what to do when divorce comes up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
what to do when divorce comes up
2
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 8:52pm
I posted about a years ago. I am in a relatioship with MM whom I have known for years and dated in college. It is one of those first loves- he has been my best friend ever since (20+ years). We finally got together (we live in different states) about 2 1/2 years ago. It was incredible. It was as if time had stood still. We saw each other multiple times and would email or talk almost every day. He is my best friend and someone who I am madly in love with and he feels the same about me.

Then all of a sudden in March he called and said he needed some space to figure things out and in order to do that needed NC. I was completely blinsided. He could not think logically with me in the picture. The NC lasted about 3 months. It was torture for me. I did send him an email once a week.

We finally talked and it turned out he was near divorce and needed to figure out what to do. Shortly after our NC began his malpractice stopped paying and he had to put his house on the market. So his world had been turned upside down. He didn't want to get divorced at that time because of the kids- about 12 and 16. We managed to really talk about us and he basically said he could not leave his W. I asked him if he would be willing to meet me halfway - he immediately said yes... and asked me what I needed-so I just said we needed to be able to talk and that's all I needed for now. He said his feelings had not changed and never would. Things were reasonable for the next few months. We talked and just were there for each other.

I am in a very similar position- H is a great father but we just have grown apart. We fight off and on. It is not terrible- but not a happy marriage. I have a DD aged 5 years and at this point would not want a D...but can't see spending my whole life in this M.

So before Christmas I talked with MM- we talked about getting together but it really would not work for either of us. We both went on vacations and had fun. I had not heard from him in about a month and called. He was with W and could not talk. He emailed and said W was really ready for a divorce and he was miserable and was afraid W would find out about me and use it against him. He did not want to lose the kids.

My question is what to do? How do you handle this kind of situation? I want to be supportive and a part of me would love for him to get divorced- yet I am not ready for D. And a part of me is upset that he is miserable that W is ready for a D- he should be sad but why miserable? Logically I know that is silly but it still hurts some.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:13pm
HI TB

WHAT TO DO :I would keep a low profile at this point because if you accidently did anything that pushed his wife into a D MM my be upset enought to hold it against you and it could end the R completely.

Ending a M is much harder then you may imagine even a bad one, if you do so at some time you are going to discover that fact.The MM could be struggleing with this, and the fact is he may still love his wife more then you may like to think, also the possablity of looseing daily access to his kids has got to be a problem for him.

HOPE THIS HELPS

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 10:20pm
I agree with Free, maybe you should give him some distance to figure out what he's going to do. I've been divorced once, and it was a really difficult time for me. I wasn't seeing anyone else at the time. I really needed the time alone to get my head together.

Plus, if he does leave his W, what then? Would you still want to see him and what happens if he makes more demands on you, and you said you're not ready to leave your H? Him getting a D would really complicate things alot it seems like.

If its meant to be, you will have him back again, maybe single, maybe not. But he probably needs to think straight what he's going to do. JMHO.

Dusty
xxxx