What do I/we do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
What do I/we do?
23
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 6:13pm
I desperately need some advice. Please help me. I would appreciate any input you may have.

Just to provide you a quick background: I am a MW- no kids having an affair with a MM- with one child. We have fallen for each other and believe that we are soul mates but due to our marriages, are frustrated on a daily basis because we don't know if we will ever be together. He is torn up about leaving his son and feels that he can't do it in the foreseeable future...if ever. I suppose I feel the same way because I am married to a wonderful man (who I am, unfortunately, not in love with and only see as a best friend). It would be very hard for me to make that decision to hurt him.

This is the issue that is facing my MM right now: He is 40 years old with a 15 month old son. It had been determined (before I was in the picture) that he does not want his son to be an only child. His wife is/has been pressuring him for the past few months to try to have a second child. He loves his son so much and feels an obligation to give his son a sibling. BUT now that I am in the picture, he doesn't know what to do. He tells me that because of how much he loves me, every decision he makes will affect our relationship and he is not sure which way to go. Due to some circumstances...time is ticking and he needs to make a decision about having this second child SOON.

He is emotionally torn up right now because his choices are:

1. Make the determination to stay for his son, give-in and provide his son with a little brother or sister...and possibly lose me. (I don't know if I can stay if he decides to do this)

2. Think that he "may" have the courage to leave someday which would mean that they are better off stopping at one child.

Since we both don't know what the future will bring, it is literally tearing him up thinking that our/his marriage/his son's future is in his hands. I don't know what to do or what to even tell him. For some of you with kids...can you please share your input?

I'm sorry to babble on and hope that I provided you a "clear" enough picture of what the issues are that we/my MM is facing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 3:52pm
rain,

Need advice.. and another 25 cents....LOL

Being that you are a man I would like your point of view once again if you don't mind!!

The long and short of it.. Why would my MM carry this A with no Sex involved. We had a deep discussion the other night and he calls me religously every night for about an hour and we talk on the weekends when he is free. but he doesn't make time for me physically and we have both agreed our emotional bond is strong..But why risk everything (me no kids but he has 4) for a few phone calls??? what would be the point? Is it guilt? We have had sex a few times.. phone sex as welll...and we talk about it all the time but when we get together, nothing and it is very frustrating to me.. HELP?

What is your take? any advice would be ideal!!

Cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 4:30pm
oh geez... I'm the "Resident Male" now... LOL. Oh well, a good portion of my life I've been the "male friend." I like it. Most women are better than most men anyway.

hey, as always... disclaiming all comments because people are very different... and this really is all guessing now...

Why no sex?

Believe it or not, some of us men need more than sex. Maybe what he's missing in his M is the communication, the sense that someone is listening to him instead of waiting for him to take a breath so she can comment, correct or nag. Maybe he enjoys just talking to you so much that he is content with that most of the time. Everyone gets into the A for a different reason. He might be missing the companionship, especially if you have similar interests and he doesn't at home. And if he has 4 kids... I'd guess his W doesn't feel a lot like listening to him. She's probably got a lot to do. Most men are easy to maintain if you can pinpoint our One Big Thing. We'll put up with tons of stuff if our One Big Thing is ok. His might be getting some personal time.

He might also feel ok about the emotional side of the A because he needs that attention, but extremely guilty after a physical display. Maybe to him he isn't cheating if he isn't sleeping with you. We all have our limits and ideas, and heaven knows we'll tell ourselves whatever we can to alleviate some of the guilt and get some sleep.


Maybe he isn't an intensely sexual person. Personally, I can't imagine that, but I'm told some men don't possess my passion level/sex drive (autopilot, cruise control locked down at 110, not that anyone asked or wanted to know...) If he is someone for whom sex is pleasant but not integral to happiness I could see him not attacking you each time and going a long time between physical expressions. It's also possible his sexuality is repressed due to previous relationships with women who brushed him off, turned him down, or otherwise made him feel wrong for wanting sex.

To be honest, my sex drive towards my W was beaten back so many times, I finally gave up. That was a fundamental issue between us, always has been. Before we even dated my W knew me and knew my life: an ongoing expression of emotion, passion and sensuality (not just sexuality) is my One Big Thing. It wasn't about frequently changing partners, I was completely able to be faithful, and she knew that... but I'm a musician and an artist, expression is who I am; ask me to repress it...

My OW is extremely sensual, especially towards me because we have a similar level of drive. Neither of us feel bad about it because we match, which really only amplifies it.

