of the situation with your husband, and because this is someone you were very close to in the past. Once you leave your marriage (if that is the path you choose to take), why not spend some time on your own to sort out your feelings. You can still see your old flame, but don't rush into anything. Relationship hopping doesn't give you time to figure out what it is you actually are looking for. Just take things slow.

Best of luck to you and I do hope you remain safe.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika