What do you make of this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
What do you make of this??
11
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 6:56pm
Okay, maybe it is just PMS talking but here goes....

Celebrated V-Day with MM last Thursday. Did mention in passing that my kids were at their Dad's for the weekend. I did NOT stress the subject, because I did not want to hear him say he had plans with the W, and I did not want to hear him say "I might be able to stop by", because too many disappointments have come from that, and I couldn't handle being disappointed on V-Day. I did get a nice card, and cute little present.

Anywho, he comes into my office this morning and asked how the weekend was? I said, Okay, I painted blah blah blah....and he says (in a surprised voice)..."Oh the kids were gone??!! I was home doing nothing!! Why didn't you say anything??"

I am completely torn on this. He KNEW the kids were gone, didn't he?? But yet, nice to hear he wasn't out wooing the W, like I figured he was. I've been stewing all day over him not showing up when he could have!!! It was Valentine's Day. Could he have honestly forgotten my saying the kids were gone??

I am honestly P-oed about this. But I can't quite figure out why! Maybe it's the fact that we haven't spent more than 20 minutes alone since October!!!!!

GRRRRRRR....why are men, married or not, so dang exasperating!!

Just Venting!

CFH

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Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:07pm
My only advice:

i learned a long time ago my MM has no memory!! Well, for dates, but that's IT. i told him a hundred times i was off of work today. OK, literally, i told him 5 times. So he stops in, surprised my daughter was home. DUH. LOL!! So we visited and had a tickle session but no sex LOL. Point being, i don't know if it's cuz he's 14 years older than me, because he has a penis, or because i have a tendency to remember every little word we excahnge, but my MM just does not remember things. i try to find nice ways to repeat my self without sounding nagging LOL. i also figure, the guy is basically living two lives, you can only remember so much LOL!!!

In my case it's not such a big deal, a memory slip here and there. We don't hide cuz W knows all about us and we live and work 2 minutes away (literally) from each other and see each other alot.

If it bothers you, i guess you have to speak up, but, i know my MM honestly just forgets alot of the time. i say give him a break, that's my vote.

good luck :)

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:41pm
Hi Jenn,

I've reading your posts. You're lucky to be living so close to your MM and can see each other often. I used to get upset if my MM forgot something I mentioned but then decide that men are forgetful and I don't read too much into it.

You said that both of you don't have to hide since his W knows about it. Did she cause any problems ? no divorce ? how do get so lucky ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 7:44pm

Hi CFH,


I have to say... it's a man thing! my DH is absolutely hopeless... and while MM is certainly better... he's not perfect.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:31pm
Man, it's so typical! Last night we worked together -- He had a hotel room, I was close enough to drive home but told him I had an excuse not to. We sort of half made plans to meet after the job, but he never calls. Finally I have to get home or get my own room. This morning he calls and leaves a voice mail -- stunningly chirpy -- like there's nothing wrong. Meantime, I get home at 1:00 in the morning, can't sleep, and end up cleaning the house from top to bottom. !@#$%^ What is it about men?
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 9:46pm
Hey maingirl,

yeah, i guess i am lucky it lots of ways. We see each other alot and it was all just coincidence that we live and work down the street from each other.

Oh, she was on to us pretty quickly. The guy had no life and was a total homebody. They were going through rough times and he didn't exactly kill himself to hide me. She said are you having an affair, he said yup. Oh, she was quite upset at first, there was talk of seperation, but neither one of them really wants to leave. Once she figured she may lose him, she made alot of things better, and while he isn't happy to death, he's not unhappy enough to leave, and she isn't willing to leave or throw him out or anything over the A. They have been married a long time (going on 21 years). She's willing to basically turn the other way. He loves both of us, and wants to have us both. i am recently seperated, he's willing to see me through the divorce and dating ahead, he just doesn't think he can leave, and i totally understand. i am not dating now but i sure will someday, and i plan on having him in my life for a long time. Honestly, they don't even hardly fight about me, she gets her one liners in, he lies alot to keep the peace, basically they just don't talk about it. Don't ask me, i don't understand it completely either, but i guess i kinda do. i love him enough to be wtih him "part time".... obviously, so does she.

