What do I do now

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
What do I do now
4
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:00am
I am new here. I am a MM who just had an EMR recently newly divorced OW whom I have known through business for about 8 years. I am now feeling very guilty, and wondering how others have rationalized their situations. A bit of background might be in order so please bare with me.

I have been a happily MM for 20 years and have two kids. I met the OW about 8 years ago through an association our company belongs to. We see eachother at conferences etc. about 4 to 5 times each year. She has been M for 20 years until a D about 5 months ago. I always knew her M was not great. We flirted a lot at these conferences, went out for drinks with our peers, but that was the extent of it. I have always found her to be extremely attractive and fantasized a lot about her over the years.

She called me the day of heading to the conference (not unusual) and asked what I and my other colleagues were doing that evening. We exchanged cell phone numbers. Later that evening she met up with us at a bar. She looked awesome! We all chatted and flirted until it was time to leave. For whatever reason I rode with her back to the hotel. We parked. She seemed very fidgity looking for something in the back seat, and leaning my way. Something came over me and kissed her. It was great. I said we should go in and the the others for a nightcap in the hotel bar. When we got to the lobby it the bar was closed. So we got on the elevator and she said you can't go to your room so I went to hers. Big mistake? We kissed so passionately. We never went all the way. My clothes never came off athough hers did, and I took good care of her.

The next day we had an opportunity to talk. She told me how much she had wanted to do this for so many years. I guess the flirting was mutual. She wants to continue with an A at future conferences, and hopes to go all the way. It was my fantasy come true!

Now comes the extreme guilt. I am an honest person. This is uncharacteristic of me. I love my W, but as you can well expect, after 20 years relationships can get stale. I feel terrible that I have this secrt from my W. This OW is divorced and in a much different place than I. But i desire her a lot, and can't stop thinking about her. I am thinking I should tell her that I can't continue because of a potentially emotional attachement. But the thought of the A is so alluring. I told her the day after that I wasn't sure if I could do it again because it has no future and will eventually have to end. She understands that, but wants to take it for what it is at the moment until then. It is so very tempting! What a situation. My 8 year fantasy comes true, she wants to continue, and I am conflicted.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:24am
Hello,

I am really in no position to give out advice, but here goes anyway:

From the sounds of it, you are intoxicated by the excitement of having your fantasy staring you in the face. She is quite willing, but she is also in a vulnerable state (whether she knows it or not) from her recent divorce. You obviously love your wife, and would not be willing to start over with someone else.

The dilemma is that the OW may develop strong feelings for you. I'm only going by my own feelings here. I only have sex with love. So, in the case that she does "fall in love" with you, then there are also consequences with that. You will begin to feel guilty, not just for betraying your wife, but also because you won't be able to return her feelings the way she may like you to. So I would say, it may be disappointing at first, to deny the attraction and stay on the straight and narrow, but nothing like the feelings of hurt that may come from entering into a full-blown A.

I'm not sure what factors make a man decide to enter an affair solely for sex, but I do know that my MM and myself as well deal with the guilt by trying to keep "our life" separate from our married lives. Sometimes, and we've talked about this, we feel like when we are together it's "real life" and then when we go home it's "pretend".

I don't know if this makes any sense, and like I said I'm really in no position, but I hope it helps a little.

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:35am
You sound like a decent guy, who had a fantasy and finally after all this time had it come true for a one-night thing. But you don't sound like you are ready for a full-fledged A. I think if you are already feeling guiltly, you would probably feel worse if you got started in an A. After all, this wasn't something you've seriously planned on doing and it seems from what you said, it was really spur of the moment. At least if you leave it at this, you can chalk it up to experience and maybe bad judgement and leave it at that, try to move on with your life and M.

If you decided to decline her offer, I think you should tell her how much you enjoyed being with her, how you will always remember it, how sexy she is and how lucky another guy someday will be.

You are right, she is at a different place in her life.
xxxx
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 10:50am
Sorry to hear you are feeling so conflicted.

You know, it's hard to admit but a big part of me wants to tell you to go for it. We only live once. i know that sounds cliche. But here we are talking what, a year, maybe two, of being with someone who excites you and turns you on. You aren't walking out on your marriage and abandoning your children.....you're fooling around a few times a year.

it could also be argued that you have arleady cheated, maybe YOU didn't go all the way or YOUR clothes didn't come off but hers did, and things ensued, and you enjoyed doing those things right? NOT to make you feel guilty, i just think, we all have these rules in our head, this is cheating, that isn't cheating. The truth is if you woudlnt do it in front of your wife you have already "kinda cheated" LOL.

Anyway, i understand you are worried aobut feelings of "love" being involved and that is teh chance you take. i can tell you it's not the end of the world if you were to develop feelings for her or her for you. And i can also tell you sometimes you just jump in and take risks. Remember after being married for TWENTY years she may not be interested in finding "LOVE" right now.

Just my thoughts,

good luck

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 11:17am
Red, Dusty, Jenny: Thank you for your replies. Your thoughts are exactly what have been struggling with. I know she is vulnerable, but i also know that we have been attracted to one another for years. It as not as new as it may seem. Not only am I concerned that she will become emotional, I am concerned that I will as well. People can love more than one person in a lifetime, the question is can it be done at the same time.

Now, on the other hand I am not looking to leave my M and neither does she expect that. So one side of me says that a discreet A would be great, and I do like this OW. But then reading the replies in "why" I have to wonder why am I even thinking this way.

I did cheat, no question. Even though I didn't "have" sex, I gave it, and enjoyed it....lol. There is no turning the clock back. I could chalk it up to a Beautiful moment in time that should never be repeated, or the start of something good, after all it is animal instinct at work. I don't think there are any easy answers. I have also been reading the responses in "Why". Reading all the replies does help me and I appreciate everyone's candor.