What to do?
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What to do?
| Fri, 12-26-2003 - 8:19pm |
I have been married for 8 years. This is my second marriage. There have been many ups and downs during those 8 years. My husband has been verbally abusive. He has never hit me but bumped and chased me around. He also breaks things. Which needless to say has worn on my self esteem. A couple of months ago I went back to where I grew up and ran into an old flame. He and I had a long affair when we were young. We met at 19 but were together for 13 years. Just not in a one on one. When I ran into him we had a wonderful time and he wants me to move back and be with him. I told him about my marriage and how it has been. When I came back from my trip my husband had another blow up about something stupid. He broke dishes and said really horrible things. He is not at all aware of the affair but he does know that I am thinking of leaving because of this last blow up. I really need to make a decision. I feel that I love my husband but not in love. I'm not sure if it is because of my old flame or because of the abuse. I have never ended a realtionship so I am not sure if I would stay married because that is the easy thing to do. Not having to split everything again and all the emotions that go with it. I do know that I miss my old flame terribly but I'm not sure if it is for the right reasons. Any suggestions???

As I was once in a very abusive relationship many moons ago, I can relate to the confusion of feelings you must be going through in regards to your husband. Luckily I was not married to my abuser, which made leaving a bit easier. However, I can understand how the abuse wears down your self-esteem and how you can even begin to sympathize with the abuser (as twisted as that sounds, it does happen). So, please know that you are worth so much more than that and you deserve to be treated with genuine love and respect in your relationship.
Whether or not anything develops further between you and your old flame, I would still encourage you to leave your abusive husband. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, there is always difficulty and unpleasantries with divorce, but those things diminish over the years. Unfortunately, abuse doesn't.
As for your confusion in regards to your feelings for your old flame. Yes, it is possible these feelings are so intense because of the situation with your husband, and because this is someone you were very close to in the past. Once you leave your marriage (if that is the path you choose to take), why not spend some time on your own to sort out your feelings. You can still see your old flame, but don't rush into anything. Relationship hopping doesn't give you time to figure out what it is you actually are looking for. Just take things slow.
Best of luck to you and I do hope you remain safe.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika