Hi Lost, I am very sorry for what you are going through.
I think my gut is telling me that maybe you are learning a valuable lesson. That being that things ended with the other man, as well as with your H for very valid reasons.
May I ask how your children did during the time you and your H were separated and with others? I might be in the minority in saying that I don't believe that staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the children is necessarily in their best interest. My own experience with that is that my daughter (who was older than my son by six years) actually said about two months after her father and I split for the last time that it was a relief for her not to have to listen to the arguing and meanness between her dad and I anymore.
The thing I would like to ask is the following: Why when the relationship ended with the other people did you and your H decide to go back to one another? It seems that you had been so unhappy for so very long that it would have been a really difficult decision for you. That said, I understand the fear of being alone after such a devastating loss (believe me I REALLY understand that one). I guess I would say, that in my experience, going back rarely works. I have experienced it fail myself and watched it fail with several close friends.
Maybe some time alone (without your H or the other man) would do you good. Especially since your children are much more quick to come to your defense and you wouldn't have to fear losing them.
As for the other man, honey I think that you would be best off letting him go. It seems clear that there are reasons that didn't work either (like a nasty temper, maybe) and that if you and your H DO split up, you don't need the likes of him in your world.
One more thing, MAS is a good place, but most folks here are in active affairs. There are several other boards on Ivillage that might help you. After the Affair comes to mind. The CL over there is rebuilding her marriage after her own affair and I am sure she would be able to give you some very good perspective on the relationship with your husband.
Finally, and this is something I have discovered recently, alone isn't so bad. I didn't think I wanted to be alone, but it turns out that I am actually doing quite well and enjoying it quite a lot.
Hi Lost,
I am very sorry for what you are going through.
I think my gut is telling me that maybe you are learning a valuable lesson. That being that things ended with the other man, as well as with your H for very valid reasons.
May I ask how your children did during the time you and your H were separated and with others? I might be in the minority in saying that I don't believe that staying in an unhealthy marriage for the sake of the children is necessarily in their best interest. My own experience with that is that my daughter (who was older than my son by six years) actually said about two months after her father and I split for the last time that it was a relief for her not to have to listen to the arguing and meanness between her dad and I anymore.
The thing I would like to ask is the following: Why when the relationship ended with the other people did you and your H decide to go back to one another? It seems that you had been so unhappy for so very long that it would have been a really difficult decision for you. That said, I understand the fear of being alone after such a devastating loss (believe me I REALLY understand that one). I guess I would say, that in my experience, going back rarely works. I have experienced it fail myself and watched it fail with several close friends.
Maybe some time alone (without your H or the other man) would do you good. Especially since your children are much more quick to come to your defense and you wouldn't have to fear losing them.
As for the other man, honey I think that you would be best off letting him go. It seems clear that there are reasons that didn't work either (like a nasty temper, maybe) and that if you and your H DO split up, you don't need the likes of him in your world.
One more thing, MAS is a good place, but most folks here are in active affairs. There are several other boards on Ivillage that might help you. After the Affair comes to mind. The CL over there is rebuilding her marriage after her own affair and I am sure she would be able to give you some very good perspective on the relationship with your husband.
Finally, and this is something I have discovered recently, alone isn't so bad. I didn't think I wanted to be alone, but it turns out that I am actually doing quite well and enjoying it quite a lot.
Thank you for your feedback!