What to do - What to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
What to do - What to do
15
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:18pm
Hi Guys-

I’ve come out of “lurkdom” because I need some advice as to what to do about MM. I’ve been married for a very long time and have never had an affair until now. MM and I have been involved for a year. From the moment I saw him, I was drawn to him. Not necessarily for his looks, but more for his air. He displays a confidence like no other man that I’ve ever met. He and his wife met my H and me through our kids’ extracurricular activity. We became friends and get together socially, on average, once a month. She and I are cordial, but she’s not my favorite person. I certainly do not use my friendship with her to get to him. Anyhow, MM and I have terrible communication problems and seem to constantly play games with one another. Our favorite game is cat and mouse. I don’t know what his problem is, but he insists on keeping me at arm’s length at all times. He’s very much a control freak and any time he thinks he doesn’t have the upper hand, he withdraws until HE’S ready. I also know he’s terrified of getting caught and having “wifey-pooh” take him to the cleaners. I’m very respectful of this and under no circumstances do I make a pest of myself or take unnecessary chances (well, maybe just once). I basically sit back and patiently wait on him to come to me. My problem is that I don’t want to be just another notch in his belt. He doesn’t necessarily have to get all gushy, but he does need to make an effort to help me feel secure in the relationship. He knows that I’m perfectly willing to keep it on the down-low and just get together occasionally for some red-hot sex and a few laughs, but for Heaven’s sake, I need to feel special. Well, anyhow, at the risk of getting hurt, about two months ago I tried to tell this guy how I felt. I basically told him that I was falling in love with him, which was probably a little too strong, but I was having one of those weak, female moments, ya know? Anyhow, I told him, “I can’t make you love me, but if you don’t, then we have to be over.” He agreed until I stated the rule, “No Contact.” I said, “Don’t call me. I won’t call you. Don’t call my house. Don’t invite us over. Don’t call H. That’s the only way I’m going to be able to get over you because every time you call I come running.” His reply was, “Me too. I can’t resist you either”. Well, we talked a little more then hung up without really resolving anything. UGH! So I don’t hear from him for several weeks, which is nothing new because that’s how he treats me, and that’s what I’m completely sick of. I want to hear from him more often and not be made to sit around for unusually long periods of time wondering when he’s going to call again. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, he calls my house. I’m home alone; we have a nice conversation about nothing, and I manage to restrain from throwing myself at him. And that, my friends, has been the nature of our relationship - him calling every so often, but neither of us making any sort of moves towards the other. Recently, I was hurt in a minor accident, and he called my house to check on me. I was so thrilled. Again, we were having a wonderful conversation about nothing. He reported he had started smoking again. Matter-of-factly, I said, “That’s okay, I still love you.” And he replied, “I love you, too”. His words took me by complete surprise, and I just sort of changed the subject. I didn’t ask for him to call, and I certainly didn’t ask for him to say that he loved me. I want to believe he meant it, but the realist in me says he only said it because that is what will get him back into my panties. I wish I could just get over this case of the dumb-ass, forget him and move on, but I can’t. He won’t let me. On the other hand, we are both very prideful and neither of us wants to show our vulnerability. So what do you guys think? How should I handle this guy?



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 5:39pm
Hello Fresh Catch, and welcome to the board.

There is too much to risk in an A to want to play games with someone. Either they want to do this, or they don't. I have a problem with what seems to be this man's control issues, as you put it. I can see him jerking you around like a yo-yo once he knows he has you on the hook and you are emotionally commited to this relationship.

IMHO, throw him back. No one is worth it when they play emotional games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 10:23pm
Sweet, you're absolutely right, but how in the Hell do I turn off this faucet of emotion and adoration that I feel for this guy? HA! Easier said than done. I have to be honest and tell you that I failed to mention in my first post that I have not necessarily been innocent of yanking his chain myself. We BOTH are guilty of being stubborn and hardheaded. Looking back, I truly believe in the beginning he was giving me all he could, but I'm a brat, and it wasn't enough. I was selfish and let my neurosis get the best of me. I insisted on being a hard-ass by constantly making him prove he wanted to be with me when it was there the entire time. I've never had an affair before and until I found these boards, had no idea how it was supposed to work. I tried to turn it into something that it wasn't.

I just wish I could go back to the beginning knowing what I know now. I wouldn't be so silly about things. I would be more understanding and tolerant when he couldn't get away to see me or talk to me on the telephone. He's very busy at his job. If he doesn't work he doesn't get paid, and his is the only income in their family. I should have done a better job of keeping things light. I pretty much take the blame for the way things have turned out. How can I convince him to give me another shot? Do you think there's still a chance?

Fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:32am
An affair is too much of a risk to take if it does not enhance your life. From your first post, it sounded like you are in a lot of pain due to the behavior of this man. I am not in your situation, but if my OM made me feel insecure for a long time, I would end it. It will be hard, but by doing so you will be open to love from your husband or another man. In your second post you sound like you are taking all responsibility for this man's actions. You cannot be responsible for what he does.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:14am
Thanks, Faraway, for your words of wisdom. You and Sweet have said what I've known all along. However, knowing something is one thing, accepting it is another. I realize my problem stems from needing validation from this guy, and he just won't give in. I also think I'm in love with the idea of being in love. I love H, but I'm just not in love with H. *sigh* No one stirs my fire like MM.

H and I are getting together with these people this weekend. How in the Hell am I going to pull it off without flirting or throwing myself at this guy? I need a definite plan of action.

Fresh

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:31am
PACE YOUR DRINKING!!! We lose our inhibitions under the influence so just make sure you don't lose yours!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 10:50am
Excellent suggestion. Thank you, DeeDee. Maybe he'll get tipsy and come on to me. I will be romping around in my bikini, and I can almost guarantee it. What should I do then? TeeHee, this is almost fun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:49am
I completely agree with DeeDee about the drinking. There has only been one time that MM, his wife, my H and I have been in the same place together. Unfortunately it was a work thing and lasted for four days. The first night I drank without eating anything all day and got pretty drunk. We had agreed that there would be no contact between us when spouses were in the same room. Because I was tipsy and upset about seeing his wife, I could not help myself but kept looking over at him. Not good!

If I could redo the whole situation, I would not drink, eat something, and just devote my attention to my husband. It is amazing what a little jealousy will do to a man. Do not throw yourself at him. Someone said a couple of months ago on this board that if there was a pile of diamonds at your door, you would take them for granted if you have them everyday. Good advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:43pm
Four days with MM and no touching!?!? UGH!

The four of us get together socially on a regular basis. Usually it's MM that initiates these get-togethers. I'm struggling with the idea that he likes hanging out with H more than me (see how neurotic I am). Anyhow there is always drinking involved and once MM and I get going, we constantly exchange glances and secret touches. It's so much fun.

H is suspicious. The last time we were all together he made a remark, "He sure looks at you a lot." I just blew it off by saying something to the effect that he can't help it because I'm so beautiful. LOL!

I'm going to try super-hard to restrain myself this weekend, but I just can't help it. I love to stroke his ego the way he strokes mine.

Fresh

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 12:55pm

You asked for advice, so I'm giving you my two cents..


This man has no right to treat you like a yo-yo.

~Flirty~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 1:32pm
Your two cents mean the world to me, Flirty. Thanks for responding.

Many times I've tried to leave this guy alone and get over him, but just can't seem to stick with it. It's simply toxic. He's the drug, and I'm the junkie. What do I have to do, move out of the country? Seems a little extreme. Don't you guys know of a secret potion I can drink to flush this person out of my system?

Incidently, I can't wait to see him this weekend. I guess I'm getting what I deserve, huh?


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