What to do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2012
What to do now?
3
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 11:33am

Hope all of you are well - has been a very long time since I posted.  First I must say how much I wish I had listened to people's advice when I first posted here.  Yeah, I know ....many people come back to say that after the fact....sadly I'm one of them now.  I suppose we just want what we want sometimes - your intuition could be screaming at you, yet we choose to ignore it & block it out because we want something so badly :-( 

My VERY long, VERY sad, trainwreck of a story.........first A started last year with my boss.  I'm married with no children (M is not great yet I stay as I feel I have an obligation to my H - it's complicated), X-AP is married with 4 children (the last of whom was born during the A).  I never set out to have an A, he initiated it to my surprise - we were traveling, got me drunk & made his move.  I ran at first & didn't do it.  He is sly & manipulative...told me this was his first A, that he was attracted to me for 5 years, really made me believe we were just 2 people in the same boat just wanting to find someone trustworthy to have sex with occasionally (not become too EA or have any future expectations).  I took about 2 months before I agreed to it & sadly I started to really believe maybe this was possible...I needed & wanted it in my life & decided to go for it.

There is another girl in my department that worked for him as well & she's one of those very flirty, plays the "sweet & innocent, inexperienced" card & guys love her.  She is also unhappy in her M (she's from another culture & had an arranged M). My screaming intuition told me maybe something had happened with them as she had traveled with him twice a few months before I did.  So before doing anything I layed out all of my expectations & called him out on it - asked him if anything happened & told him if it did, I wanted no part of it because while I'm ok if you have another AP before but I DO NOT want to be involved if you've been with anyone else in this company & especially this girl in my department who I have to work with when both of us work for you.....it would be a recipe for disaster!  Of course I never expected him to admit it if he had, but I figured if I layed it out up front & was firm about it he would realize it wasn't worth the risk at work to be getting involved with both of us & would just back out or change his mind or whatever.  But no - he swore over & over nothing happened....they had mutual friends elsewhere in the comapny (which I knew about) & that is why they were just friends.  He also swore there was never any other A that this was his first.

The other part of it was that he refused to use condoms.....hardest stupid decision I ever made.  We argued at length about this & he swore he had never had sex with anyone but his W in 15 years they were married...and she was pregnant at the time (the W that supposedly manipulated him into another baby....whole nother story) so in my ridiculous pattern of thinking I figured any cheating man with a pregnant W at home would certainly not be willing to risk giving her anything...and I knew he trusted I had been with nobody else so I agreed to it.

After the 1st time we had sex (we were away), he was so SO terribly guilty - he freaked out, staring at the ceiling.  I understood, I told him I felt the same & we should just stop the whole thing....but we got home & of course he pursued....but went through months of the push-pull, GK behavior, ran hot & cold, avoidance & all of that.  At the same time we were dealing with a buyout & he was losing his job (I kept mine but am still looking for another job).....I just wanted him to be a man & admit he didn't want to do it anymore but he would avoid it like someone who's avoiding you breaking up with them so finally one day I just said since you have no balls I'll do it - this whole thing is done.  His EGO is bigger than the Grand Canyon....after months of getting to know this man he most definitely has NPD and some serious sociopathic tendancies (so says my shrink....whom he also had fooled).  This story was so convincing even my psychologist said I was carzy to think anything happened with this other woman & clearly this was his first A!

I was crushed from the entire thing - I spent many days & nights processing things (including my own guilt), feeling like it wasn't me he was just guilty which I understand but not man enough to bother letting me know he was done, or where he stood.  I tried to just remain friendly after that, taking the high road....he's the best job reference I have.  He has since gotten a wonderful new job & title & is a VP now & will be relocating soon. He met me and the other girl for lunch once  after he was let go.

Long story short - of course it was all a huge lie!  After months of discussion the other girl finally fessed up this week that he came on to her when they traveled (said she was so drunk & doesn't remember if sex actually happened but she woke up naked in his room)...she's full of shit of course it did.  She's a terrible liar - and a very submissive doormat personality to.  She knew about me (intuition & because the next 2 trips he took with me) & admitted & that she was upset when she realized he was doing this with me.  She said he tried hooking up with her again while he was with me which I believe - he was playing both of us like fools at the same time.  Honestly I think she may still be involved but who knows.  She's the type that would feel like now that she knows I'm out of the picture for good she "beat me" or won him somehow.....and she is easily manipulated (doesn't have my strong "call you out" tenacious personality that's for sure)....I don't care at all she's a big girl & knows the truth so it's not my problem.