Still... lately I've backed off our sex because I do feel a little guilty... my time has been more limited as I'm wrapping up things and I don't want her to think I only see her so we can be naked. Maybe that's his feeling too; maybe he feels guilty about the situation and doesn't want you to feel "used."

So many things affect sex drive. Maybe his W tells him he's too fat or skinny or hairy. Maybe he's sensitive about...um... whether he's driving a compact car or a full-size (wink, wink.) Maybe he doesn't have a ton of experience with various women and feels unprepared to be with you unless he knows you *really* want it.

Humans are such sensitive creatures. Maybe just ask him. Maybe just grab him in the lower regions. Either might work, or either might be tragic if he just doesn't like that approach.

I truly have no advice, but those are my thoughts. Hope they bring any kind of starting point for your thoughts and ideas.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:17pm
Senstive, articulate, compassionate - are you truly a man?

And do you have a brother?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:23pm
Rain, (resident male... thank-you)

Your advice is much appreciated.. I want to thank you because getting a male point of view is what I need right now..

First of all , his sex drive is awesome....(he happens to be a musician as well!!) It is what really started this R between us.. He is a client and we started talking one day about our sex lives and he was impressed with how "sexual" and open I was. Talking became a daily thing for is and one night I was talking to him on my way home and we ended up having phone sex.. In the beginning, we had Phone S quite often..even before we met.. Its sort of funny but we just clicked!! Then we decided to meet and I was not ready to actually "cheat" at the time.and I couldn't believe I even decided to meet him..I was still dealing with the fact I was having phone sex with another man.. (of course it was the first time for me cheating in any way.. But believe it or not.. I felt like phone sex wasn't cheating.. I just compared it to a man calling a 900 number..pretty funny, eh?


At the time I thought I was happy with the H but as my R grew with MM I realized I deserved to be treated better. I guess I became "content" with my H and thought it was what my life was going to be...

The long and short of it we started to meet on a weekly basis and "fooled around" but the real thing didn't happen until a few months later. It was wonderful....

I am definitely more sexual than his W. I also know she doesn't show him the appreciation I do. (by the way.. he is 14 years older.. I am 33) ..if anything, she is quite mean to him.. ( I have her her on the phone when we were together)

Now its been a while...We talk about it all the time..(every night) and we talk dirty about things we want to do to each other..so you could imagine the frustration on my part when we do get together. But he just doesn't make time for the S and I find it very strange..

I know he loves the way I think..He tells me all the time.. we have great conversations... we connect on all levels.. I just don't know why I we aren't connecting physically...I can tell you the times we have had Sex..it was great.. and he had more guilt then me.. The first time especially..(NC for 2 days after.. talk about hard)

He is a very sensitive man. so maybe it is the guilt. but again, I ask.. Is it worth the risk for the emotional bond...I do care very deeply for him..and I have to say it scares me.. Or I sometime wonder if he is scared to get really close to me.. I know he cares.. why else would he stay involved.. I guess it will always be confusing.. thanks again.. and any more advice I would appreciate it!!!!

cassy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 4:10pm
am I truly a man, sky cat?

you betcha... and I can belch to prove it.


as for my brother... for every yin there is a yang, the Buddhists teach us. my brother is all things I am not. but hey, maybe you like loud, hairy, mysoginistic rednecks. if so, please advise and I'll forward his number...

thanks for the kind words though... it's sweet of you to say.


rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 4:29pm
Rain Darlin'...

Between you, Omaha and Boston, (and any others I may have missed...sorry) you have a bevy of babes here that would take you on in a New York Minute...


I keep telling my MM I want his clone...single though so he can be all mine...

::::SIGH::::

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 5:45pm
Buck, I am going for Boston, if his OW dumps him. So stay away from him, allright?? *grin*
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 5:52pm
Tis Ok Juliet...I want Rain, please...

I think it was the 110 MPH in cruise control...

And the "not a compact car" comment...

Oh...and the fact that he's a caring compassionate man, too...

So I have DIBS on him...

Neener neener ladies...

You better make your picks on the others soon!!!


~Laurie~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 6:33pm
ROFL!!!

Since we're all so good at sharing, ;)

I'll volunteer to take Rain and Boston on alternating weekends, giving both you and Juliet your much needed breaks, and keeping me occupied during my NC weekends.

How's _that_ for an idea!

::VBG::



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
In reply to: flyermba
Sat, 03-27-2004 - 7:10pm
If it were anyone else but you Caz, I'd have ta say NO WAY IN HELL!!!

But for you...

Sure...

=)