What do I do now??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
What do I do now??
12
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:33pm
I've been a member of this board for a year now and I think I need you all more than ever...I will apologize ahead of time if this turns out to be a long post but I don't know who else to turn to.

Background:

My MM was facing the thought/pressure of having a second child. Although my MM admits that he is not a great marriage, he does loves his 16 month old son and cannot foresee leaving him at this point. Since he cannot seem to leave his son, the pressure of providing him with a sibling has been on his shoulder for the past year. He admits that he does not know what the future holds but if he is to stay in his marriage for his son, then he feels that he should give in and try to have a second child. Due to his and his wife's age, timing has been a huge issue so he doesn't have the luxury to wait.

My H and I do not have children. He is my best friend and is a wonderful person although I am not in love with him. I can't seem to get the nerve to hurt and leave my husband either so it seems that we are not willing to leave our marriages at this point.

What has happened recently:

My MM tells me a couple of days ago (he has been terrified to tell me) that he gave in a couple of months ago and she is now two months pregnant. I had a feeling he would give in but wasn't sure when (or if) I would get the news. He says he waited to tell me because of various reasons: he knew it would devastate me, couldn't find the right time, had a hard time facing reality, couldn't find the right words, and his W has had 4 miscarriages so he wasn't sure if she would be able to carry the baby to full term.

I will just ask questions and hope that some of you may have some insight based on your experiences.

1. Have you or the person you are having an EMA with conceived a child within your prospective marriages?

2. Was the other person angry, hurt, etc. when it happened or were they understanding?

3. How does this affect the EMA relationship?

4. How do you or your OM/OW deal with this?

Guys...I am torn, hurt, confused, etc. Do I call it off or learn to deal with this? I am in love with this man. He loves me too and have told me that he feels that I am his soulmate...BUT under the circumstances that he finds himself in (his love for his son), he doesn't know how else to deal with his M, his son, and his desire to want to love me and be in my life.

Side note: This is a LDEMA and we live 800 miles away from each other. We are business partners so we have had excuses to see each other every other month. The same day I got his news, I was offered a great job that will not allow this freedom to see each other as often (possibly twice a year and that's it). I'm trying to be objective in my decision but a part of me wants to take it...not only because it's a great opportunity but to get away from him.

This board has been such a help to me. I hope that some of you can ease my confusion in this very difficult time. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance for 'listening.'

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:17pm

Hi torn,


I'm not sure that I can help you in any way... really... I have been on the opposite foot.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:20am
Hi Torngal:

Not sure I can help either...I can only imagine your pain. What we have in common is the LDEMA part. I am M/15 yrs. with no children and 500 miles from MM married for 17 yrs with 2 children under 13yrs.

I feel that since you love him ..go with your with your heart. Since it is LDEMA and he has stated that he cannot leave his son and now unborn child as well...why cut him out of your life? I think you would may be more torn without him in your life. This is only my humble opinion..of course only you know what is best for you. I have ended with MM once and I was a mess!! I realized that even though this LDEMA is quite painful..it was more painful to not have MM in my life.

Congrats on your new job offer. I only hope you do not let him influence your decision on taking the job yet I know love can cloud our judgements. I know I still cannot think clearly and make decisions clearly without thinking of my MM (I'm sick I know). Please keep us posted. Hugs ~Cheetah~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:14am
Thanks so much for your input:-)

I just wish I could shake this feeling of betrayal. I knew that he was under a great deal of pressure to have a second child. Like I mentioned before, although I was not ready to leave my marriage and he was not ready to leave his young son, I still wish that he would have informed me of the decision before-hand. I believe that it was fear of losing me on his part but I just feel that he made it worse by telling me after-the-fact. In my eyes, he would have shown me that I (and our relationship) does matter enough to get me involved in such a difficult decision. If he cared enough to talk to me that he was "considering" it, why not care enough to tell me when he made the decision??


I feel the need to share an e-mail I received from him so you guys have an idea what he is thinking "As I get to know you better, I think about leaving everyday but can't pull the trigger because of (his son) and don't know if I ever can. I know you can't understand why I would entertain the thought of bringing another child into a crappy marriage and don't expect you to. I wonder that same question myself. I'm doing it for my son and if I never can leave because of him. In the back of my mind, I can say that I tried and it just wasn't meant to be. I can live with that outcome alot easier than making the decision of not having another child. I'm having a hard time dealing with this and in hindsight wish now that it hadn't happened. Having another child doesnt commit me to this marriage anymore than my son already does. I know that this a sh*tty/pathetic way to look at it but I havent been thinking clearly for 4 month's now."


