What do I do now??
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 04-18-2004 - 7:33pm |
Background:
My MM was facing the thought/pressure of having a second child. Although my MM admits that he is not a great marriage, he does loves his 16 month old son and cannot foresee leaving him at this point. Since he cannot seem to leave his son, the pressure of providing him with a sibling has been on his shoulder for the past year. He admits that he does not know what the future holds but if he is to stay in his marriage for his son, then he feels that he should give in and try to have a second child. Due to his and his wife's age, timing has been a huge issue so he doesn't have the luxury to wait.
My H and I do not have children. He is my best friend and is a wonderful person although I am not in love with him. I can't seem to get the nerve to hurt and leave my husband either so it seems that we are not willing to leave our marriages at this point.
What has happened recently:
My MM tells me a couple of days ago (he has been terrified to tell me) that he gave in a couple of months ago and she is now two months pregnant. I had a feeling he would give in but wasn't sure when (or if) I would get the news. He says he waited to tell me because of various reasons: he knew it would devastate me, couldn't find the right time, had a hard time facing reality, couldn't find the right words, and his W has had 4 miscarriages so he wasn't sure if she would be able to carry the baby to full term.
I will just ask questions and hope that some of you may have some insight based on your experiences.
1. Have you or the person you are having an EMA with conceived a child within your prospective marriages?
2. Was the other person angry, hurt, etc. when it happened or were they understanding?
3. How does this affect the EMA relationship?
4. How do you or your OM/OW deal with this?
Guys...I am torn, hurt, confused, etc. Do I call it off or learn to deal with this? I am in love with this man. He loves me too and have told me that he feels that I am his soulmate...BUT under the circumstances that he finds himself in (his love for his son), he doesn't know how else to deal with his M, his son, and his desire to want to love me and be in my life.
Side note: This is a LDEMA and we live 800 miles away from each other. We are business partners so we have had excuses to see each other every other month. The same day I got his news, I was offered a great job that will not allow this freedom to see each other as often (possibly twice a year and that's it). I'm trying to be objective in my decision but a part of me wants to take it...not only because it's a great opportunity but to get away from him.
This board has been such a help to me. I hope that some of you can ease my confusion in this very difficult time. Any input would be appreciated. Thanks in advance for 'listening.'

Pages
Hi torn hon... I was thinking about you last night as I faded off into sleep... and had all these things I wanted to say to you this morning... but I think that you've just worked it all out for yourself.
I noticed how hurt you were with MM not telling you... and I wanted to let you know... that he was probably scared... as I said... I did not tell MM that I was trying for another child... my reasons for this was more so that I wondered what MM would think of me.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
Your input helps me a lot because your experience provides me an insight on what he was/still is going through. My MM decided to give in and have a second child because he could not foresee leaving his son. He figured that if ends up staying in the marriage in the long run, he needed to have a sibling for his son. He has told me with complete honesty that it's his son that keeps him in the marriage, not his wife. He admits that he married the wrong woman. If it wasn't for his son, he would leave in a hearbeat. I hear this often from people with kids. I can't imagine what this is like but I can certainly respect that.
When he has told me that he thinks about leaving everyday because of me, I feel good knowing that he loves me enough to actually consider leaving his son although when it comes down to it, he can't do it. I suppose I'm experiencing a little bit of a double-standard. I can never leave my husband as much as I yearn to be with MM. I think I can live with that but won't admit to it. But for him to admit that he doesn't think he can leave his marriage (although it's for his son) hurts me. Well...my ego more than anything;-).
I wrote him a long e-mail today stating how much he has hurt me. It was a very direct letter since my anger was brewing today. I told him that I feel that he chose her over me. I also told him that I felt that he tossed me aside and never cared about me to include me in the process. Now that I've read your post, I am not as bitter because I feel that he was in the same position you were in. I know that you are a good person, as he is, so I just hope that he continues to communicate with me to help me understand his side more.
Thank you again for continuing to share your input! I feel that you have been a good friend throughout this past year and I thank you for that:-)
Pages