Sorry so long

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 1:41am
Are you blind?? he spent the weekend with his wife. He's not going to tell you that, though. They never do. Nine times out of ten they are still having sex with their wife, and lying to you saying they never get any at home. They hardly ever leave their wives, because the excitement of the affair will be gone, once he's left her, and it's just you and him. Besides, how could you do want him to come by while your kids are gone?? what they don't see won't hurt them?? most of the women on here are being used, and don't even realize it. The mm tell lies, saying they're in a bad marriage, staying for the "kids", and so forth... just so they can drag the relationship on. I know, because i almost had an affair 6 years ago. The lies he told were unreal. Some of it true, but once i saw his wife, holding his arm, smiling, i was then being played the fool. He had children too, and i didn't want to hurt his wife, or his children, especially after hearing his wife had a nervous breakdown a few years back from a previous affair. So i opted out. The majority of the time, all he thought about was wanting to have sex with me. Come to find out, he was seeing other women in the office, not just trying to pursue me!! and sure, it's easy to fall in love with these men, because they are so charming, but the reality outweighs the fantasy. For me, it was that i couldn't live with the guilt i would be facing by starting an affair with this man. It taught me a lesson, but 5 months later, i met my husband, and i have no regrets about not starting an affair or being the ow, because something great was right around the corner, and i would hate to think of how i might have been trapped up in lies with a mm and having to live with the fact i'd only be his ow, never his wife.
Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:07am
Hmmm, okay, so let me get this straight....................

You are SO happy in your titillating and glorious marriage of six years that are you up one am posting slighlty judgemental posts to a "my affair support" board about how *glad* you are that you passed up your affair six years ago and how we are all being "played".

Yup, i suuuuuuuuuuuuuuure am jealous of you.

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 11:16am
Dear Angel, sorry you had such a bad experience... but many women on this board have had equally good experiences. Doesn't pay to judge the world by one man's behavior. Think of all the good stuff you may have missed because you've shut yourself down. Good for you, though, that you made your life work.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 7:04pm
Amazingly, I think your response helped more than any others. I know he's never lied to me. He hasn't had a reason to. He's never promised me anything that he hasn't delivered on. I was not expecting to see him last weekend. We had no plans. And he could have said nothing, and that would have been fine.

I have no illusions that he is NOT having sex with the W. But we do not talk about it. I know it's not often. He does not trash his W to me. Does not go on about how bad it is, or good. I know him like I know myself. I know when it's going better or worse for him at home. Just by how he acts with me. He doesn't talk about it, nor do I. Both for our own reasons.

I know I am not being used. He has made no promises of any future. There's the dreams of course. Of what it could be like. But I am in this with my eyes WIDE open. And am free to walk away at any time.

As for why when the kids are not home? DUH. Because, regardless of anything, I am a good Mom, and would never introduce anyone...ANYONE single or married into their lives unless they were going to be around for a good long time.

Thanks to all of you who responded. I know how forgetful that man is. And because I didn't mention it again, he didn't know for sure. His fault, my fault, whatever. It comes down to the biggest thing I've learned in this A. And that is, things usually turn out for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time!

He made up for it today by the way. ;)

Thanks again!

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:51am
this is to Jen. Sorry you had such sarcasm for my post. But the main reason i posted it; is because i was once in this situation, and i know it can be damaging to someone; especially one who is looking for a commitment from a mm. I wasn't posting to the ones who are having affairs with "no strings attached", but only ones looking for committment. That is hard to find in a married man. I hate to see anyone being used by a mm. Especially the men that are happy when they go home to their wives, and lead a double life with the ow. No, i have not been married six years. I've been married 5; celebrating our anniversary last week. My point in being, i found that "commitment", that i couldn't have found if i ever started that affair before i met my husband. I didn't post to gloat over the "almost affair",only just to warn you guys how men are. Because after i met that man, i had a hard time trusting anyone again. It damaged me. Because when it was time for me to settle down and be in a loving relationship, i still recalled the mm lies, and dishonesty to his wife. I hope in some way i have helped someone who is looking for that "commitment". Hopes are high, but can be dimmed easily if you're not careful. Yes, Jen, i am 100% happy in my marriage; it's like a honeymoon all the time. You can be happy married, or single. But i think it should really be up to us women to make ourselves happy; and not have to depend on a man, because married or single, they can let us down. But also remember no one is perfect. Once again, good luck to you all. I hope you find the happiness you're looking for. Take care.

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