I'm hurt because I can't shake the feeling that he chose her over me. Although he tells me that he now regrets it happened, I'm scared of the bond that could be re-established between him and his W. I just don't know how to shake the anger and the hurt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:21pm
If the job is something you want, go for it. I know that it's hard, but you have to take care of yourself first. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:00pm
I can start by saying. I know how you feel. I just found out a couple weeks ago my MM's W is 7 months pregnant. You know I could have at least been informed of this sooner. We've only been seeing each other for about 4 months but of all the things to tell me before beginning a R they should be that #1 your married #2 your expecting child. Its hard for me to deal with because #1 I'm single and #2 I have no kids. On the other hand, MM's wife's pregnancy was not planned. Or so I've been told. And they are still on the edge of divorce even though she is expecting. But I was very hurt. But I've learned to accept it and accept him for who he is without thinking of his other life. But boy is it hard. This is the first MM I have ever been involved with and I will say I give all of you kudos for dealing with all the things you have. Because I"m not sure how I'm dealing with it. But I can tell you I have no intentions on letting go.

I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:21pm
My sister was involved with a MM for four years. In the fourth year (although he claimed he didn't have sex with his W...yah right) my sister found out that his W was pregnant. He never planned on telling her, he just happened to be my little bro's little league coach that year and that is how she found out. Needless to say, it made things a lot harder for my sister in their R. She was hurt, confused, torn, all of the emotions involved with something like this, as you know. In her case, she was not able to handle all of this, for she found out about two months after our mom died (his "reason" for not telling my sister). He started feeling "guilty" since he has 3 children at home and one on the way. His started distancing himself more and eventually she just broke it off. That is not what I am telling you to do but under the circumstances, there is a lot to think about here. First, he is 800 miles away. Second, he is not going to leave his family. Third, how much are you going to regret it later if you pass up a great job opportunity for a man you can never really be with? It just seems like it almost isn't worth it anymore. I hope that isn't too harsh for you. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:16pm
I don't think that your input was harsh at all. You've certainly given me a lot to think about. I really appreciate everyone's input.

I admit that I am still torn and am starting to distance myself from this situation. The reason why this has been "tolerable" is that I have been focused on this new job and whether I would take it or not. This is my first and foremost focus right now so it helps to shove this situation aside for now. During these past few days, when I allow myself to think about him, I hurt so bad that I just focus on making the right decision for me regarding this job.

For the times that I have allowed myself to think about this...I realize that my MM and I can never be together. I think I can live with this since I can't imagine leaving my husband anytime soon. My H and I are best friends and (believe it or not) have a really good relationship. Of course, the guilt of finding myself in love with another man besides my husband continues to be there.

I don't know if I will want to continue this relationship. I love him and want to be there for him but the hurt is a bit too much to bear right now.

P.S. I truly enjoy seeing all your responses. I cannot thank you all enough for being here for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:56pm
Torngal:

You are welcome...we MUST stick together!!


~Cheetah~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:11pm
I have had it on BOTH sides. About 4 months after my MM and started I found out I was pregnant with my first (MM and are not intimate so that was not a concern). I was fine with it and he was too. Well 3 months later he tells me his W is pregant. I freaked a bit especially when MM said that after the babies we would probably have to end. Well 7 months after both babies have been born I can happily say nothign changed. We went through a period of NC mainly because we were both so busy but the relationship has not changed except for the better. Hang in there and do not think the worst!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 6:54pm
I'm sure that from reading this post, you know how my MM:

1. Kept that fact that he was going to give in and have another child with his W

2. Also kept the fact that his W did in fact get pregnant a couple of months ago.

I know that he was afraid of losing me. I know that he is sorry and feels horrible. But what do I do now? I don't have any kids so what he is going through is new to me and scares me. I am so angry with him but still love him. I want to cut it off so bad but know that this empty pit in my heart and stomach will get even worse. I am not reaching out to him but he does continue to reach out to me. I am still keeping my distance since I am still so upset.

For the past year, we have been torn about staying in our marriages or being together. I realize now that we need to get away from this idea that we "may" have the guts to leave our marriages. We need to admit (to each other) that we are not willing to leave our marriages, him because of his son and me because of my H. If I ever get past this anger, I will have to accept this fact and be comfortable with being able to deal with this EMA.

I guess I don't have a ton of questions but am just writing out my feelings hoping that there are insights to this type of situation that can help me determine whether I should tell MM to go to hell or to be there to support him through this.

My biggest fear: I continue to be angry,he gives up on me realizing that he's lost me, and decides to make his marriage work and I lose him forever.

I don't know if any of this makes sense...sorry for rambling:-)

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