what to do & out of time
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| Thu, 03-04-2004 - 3:23am |
I am a MM, 33. I have been for 5 years with about 6 years of dating before that. Let the record reflect that while dating I was the one usually pushing to get married and really start a life together while she wasn't sure if she wanted to settle down or follow her career. She talked about moving 800 miles back home. At one point she was going to move 200 miles away to take a job but her boss made a counter to keep her, thus her career took off here.
Finally after about 4.5 years I said no more. A very cool and interesting girl made fearless passes at me. Then like most easily swayed, under-attended men (and with no marriage in sight) I allowed that attention to get to me. I broke it off and starting seeing this interesting girl a little bit.
Well... I sort of broke it off... we still hung out (we were friends and coworkers for over a year before we started dating 4 years earlier.) The W-to-be tried very hard to convince me she was serious and wanted to get married. Her tendency to be mean to me, generally non-sexual and very critical -- things I'd said were real issues for me -- saw some reduction and I saw a rebirth of the funny person I'd fallen in love with. So after 6 months or so I got back together with her. Less than a year later we were married. And less than a year after being married, most of her behavior/attitude returned. But I said for better or worse, so I tried harder instead of complaining.
My W is a tough woman. She is very smart, very attractive, and has been successful very early in her career because of it. Unfortunately, she also tends towards being cold, short-tempered and hyper-critical of everyone around her. Sadly, I often seem to be the only one who likes her. I guess I know somewhere in there is a good heart, even if the blood it pumps can be very cold.
She had gained some weight after getting married. I tried very hard to convince her/show her I didn't care about it, but her already low sex drive nose dived more. Add her rocketing career to the already returning problems... I made it most of 4 years before casually meeting someone online who shared almost all of my interests and struck up a friendship.
I guess I could say that I wasn't looking. But since my W comes home from work late then lays on the bed to watch Soap Channel before falling asleep at 9 or 10, I suppose it's true I was looking, at least for some kind of social interaction. Besides, I figured 2000 miles way was a safe distance.
I found it in this amazing OW, someone who holds so many of my interests. But almost as important (for how it's made me grow) is that she has some past issues and situations that I never expected to be ok with. She has a wonderful 8-year old daughter, she was a stripper at one time, she is a recovered drug addict, a single mom who is going back to school and trying to make a life... it goes on and on... All of these things I really consider just part of what's shaped her to be the single most amazing person I've ever met.
So after a few months of online chat and a little phone chat, I flew her 2000 miles to spend a weekend with me. I figured real life, in the flesh would make us realize this was all just online chat amplified by wishful thinking. Turned out we were amazing together. Just surreal, like I've never been with anyone else. That was Feb. of last year.
I went there in April for a weekend. Even better than the first weekend together.
A long story made short (this is short, if you can believe it) I decided to leave my W after months of increasing tensions. The OW packed up her belongings and child, and with some financial help from me, moved 2000 miles to be here and give us a chance. I got her an apartment before I actually moved out of my house, and that was in August. She's been here since then, but for reasons I can't begin to fathom I haven't moved in with her yet...
I had went to some counseling on my own last summer before the OW move, trying to make sure I wasn't too completely messed up or just having a mid life crisis early. My W actually kind of mocked me for it before I announced that I was leaving. Now it seems she is ok with going if I want her to... well, not really, but if I make her she will go. Anyway.
My W *now* realizes that she hurt me over and over. The situation over the years since getting married has been the same as the situation before that caused me to end things, and she sees that -- *now.* She swears she gets it now and will make us and our home more of a priority.
Most people don't know we're having problems. People are honestly often telling her how lucky she is to have me, and to make it worse still, her coworkers tease her that she doesn't take care of me because I cook, clean, etc. and generally she doesn't do much at all. Even her parents have joked half-seriously with her about how much I "have to put up with."
But I have always tried to give better than I get, it's my personality. I'm no boring wallflower who has nowhere else to turn my attention -- I'm a performing musician, a TV producer, and a writer. But I really love making the people in my life feel special and doing things that will make their lives better. It's just how I'm wired. I spent the first few years of marriage trying to do more and more to make her life better, but finally I have kind of run out of gas.
And when people tell her she's lucky, she gets upset that the favorable comments don't really come my way: she doesn't like that people don't often tell me how lucky *I* am. She actually confessed to sort of resenting me for it. Did I mention she's competitive?
But the OW -- wow, this amazing, passionate woman gives it back in volumes. Her kid is beyond wonderful (and I don't like kids usually.) And she did all of this, moved all this way and took this chance because of love. I've never felt anything like what I feel *from* her. She is the first person to ever lighten my day the way I try to do for others. Never mind what I feel towards her, it's this radiating warmth I feel from her that just amazes me.
All she wants is me. Not a promise of marriage, not a fancy house, not anything except some time to share our common interests, our mutually boundless sex drives, and to cry on each other when things suck. I really want that with her and for her.
But as much as she wants it, the OW is tired of waiting for me and I can't blame her at all. I've said I was moving out of this house and I tried/intended to. But the W has this way of turning soft when I'm trying to go, and I see this vulnerable and needy person I fell for, this person I see that no one else does.
The therapist told me and I've seen it myself, more than once -- this change of behavior won't last. It hasn't lasted the other times she tried to change. If I stay here and married then I succomb to her pleas of "I didn't know you were so serious" and "I know you told me your concerns and issues, but you should have really convinced me somehow." I'm a talker (as this email will attest.) I've said it all a hundred times, the first 90 or so without screaming. And now as I'm virtually packing she says "oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know you were serious." Of course I am, I've said it so many times... how could she just know recognize that I mean it?
