What do you do when they come back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
What do you do when they come back?
17
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 3:02pm

I have been a lurker here for years and have had so much help by just reading everyones stories and posts. I have been meaning to post.. just a little shy I gess. Sorry if my abbreviations are off.. Quick story..


I was involved with a MM for a little over a year.. Dday was last October. We made the decision to not talk and to go on with our lives and work on ourselves, he felt the need to try and work things out and make sure she was okay.. Understandable.. hurt but I understood that when you have been with someone for over 10 years you try to not leave everything in shambles..

"The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 4:04pm

They always come back when they get bored with their little lives and start to miss that adoration that you provided. After 6 moths of NC he comes to tell you he thinks about you all the time and loves you? Please.

The best thing to do is to cut whatever lines of communications are still open and live you happy life without him. You must be pretty much healed after so much time apart, and you really don't need his crap in your life. He had a dday already and chose his wife - what else do you need to know?

Get yourself over EAS for more answers, meanwhile I'll post an absolutely classic story that fits your case perfectly.

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 4:08pm

Story time...
Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybe it was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him. Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinks he is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love for years. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would make him IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyone feel like a prince among men.
Then W finds out or is suspicious. MM gets tired of having to find ways to sneak out and see OW, and he's tired of listening to OW bitch that she wants more time with him. MM starts to tell OW he can't do this anymore. OW begs and pleads- no MM, I love you, please leave to be with me. I'll wait for you forever. Meanwhile, wife is saying- please, we are a family, we can work through this, think of the children, the history, I'll try to be more fun in bed. So, now MM has 2 women who think he's the cat's freaking meow.
Finally, under the guise of "doing the right thing", he stays with the wife. For a while, he lives with that "heroism" feeling, that in the end, he did the honest thing and stayed with him family. That he SACRIFICED for the good of his family. And also for the good of OW, cause she was oh, so unhappy in that relationship and she'll find someone else.
Then, weeks and months go by. Wife is happy at first that she has her husband back. But that feeling wears off and she becomes angry and bitter. There's tension around the house, and the sex hasn't improved like wife promised it would. And NO ONE is paying any attention to poor little MM. There's no one professing their undying love. There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat with a bottle of wine and a thong.
Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, and hell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a good friend. And maybe she still likes me.
So, he calls, or emails. At first OW says, oh, MM I missed you so. I still think about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knows he was loved by this woman, and she still adores him. He feels better about himself, and can go back to being Mr. Do the right thing with wife. This happens repeatedly.
Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I was sick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'm glad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked out between us.
MM is crushed. How could she have done this? How could she have GONE ON WITH HER LIFE? After all, he was really going to leave someday.
And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life and marriage, and that OW was just a fling to him.
More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to the mindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story. This life is not so bad, after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she found happiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her.
But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SG anymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends. Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty for hurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to have someone who adores me constantly.
And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and no response. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoring ME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. Nothing again from OW.
For, you see my dear friends, she really has moved on. And no amount of adoration or apology matters to her anymore.
And MM's life is back to "normal"- as it was when this whole mess began.
Can you believe this is the fate of poor MM? After all, he was a HERO. He gave up everything for the greater good. How can wife still be upset? Can't she act like this never happened? and OW has gone with her life... what happened to these 2 women who adored me so.
MM feels like crap about himself. He starts to recognize that he created this fate for himself, and that out there in the world somewhere is OW, a woman who would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, and now she belongs to another. Someone else is holding her, someone else is making love to her.

well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME...

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 4:21pm

hi music..

mm here.. quick question.. has it been two months since that email? any further communications?

since he has not provided with any further insight into why he wrote this, i'd agree that he's bored, things are not going well at home and he's fishing to see if you are available.. if you respond, he's hoping the cycle will start again.. (i said cycle on purpose)

why is he doing this? because he's selfish and he doesn't really care about how such an action would affect you.

best if you let it go. he'll get a very clear message then.

good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 7:22pm
Gone,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2008
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 7:41pm
Wow, awesome post! This should be published in a magazine column or a book. Beautifully written! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 8:01pm

It's was not written by me - it was posted on EAS, I just copied it for you guys. Sorry I didn't mention it earlier. But it fits OP situation perfectly, don't ya think?

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 8:20pm

I have to agree with the others, music.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2009
Thu, 06-10-2010 - 11:44pm

No I don't agree. Nothing in this world fits perfectly gone....and affairs, like marriages and break ups that leave bitter women behind, are not all cookie cutter....that is what I think.

We all get to write our own chapters. Take yours back to EAS where it belongs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2010
Fri, 06-11-2010 - 5:43pm

wow.. I am glad I wore waterproof mascara to work today.. thank you ladies and gentlemen.. I was almost done and over it.. and then it was like a band aid being ripped off.. but I have not talked to him and not seen him for months and I know I can do it again and be completely done. Thank yall soo much. I will re-read the post Gone put up again when I am at home.


Yall have a great weekend!

"The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"
"The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers of love is hell!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2010
Sat, 07-03-2010 - 3:22pm

I've been a lurker here for a while too and can't thank everyone enough for sharing all their experience and advice, I may be brave enough to do that myself one day.

I was compelled to post after reading this. I'm so sorry musicmess, that after you worked so hard to get on with your life and accept his decision he got back in touch, bringing all the feelings back. It is so hard to know what is really going on in someone's head but I thought I would just offer up my experience so you have another view to consider.

Briefly, I am a MW involved in an A, of sorts, for around 2 years. He is single. He suffers with guilt, as I do, and we have tried to stop a few times. I went NC for around 3 months explaining why first, knowing he would understand. He did try to salvage things or 'fish' once but I kept strong and ignored him.

The fact is it didn't stop me thinking about him. My mind told me I was doing the right thing, I knew it had to stop, but it didn't mean that everything I felt stopped dead. I convinced myself that I could do it this time, that it was better than the alternative, but sometimes it is hard to follow through.

I did contact him after a long time and it wasn't because I was bored, or even because I wanted an ego stroke (ok, maybe a bit, I do just love the way he makes me feel). It was because I missed him and I wanted to talk to him and I wanted to let him know that. Selfish, I know. My feelings just took over.

It wasn't just "oh I'm bored what can I do, oh I know he'll be hanging around pining after me and say things to make me feel better about myself" at all. I have never given him any idea that I would ever leave my husband and I don't think either of us have any illusions that this would work as a relationship. We have never discussed that. I love my husband very much but like all things, it's not perfect, and I have something magical with my AP that I haven't got with husband after many years of marriage. Mainly passion and excitement.

I hope this helps to see that not every action is selfish and calculating.

Thanks for reading.

SM

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