What to do from here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
What to do from here?
9
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:08am
I talked with SG on Christmas Eve. We had a good talk, got some things out in the open. He told me he would not pursue me because I was married, but he would respond to me. He said he was getting too attached to me and everyone was going to end up hurt. He said he was going out of the country from 12/29 to 1/4 and we would get together and talk when he got back. I felt good about it. Then on New Year's Eve at dinner my H casually mentions, "oh guess who I saw today in traffic". H saw SG (H knows him but doesn't know about us of course). So SG lied yet again and was not out of the country (everyone knows he lies). I was crushed, but had to act like it was no big deal. I had sent SG a friendly Happy New Year e-mail just that morning. Well I haven't gotten a reply yet and it's been 5 days. Now the thing is, did he see my H. I asked my H if he did and H didn't know. If he saw him he will be wondering if my H mentioned to me and then his lie would be blown. I've been crying all morning since H left for work..I kept it in all through the holidays. I want to contact SG, act like I know nothing, and set up a time to talk like we discussed. I know from all of you here that this is not what affairs are supposed to be like. Our paths would never cross if it wasn't for me doing all the work. SG acts so unconcerned about everything and he lies to me trying to make his life seem so much more than it is. I'm not ready to give it up though, I think deep down he is just very lonely and doesn't know what to do about me. If you were in my position, which I'm sure many of you are, what would you do. I can't let this drop this way. How should I proceed from here? Thanks everyone, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:30am
hi cowboy -- i'm not sure i can reply to you because i know you don't want to hear what i want to say, so i'm just gonna offer you a big hug and hope you come to the right conclusion for your own peace of mind.

good luck honey,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 11:57am
Thanks for the hug gurl. I know what you want to say... DO NOT contact him, let him come to you, what fun is this for you without the pursuit. If you don't contact him now, he will always wonder why you finally gave up. Gurl, I have thought all weekend. I have not contacted him once in 2004, now it's day 5, maybe I can keep this up, make a clean break in the new year. I waited so long to enter into an affair. But this feels more like it was a few one night stands to me instead of an affair. It just plain sucks. He knew I didn't enter into this lightly and he was my first ever besides my H. If it is true that he is running because he is getting attached, then that helps me, but I'm not so sure. He didn't say that in person, so I couldn't see his face. I want to talk to him again in person so I can really know where to go with this. I desperately need peace of mind. I have never been so frustrated in my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:05pm
Hi cowboy

Is this A worth the grief he is putting you through?

I doubt your ever going to be happy with a game player.

Sorry

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 1:12pm
cowboy - sweetie, you are never gonna get "answers" from SG! he hasn't been truthful with you from the get-go, but you still want him to come up with answers, answers that, again, will only be more lies. SG is telling you what you want to hear when you finally get to him, but "actions speak louder than words!!"

you're married, he's single. you pursue him, for what, a few minutes of his time and all he says is that you're not bothering him, or that he's getting attached to you. does he demonstrate by his actions any of those statements?

why are you frustrated? SG is making it loud and clear how he feels. he'll take the sexual aspect of the R when offered and handed to him on a silver plate (who wouldn't!), but he will MAKE NO EFFORT to reciprocate for you.

if you really need to have an A, find someone a bit more receptive and appreciative to you and your efforts. SG is NOT the one!

you deserve better treatment from someone you want to be intimate with. keep up the NC and focus your attention elsewhere.

sorry i can't be more positive. stay away from him!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:02pm
Free, no I don't think I will and Gurl, I hear you, I always do, I just don't know how to do it. It's been one year now and I think back on how exciting and fun it was in the beginning. I've just been clinging to that and hoping it will come back, but as soon as this turned sexual it changed. I never expected that would happen. My H just called me to tell me he is having such a great day and thanked me for a fun holiday and a fun weekend. And I've been crying all morning. If he knew... I want what my H has, pure happiness and contentment. There is so much crap going on in my life and I was using this SG as an escape from that. It worked at first but now has only added to the crap. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:29pm
Isn't there enough lying and deceit in our EMA lifestyles without our EMA partners lying and deceiving us?

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 2:34pm
cowboy, stop that crying now! your H doesn't know, obviously, and never needs to know about SG. and yes, every R is exciting and thrilling in the beginning, but if that R is meant for the long haul, it becomes comfortable, safe and open to communication about the good and the bad. so you do need to let your H know that you've been unhappy because of the crap you're going through, whatever that is. don't blame, yell or lie, just tell him how you feel. communication is always good, just be careful how you say it because you are talking to a man, after all.

and SG is part of your crap so get rid of it and him. it's a new year and time to start fresh!

so dry those tears and wash your face. when your H gets home, hug him and thank him for his positive outlook and make the effort to be with him and enjoy life.

LIVE YOUR LIFE for you!!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 4:48pm
Thanks gurl, I went for a workout and feel better. I know what I have to do. It's going to be hard, but no more contact. I will never know why or how this happened. Anything I get from him will probably be lies and I'm wearing myself out trying to figure it out so I need to let it go. I appreciate your help and everyone elses also. It's been great having a place to let my feelings out. I've had crushes before but they never went anywhere. This was the first time I had a crush when the guy reciprocated. It was fun and what I needed. But, things changed, probably when he got fired and was out of work for so long. I should have let it go then. My H and I are good, our kids are good and starting to leave the nest, but I'm unhappy. I've given to everyone and now I want something for me, this could have been it with the right guy. I don't think there will be a next time, but I guess one never knows. Some of you here seem to find some great guys to have an A with. I'm going to try to work things out away from here for a while, maybe I'll be back. Good luck to all, C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 2:17pm