What do you think about this......
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What do you think about this......
| Fri, 09-19-2003 - 10:37am |
Okay so I was with HIM the other night and we were having sex and then his GF called in the middle of it. But actually when she called, he was not IN me. But when she was talking to him for the short time this call went on, he was just kind of like uh huh, etc. cuz we were kind of ya know, busy? All of a sudden then, he whispered to me, to put it in. I'm like what? Um okay so I went about it and there we were ya know, doing it. Well she was going on talking about her class she was coming out of and she asked him what he was up to/doing etc. and he's said, "oh i'm hanging out w/ Tammy. We're going to go here and there or whatever" he said." It was like once SHE heard MY name she goes, "Oh (like a greaaat kind of thing)." And I could hear this whole conversation. I'm thinking to myself at the time, OMG this is crazy lol.
So at the end of the night, i said to him that he was bad for doing that (being saracstic) and he's like well we were inthe position, might as well have fun w/it right?
I'm like uhh yea.
So question is.......has anyone been in that situation in your A or do you have any comments? I think it's crazy. It may offend some of you , and i apologize in advance.
Thx
Tammy

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I respect my OM *because* he's never done that. No, he doesn't feel guilty and for the most part I don't either, though I'm sure we should. If your OM is struggling so darn much and feels so badly about his wonderful wife and daughter, he should STOP. IMO, subjecting other people to your own vascillating emotions and guilt isn't admirable, it's childish. No, he can't help what he feels, but he can act more consistently. That is maturity. If you're going to do it, do it. If you're not, drop it.
Just my .02. Not that you asked specifically, but since you frequently post about your OM's mixed emotions, you seem to be looking for a response.
Lucky
BTW, before our affair, I thought this guy was the hottest guy I'd ever seen, and he was undoubtedly the worst lover I ever had. If he's immature and selfish out of bed, it's possible he is not going to be any better in it. If he's self-centered when things are going well, what is it going to be like when the you-know-what hits the fan?
Sex can be fun - lots of fun. My OM and I have tons of fun, but it's not because of technique or lots of experience. What quality of experience is it when you have a bunch of one-night stands with people you don't care about? My OM is an awesome lover, but it's because he gives in completely to the moment and to experiencing all of it *together*. It's not about proving what a stud he is. He's selfless, not in the sense of someone who doesn't think he's worth anything, but in the sense of giving completely of his time and energy to someone he cares about. We try all kinds of fun things because we're having fun together - it's not about power or making someone want me or making myself feel good at someone else's expense. (That's one reason why I couldn't care less about his sex life with his wife, though I suspect it's marvelous, in a different kind of way, and I hope it makes him happy.)
If you don't want him to play games, then you shouldn't either. If you don't want to appear googly-eyed, then don't show him the tops of your stockings. Don't say one thing and mean another. Treat yourself with the straight-up respect you deserve, and treat him with the same respect. I see nothing wrong with saying, "I'd like to pursue something with you, and it seems like you want to pursue something with me, but I also get the feeling that you're not 100% with that program 100% of the time. I don't want to cause you a lot of upheaval, so if you get to the point where you feel really comfortable with the idea, then I'd like to talk about it then. In the meantime, let's just be colleagues and leave it at that." And yes, I really *do* talk like that, LOL.
Then along came MM. For the first time, I had a voice to the thoughts men were thinking about me. After a brief period of luring me in with talk that he couldn't stop thinking about me, he started with the sex talk. Telling me what he wanted to do to me. I don't know how he managed to do it, but he worded it in a way that didn't repulse me. Soon I found myself saying and doing things I'd never done before. He made me open up to him, and soon I was opening up to H. Our sex life improved dramatically. For the first time I felt sexy and SEXUAL and I wasn't ashamed to be that way. But lately, it's all been feeling kind of dirty. He was talking last week about some things he wanted to do to me, and it just did nothing but make me lose respect for him. It did occur to me as we were talking that this just isn't right. That it was taking away from my dignity. That's, I guess, why there hasn't been much guilt with this EMA, because it really hasn't been the slightest bit emotional for a while. It's been mostly about sex...sex we aren't even HAVING.
I know I've dumped a lot of this on this board and I'm sorry about that. I'm really crying for help, if you can't tell. If I were in love with this guy -- REALLY in love -- it might be worth it, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I think I'm in love with the idea that he is in love/lust/whatever with me. When he starts pulling away, I start losing interest, and that's not love. My H is the real hero and I'm really trying with all my might to continuously remind myself of that. This guy is, to put it kindly, a high school kid in grown-up clothing. There's no future for us, there isn't even a PRESENT for us. I just, again, have no idea what he wants from me. If it were sex, he wouldn't be pulling back every time we get a little more intense. Is he playing with my mind? What's he doing?
You are on the right track when you say that you are probably in love with the IDEA that he's in love/lust/whatever with you. Why wouldn't you be, after making a dramatic effort to lose weight and achieving something amazing like a 70-lb loss?! As for what he gets out of it - didn't you say he also had lost a lot of weight? Don't you think men enjoy the same ego stroke we do? I don't think he's calculatedly playing with your mind, but he's enjoying the feeling that you find him attractive enough to want to seduce.
My OM, BTW, would tell me (via email) what delicious things he wanted to do to *me* - and then he did them. He never made me feel dirty - he made me feel like the sexiest, most desirable, most lovable woman in the world, and he still does.
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