What Do I Do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
What Do I Do?
3
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 6:45pm
I have been seeing a MM for 3yrs. He is separated but not divorced yet. He thinks his relationship with his W is better now since he no longer lives under the same roof. My problem is why he hasn't filed for a divorce. They've been living apart for several years. He says he's "waiting" for his daughter to grow-up. She is 11yrs old. I'm beginning to feel used-which I cant stand! I feel like I am the one who is vulnerable here. Part of me wants to get back all the letters, cards and pictures from him that I've given to him over the years and another part of me is scared of not having him in my life. What should I do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: charmed1986
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:09am
Hi, Charmed... did he lead you to believe that he would be divorcing W and creating a life with you? I guess I'm trying to figure out if he's broken a promise or if you are wanting more than what you two originally had planned on. I'm no expert by any means, but I am a huge believer in not pushing someone into more than they can handle. However, you also must be happy and content with the relationship. If you're not happy with it as it currently stands, you may have to leave it to find something that does make your life complete. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but in my limited experience ultimatums (which is kind of what you're faced with) just aren't generally the best way to go. And as to the pictures, cards, etc.... when you gave them to him you meant every word, right? Don't make the mistake of counting the three years as wasted or wrong just because it isn't leading where you wanted it to go. Weren't there still wonderful times?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: charmed1986
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 11:22am
I agree with saturdaysister that an ultimatum is not a good idea at this point. Frankly, I've never been a big fan of them unless you have exhausted every other route. I don't know your full situation but based on what you said, it sounds like you may have been pretty passive up until now. I think he is being ridiculous in saying he wants to wait to get divorced until his daughter is older. He's already not living with her! It sounds to me like he may be having second thoughts and considering reconciling. You don't have to give him an ultimatum, but tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you feel like you deserve more and deserve to know what he is truly thinking about. Tell him if he can't commit to you soon, you feel like you will need to move on with your life. That isn't an ultimatum, it is just being honest. He deserves to know how you feel so he can at least make a choice to commit to you or not. Don't walk away without giving him the choice. I wish you luck either way. I hope things work out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
In reply to: charmed1986
Thu, 04-22-2004 - 7:05pm
I don't know if this is helpful or not, but it could be true what he is telling you. I am actually the product of a relationship just like you are having. My father was involved with my mother for ten years while is children (my half brother and sister grew up). They have now been married for 31 years.

The other day I asked my mom if she believed him that he stayed married for all those years while the children grew up, she said that she sincerely did.

Granted, this may not be the norm, but I am living proof that this can be the case.

Good luck!