I'm out of time. I see the OW breaking apart and it just kills me. She is pretty well ready to move back, and because she's this amazing, fearless, pasionate woman she's willing to move back there to low income housing with what she can pack instead of living here in a nice apartment where I'm paying for things and taking care of her. I don't want her to go and her determination only amazes me more. She's never once threatened me with revelation or anything else. She's a much better soul than I am.
I have two women in my life I love very differently. One I said I'd stay with no matter what -- but who has constantly abused that promise for 5 years. The other has proven her love constantly in more ways than the W would ever try, and it doesn't seem to be an effort. Much like me, she just loves and the actions flow from that. Our lives together would very likely be filled with compassion, love, kindness, and... um... mind-blowing sex. But that's actually sort of secondary -- a weird thing for me to realize given my intensely sensual nature.
Anyone want to guess why I can't move out? I don't know, I can't explain it.
I want to move. I'm scared to move, I'm scared to stay. I know if I stay put I'll lose the person who has shown me the most wonderful, unselfish love of my life... and in a year or so when my W is being terrible again I'll regret it. I was much stronger when I was angry at the W, but now I'm sort of over the angry part and just... sitting... sort of soaking in emotions to the point of saturation. I'm getting sort of numb now and that's starting to scare me too.
Is it money and stability? The W wouldn't ever leave me; she doesn't have time for one thing, and she's too uptight and right for another. My W makes about 3x what I do, though I am having no trouble paying all of the OW bills right now -- bills that wouldn't change if I moved in. I really hate to think I'm that shallow and insecure. To be honest, my W and I have our own bank accounts and credit cards still. The sole thing we share is the house. We could be divorced in 5 minutes with no kids and one shared asset. Maybe that should be a sign too.
OK, I've rambled on long enough. If anyone has anything to contribute, I'll gladly hear it. I'm kind of a mess here.

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I have been married 8 years (together 11). I'm 30 and have one child and another on the way. My W has always been kind of a distant person. I never really recognized it consciously until a few months ago though. I was able to see past her faults and the way being with her made me cut out large parts of my personality. But at some point after we had conceived the child that is now on the way, I realized I wasn't happy and hadn't been for some time. I decided to assert myself and start to be the person I wanted to be. In doing so, I started to realize I couldn't be that person and remain in this M. My W is not a bad person, but she doesn't want or need to express how she feels. Shortly after my realization of this, I started talking to a friend I had met online a couple of years back. We hadn't talked in some time and we ended up talking on the phone. She is such an amazing person and has been through some adversity too. We communicate in a way I never really have with another person. Suffice it to say I fell for her and since then we have been together twice. Meanwhile, I told my W how I felt like I wanted to leave and she immediately started "opening up". Well, at least as much as she could. Once I decided to stay in the house, cut off contact with the OW, and get counseling though, she reverted back to not opening up again. I began to grow distant again and when I told her I just didn't believe our M would work, she started "opening up" again. I know that she is trying because she doesn't want our M to end, but I also know that these changes can't and won't last. She is who she is and while some behavior can be changed, a person's emotional needs can't. I am sticking around for the birth of my child, but shortly after that I will be moving out. I hope to build a relationship with the OW, but if not, I'm comfortable with my decision and I'll build my life and hope to find someone down the road.
I guess my only advice to you would be to decide what you want to do regarding your M regardless of the OW. I know that is difficult to do. It is hard to separate your fear of losing the OW from your feelings about your M. I honestly think you know what you want to do but you're afraid to do it. I know how this feels to. I've never really been alone and I'm terrified of it. But I also am excited at the prospect of being able to be the person I know I can be. I don't know if this is really helpful, but I hope you're able to do what is right for you. Take time and make your decision and don't bow to pressure from your W or OW. Ultimately, only you know what type of relationship you feel you want and deserve and if either of these women can truly fit that profile. No one is perfect, but certainly some people will be more compatible with the person you are and want to be. Just proceed with caution and try to act out of courage, not out of fear. And take care of you. Good luck.
hi raining confusion -- and welcome to the board!
well, i must say, you are very, very forthcoming about your confusion.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
Edited to say that Omaha's situation is different. He is not confused, he knows what his action will be. In his case it's just a question of time. This poster is entirely and utterly confused and I don't think he is in any position to be dating or having a relationship at this time.
Edited 3/4/2004 11:24:52 AM ET by boston53
Good luck
jen
boston, honey, i understand what you're saying, but confusion and OW have been involved for over a year now, she moved here with her daughter for him.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
They're questions only you can answer. And obviously you've thought about it and thought about it all some more, until you're simply more confused.
Take out a pen and paper and start writing down the realities and practicalities of each possible scenario. List the advantages and disadvantages, including the emotional, of each scenario. A personal happiness cost/benefit analysis if you will.
Then put it away for a day or two and forget about it. Then, turn out the lights, sit somewhere comfortable, put on some real soft music (preferably classical, but anything that won't be distracting) and quiet your mind. Try not to think of anything purposefully, just relax and concentrate on your breathing - truly feel it as you suck the air in, fill your lungs and then release it slowly. Do this until you're totally relaxed and at ease. Then, whatever sits most comfortable with your belief system, silently pray, meditate or ask the universe for the right answer. It will come to you. The answer is actually within you - but you have to listen to hear it. And you will know it when you do. If you're concerned that the answer is simply wishful (or fearful) thinking, then it probably is! Start over and try again the next day. You'll eventually get the hang of it, and you'll start hearing that guiding inner voice we all have - but drown out in our busy, noisy lives.
I wish you luck on your journey to find your inner voice - your ture self.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
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