To make matters worse we are 95% sure he was also with another individual that worked for him (that is single but lives overseas)......he is a cruel manipulative narcissistic SOB, and as a result I have to go & get tested because God knows how many women he has done this with.  And his poor W, who later I found did not ever manipulate him, got her tubes tied after the baby so she can have plenty of unprotected sex with him!  I feel so SO terrible.

But this is a man who was handed the opportunity of a lifetime - he impressed the right people, and went from a low end manager to a VP in 3 years time!  And he uses the women that work directly for him to f--ck with & manipulate...with an ego SO big he doesn't even feel the need to watch for his own career because that is how much his shit doesn't stink....and that is how much he believes he is so good & controlling & can get away with it!!!! 

It has been about 2 months since I last spoke to him & I am happy I got the truth - but mad as hell!  I will not ever tell his W....I have thought about it & I don't believe she should find out that way - it's not my place to cause her that kind of pain or his family....but I have to admit while revenge is the low road, I want to take the SOB down!  I do have the power to do that (hit him where it really hurts in either his reputation or career), not because of what he did to me but so maybe he will think twice before doing it to other women.....still I just keep telling myself it's the low road, don't do it. 

So here are my thoughts - what does this @sshole deserve???   I know karma will take care of it eventually...but  I feel like giving karma a tiny push!  Do I have a right to feel that way?  I take full responsibility for getting involved in this & I am fully aware that I stepped into a situation where I could get burned. But I feel he really just used & abused me, my body & my trust - I took so much time & effort to clearly define my expectations before becoming involved with IC, stated my concerns about health issues & basically asked him nicely "If you're a player please pass me by - don't mess with our jobs or with my health".....that is all I asked for....and he is that cruel & heartless - no conscience whatsoever!

The biggest issue for me was his messing with my health - but yet I messed with my own when I foolishly trusted & allowed him not to use a condom.  I guess I should just get tested, suck it up, delete him from Linkedin because I don't need his reference or anything from him.

Thanks for listening & letting me vent.  Just hope maybe this will help somebody out who has an AP like this bastard.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 12:15pm

I think you should do nothing except learn from this experience.  You went into this of your own free will and you foolishly agreed not to use protection.  It's not like he got you drunk & raped you or sexually harrassed you so what should he paid for?  that he lied about the other woman?  A guy who is willing to cheat on his wife is a liar already so why should you trust his word? 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2013
Mon, 06-03-2013 - 2:55am

Your question is "What to do now?"  Well hmmmm.  I think you are sad and angry that you were not his "special" lover.You found out there were so many others.  Additionally, he ended up becoming successful in his career.  And I am assuming here that you were unable to reach his level of success.  It therefor seems to me that your main emotion is jealousy.  Jealous that you weren't precious enough to be his one and only lover, and jealous that he climbed the corporate ladder without a scratch.  So you ask what do you do now?  Well, as I see it you have three options.  #! Forget about the whole thing and move on.  Assuming your H doesn't know, your life can simply proceed as before,  #2  Expose his cheating ways to his wife with evidence of your own plus perhaps the other women to really drive the issue home.  That will surely cause a ruckus, but in lite of the fact she just had a baby, and he is making a good salary, I'm thinking wifey will let it slide.  Another option is to expose his wandering ways to his new emloyer.  If you can gain the backing of the other women, this would not look good in the eyes of the company based on sexual harassment issues. Your final option, which I find most appealing, is to work your a** off, and spend all your time gunning for his job, or the position above it!  Oh what sweet revenge!  But then again, like #1 there is always that option to learn your lesson and walk away.  Release the anger and jealousy from your heart, and leave some space open----maybe even for your Husband.  Whatever the outcome, I wish you well.  But remember Karma is a b**ch and she does come back with a vengence.  You took a lover who was married.  No one is perfect among us.  But no one is above learning a tough lesson either.  Trust me.  I've been schooled by Karma in the strictest of terms.

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007
Tue, 06-04-2013 - 3:50pm

I say save your dignity, hold your head high, do nothing, and move on!  I agree karma is a brat and will get him.  No need to keep trudging through the mud when it's over.

 

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