What do you think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
What do you think about this?
2
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:28pm
I am not someone who has had an affair, but my H did recently cheat on me. I was told last night that he, while drunk at a conference, went to another women's hotel room and kissed her. He left and did not let anything else happen. What killed me, is that I knew something was wrong as soon as he got home, but he said nothing was wrong. He actually got mad at me for saying that. He said that he did not have the courage to tell me right away. He expressed tremendous guilt and said he should leave because he can't face me. I don't want that and I expressed that to him.

He has recently lost a lot of weight and apparently she made him feel good saying such things "boy you are looking good" and really acting like she wanted him. He told me of the incident. I tell him everyday how sexy and gorgeous he is - even before the weight loss. We do not spend a 1/3 of the time together that we used to. My work takes up a lot of time and we haven't been devoting much time together.

This, while not an affair, has totally crushed me. I think it is in no way OK for a spouse to do anything like this. I know he loves me. All he said was that he should leave because he can't face me (which I see as the easy way out). He said that he would still support me (his contribution to our finances) and do such things as mow the yard, etc. I told him that he was just trying to make it easier on himself. I told him that I wanted to forgive him, but right now (1 day later), I have no self-esteem and fill awful. I really feel like I did something, but at the same time I say "I would never do that". If our marriage is in trouble, I want to talk about it and deal with it.

I am so concerned that my husband wants another life now. That scares me completely. I love him and I used to trust him. How can you recover from this? Again, I realize it is not an affair, but some on this board might have advice for me.

Thanks for allowing me to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:59pm
I'm so sorry. I have been on the other side of an A and I know how much it hurt my W. Unfortunately, too many of us have such low self-esteem that we seek approval from the wrong sources. That is so unhealthy. One other concern I have, though, is the fact he wants to move out. That tells me there may be more behind his straying than just attraction or self-esteem. I wonder if maybe there is a deeper problem he isn't telling you about. I would advise you to get some counseling immediately. Even if he moves out, get him to go to counseling with you. And if he won't, go alone. You'll need it to get past your pain. Unfortunately, punishing him will only serve to drive a deeper wedge between you. You're going to have to forgive him if you want to save this M. And he has to want to save it. I wish you all the best and I hope you can at the very least find peace within yourself. You sound like a genuine and caring person. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:51pm

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain... I have not been there... but I've seen the hurt from it.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My