What to do before the affair gets physical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2012
What to do before the affair gets physical?
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 9:34pm

Stop it! I know I am not looking to be judged I am looking for advice.  A poster asked an excellent question and for me I got married because I was lonely in pain and trying to heal old wounds.  The first man that saw me who said I love you, will take care of you and yes I want you for you I married.  My son had died at birth a year before I met him and my husband rescued me.  Six years later our differences are apparent but somethings are the same.  I am not physically attracted to my husband never have been.  I fell in love with his personality and his heart.  Now my hs sweetheart rekindled contact and I am going nuts as he was my one true love.  He has a gf that he is attempting to remain faithful to and I have never cheated on my husband but have talked to him about date nights, investing in the emotional bank of our marriage.

My husband is smart brilliant and successful.  I stay at home with our two small boys and I feel like a hollow log.  It's me not him! I am clinically depressed and feel as though I would be better off not married to anyone not even my hs sweetheart.  I am not good at having my freedom taken away and since the day I've married my husband I feel trapped.  I hate the city we live in it isn't me, the car i drive.  I do not recognize the woman staring back at me in the mirror.  In August I went to my 20 year class reunion and for one night and a day I was alive and was my true self. 

I do not need or want to hear judgment calls i haven't had sex with my hs sweetheart and have prayed to my God to help me.  Individual counseling is 150.00 a session so I continue to go to church pray and wait for this void to be filled.  No one but me and God can remove this but the regret the what ifs are painful. 

The memories my ex-bf and I discussed were so beautiful.  Our lovemaking how much I deeply loved and cared for him I have never felt that way for my husband but I honor and respect him.  I have love for him because he is the father of my children but he isn't my first choice.  I am so depressed right now my husband isn't home from work.  I will put my children to bed soon and I just want to go to bed crawl up in a fetal position and cry but I will sleep instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2012

I'm sorry you are hurting! No one will judge you here, I can say that from experience. We've all been some version of where you are now. I don't really have any advice for you. It's kind of one of those things you have to work through, you know. Sounds like you've had your share of heartache before, so you know that tough times (while they may never totally heal) do get better some day. 

You know, it sounds as if you are not happy in your marriage, but you might not be happy in any relationship until you learn to be happy in yourself. Try to find and do the things that made you happy once, for yourself. :) Regardless of what else is going on, try to do one kind thing for yourself each day.  Eventually, it will get better.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010

  You will find that you are unhappy.  The old BF represents happiness.  You feel caged where you are.  So why stay?  Sometimes it just does not work out the way we would have liked.

  In what way has your freedom been taken away?

   The reason I asked is when one is depressed then the world can get warped.  Depression clouds everything.  What are you taking if anything for your depression?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I feel very bad for you and I can't imagine having to pay $150 per counseling vist.  I hope there is some way that you can get help for your depression.  My ex was depressed and mental health was also covered under our health ins, so we only paid the $15 co payment which is good because he was going to counsling & on medication for as long as I knew him.  Could your PCP try prescribing an anti-depressant?  Could you look into a counseling service where they charge you on a sliding scale?  I just fear that you'll either start an affair w/ exBF or end up getting divorced & it won't solve the problem cause you'll still be depressed.  Could you talk to your DH about things that would make you happy--for instance, is there any chance that he would agree to move?  Why do you have a car that you don't like?  Did he insist that you get that kind?  Did you even mention that you didn't want it?  Does he not listen to what you want at all?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2012

I feel your pain, I love my husband but I am not in love with him.  I have realized the problem is me.   A previous poster made a very good point, there is a very good chance that you will not be happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself.  I have an AP and we have not been physical.  I am very happy with our EA and the fact that he lives far away and is not ready to go there either (he is married) has made it very easy to stay an EA versus a PA.  

Think about this:  when you met your husband, he represented something (you are not sure what that is even now) you were missing and longing for....your exBF is doing the same for you right now (emphasis on the right now).  What is the possibility that if you go down this road, the exBF will no longer represent that, just as your husband stopped.