What do you make of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
What do you make of this?
7
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 1:59pm
I am a MW that has been having an A with a SM. I have been M for 8 yrs and have one child with one on the way. The "one on the way" definitely belongs to H because I did not begin seeing OM in person until about a month ago, and we have never been intimate.

The OM and I knew each other previously. Ironically, we hated each other back then. However, OM has changed quite a bit since then and has revealed a softer side of himself to me that I find very endearing. I began feeling very attracted to him soon after we began communicating. I never contemplated an A, but I enjoyed flirting with him in hopes I excited him as much as he excited me. He lived out of town and had a girlfriend, so I never felt too worried that the situation would get out of control. In fact, I told him that I was simply interested in him as a "side interest" and had no desire to take the place of his girlfriend.

However, I also experienced a tremendous amount of guilt because I had never even contemplated being unfaithful to H before. I tried to cut off communications with him several times. He complied but I always broke down and re-established contact again and again. The last time I re-established communication was just a very cool, but friendly e-mail telling him about my new maternal status. I actually hoped that might keep things cool between us, but strangely enough, it has had just the opposite effect. He said that he became very strongly attracted to me at that point.

I broke that news to him about 4 months ago. He has sinced moved back to town and has a new job just minutes from mine. He has become very consumed with me and has stated many times about what a wonderful husband and father he would be. I love him, but I have no intention of leaving H. I even tried to cool him down by telling him that I have no immediate plans for D and also would not feel right about being intimate with him for at least a year due to my present condition. He is perfectly fine with that. I am floored and don't know quite what to do about him. He seems like the man that any woman would want, but I still only see him as a side interest. I have tried to be very honest with him about my doubts of this A developing into a LTR, but he just wants to live in a dream world. I've tried to encourage him to look for someone else that is available, but he just wants to wait for me. I don't want to be cruel and string him along just so I can enjoy his company, but I also can't seem to get him to face reality and move on either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 2:51pm
sunshine, maybe it's your unavailability SM finds soooo attractive right now. he knows you won't be making a move to him, so he can desire what he can't have. and on top of that, he can say that stuff about what a good husband and father he would be, but he doesn't have to follow through, does he?! nope - 'cause you're already taken and he's not putting himself out there to meet another woman who might require SM to step up to the plate and prove himself.

you MUST make SM understand that you are not serious about him. and in order to convince him, you'll have to stop contact with SM after "the talk" or this R will just get way more complicated than you want to deal with right now, what with the new baby on the way and your ambivalence about SM to boot.

be brutally honest, discontinue your "side interest" and concentrate on that baby, your other child and your M. it's hard to raise two children alone if you let your M go down the drain over some SM you really have no interest in! i hope you consider the "big picture" of your future and realize the direction you should be going.

that's just my opinion.

good luck,

gurl

Avatar for mikkolover
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:29pm
I agree with you. I've had men promise to love me forever, and say that they will be great husbands and dads too, ´but those are just words- Geeze, you are with another man's child. I mean not to sound to brutal, but what are you thinking. Really gurl said it best with you not wanting to end up a single mom of two etc.. but saying in my opinion careless things like, we can't have sex due to my current state, is so stupid. Do you want this baby? Cause up to 5 months you can abort, and get on with that A. Listen to yourself, and read through your postings.. and see what you are trying to ruin for what.. good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 3:47pm
now sunshine, i'm not passing any judgments here. you're a grown woman and can certainly do whatever you want, including having an A while pregnant. i just feel that if you're that ambivalent about this man, you should not put yourself and your unborn child in a potentially bad situation. i'd make it clear to SM that you can be friends only, nothing else and then back off a bit (a couple of weeks) to make it stick. if he's like most other SM, he'll get bored waiting for you and move onto dating other women and you'll be off the hook!

good luck honey,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 4:38pm
I agree with gurl. Let him know that you are not interested in him more than a friend and you don't want him to waste any precious time on you. I did the same with my OM who is also single. For a while I entertained thought of having a future with him but I realize its not going to work out. We will never be good life partners because we cannot even be affair partners sometimes. I am so over that phase now and expect my A to what it really is an A and nothing much more. One of these days - it going to meet the fate of thousnds of A's . Hope you can tell you guy that and make him listen. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:03pm
Thanks for replying. Of course I want this baby (which is my H's). Also, I have no desire to leave H at this time. I really thought the news about the pregnancy would be a turnoff as well as sending the message that he wasn't going to get any sex out of me for a long time. (Wouldn't you think that would turn a man off??) Apparently it must have something to do with him wanting what he cannot have. It's kind of bizarre to me.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:09pm
All the more reason to run like a madd woman. Sounds like he could have some issues! Good luck! I'm out of here for the day. Take care! NMR
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Mon, 12-15-2003 - 5:24pm
I don't know much about this kind of situation - being pregnant and in the A. But I can see why you don't want anything with this guy. I am also going to be trying to be in the family way - I have put it off for too long mostly for the OM. Yesterday, it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that while I sit here trying to consider his feelings and his expectation he was not up to par with me on that aspect. It was probably just sex and some exictement to him. I wanted to be more than that and did not realize he cannot give it to me. He always meets his needs first and has very little thought about others and I don't see all of this as a good potential life partner. Scaring enough he has lot of arrogant and selfish chracteristics like my husband. enuff said. :)