What do you think about this......

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
What do you think about this......
24
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 10:37am
Okay so I was with HIM the other night and we were having sex and then his GF called in the middle of it. But actually when she called, he was not IN me. But when she was talking to him for the short time this call went on, he was just kind of like uh huh, etc. cuz we were kind of ya know, busy? All of a sudden then, he whispered to me, to put it in. I'm like what? Um okay so I went about it and there we were ya know, doing it. Well she was going on talking about her class she was coming out of and she asked him what he was up to/doing etc. and he's said, "oh i'm hanging out w/ Tammy. We're going to go here and there or whatever" he said." It was like once SHE heard MY name she goes, "Oh (like a greaaat kind of thing)." And I could hear this whole conversation. I'm thinking to myself at the time, OMG this is crazy lol.

So at the end of the night, i said to him that he was bad for doing that (being saracstic) and he's like well we were inthe position, might as well have fun w/it right?

I'm like uhh yea.

So question is.......has anyone been in that situation in your A or do you have any comments? I think it's crazy. It may offend some of you , and i apologize in advance.

Thx

Tammy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:25am
If MM had jumped into this without ever feeling a shred of guilt, I wouldn't have had much respect for him. As it is, he's struggling every step of the way. His strength isn't in resisting me in general, just in resisting kissing me or touching me or doing any of the things he wants to do. So we talk, we flirt, we see each other a couple of times a day... Some days he can't seem to get enough of me, and some it seems like he's terrified to even be in the room with me. This EMA is only five months old, and he initiated all of it. If I can't have him, I don't want another EMA, to be honest with you. I don't really even want this one. I have a great husband; it's just that I'm having feelings for him and I have a hard time resisting him. I don't know if I want him NOT to be strong. If he's not strong, then we're kissing and maybe more and I'm not sure I am ready to cross that line. We're also at work, where we could be walked in on at any time. I don't know if I'm communicating this right -- maybe I'm in denial. I've thought several times about cutting ties with him, but right now all we are is friends with a little flirting... It's just hard. Thursday we had an entire day of steamy conversations, then Friday, it was back to just being friends. It's hard for me to make that shift. It's not that he's treating me badly -- it's that he has a daughter and a wonderful wife and he feels absolutely horrible that he's even thinking about another woman that way, but he can't help how he feels...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:34am
I don't get this business of thinking that you can only respect him if he blows hot & cold.

I respect my OM *because* he's never done that. No, he doesn't feel guilty and for the most part I don't either, though I'm sure we should. If your OM is struggling so darn much and feels so badly about his wonderful wife and daughter, he should STOP. IMO, subjecting other people to your own vascillating emotions and guilt isn't admirable, it's childish. No, he can't help what he feels, but he can act more consistently. That is maturity. If you're going to do it, do it. If you're not, drop it.

Just my .02. Not that you asked specifically, but since you frequently post about your OM's mixed emotions, you seem to be looking for a response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 11:59am
No. OM lives with his g/f. I'm still (for 6 more days, then I'm not!!) living at home with H. If she calls while at work, I give them the privacy they deserve. Same when H calls me. I walk out if I'm in his office, he walks out if he's in mine when the phone call comes in. And no. I notice absolutely no difference in the way he treats me after the calls or after his days with her. And I don't believe I treat him any differently, either. But then, too, we'll watch the phone lines and give each other a few minutes after noticing them hanging up before coming back to the other so as to give each other a chance to switch tracks again.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 12:11pm
I'm looking for a response, but I'm also looking to hear that other OMs/MMs are doing similar types of things. I have gotten that verification over the time I've been posting here. Not from everyone, but from others whose MM/OM are similarly up-and-down. No, I agree his behavior is unfair to me but I don't know what to do about it. I have strong feelings for the guy that I can't just shut off because he's not the best guy in the world. Believe me, I'm trying. In fact, I'm probably going to see him in about five minutes and I'm going to give it my best shot to think of him as just a friend. I always do, but he can weaken me with just one look. Some men -- MM being one of them -- have trouble falling in love. They fight it every step of the way. H was the same way, back when we were dating. He'd push things along quickly, then get scared and back off. I've yet to be romantically involved with a man who DIDN'T do that, but if I were, I'd probably be the one putting the breaks on things. It's a scary proposition and I don't think either of us are entering into it lightly. (Not to say you ARE, just that this is our particular way of dealing with it...) He feels terrible for the way he treats me and has offered to put me out of my misery several times by just stopping things. I resisted. I've tried the "let's just build our friendship" thing and it works some, but always in the back of my mind I just lust after the guy. And yes, if you asked anyone who knows him, guaranteed "immature" would probably be one of their words to describe him. He's one of those guys your momma warned you about. He watches far too much sports, loves to hang out at Hooter's with his friends (for the "hot wings," yeah right!), and the world revolves around him and his needs. He'd be a nightmare to be married to, but gosh if I don't want to throw him down and have my way with him. What am I supposed to do about that?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 1:54pm
My solution when my ex-MM from my 20s kept popping up was to only see him in broad daylight, in well-lit places where there would be zero hint of romance in the air - like a diner right around the corner from where he worked, where he'd be seen with me in front of his colleagues and would behave. All I had to do was remember, in the cold light of day (and diner lights) what a selfish bastard he was when the affair ended, and it was like taking a cold shower.

BTW, before our affair, I thought this guy was the hottest guy I'd ever seen, and he was undoubtedly the worst lover I ever had. If he's immature and selfish out of bed, it's possible he is not going to be any better in it. If he's self-centered when things are going well, what is it going to be like when the you-know-what hits the fan?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:23pm
YES!!! SHOULDI!!! You hit the nail on the head....thanks for saying it so well!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 2:26pm
Your message got through to me, whether I showed it at the time or not. Went up to see MM for my regular morning visit and he was being friendly but not really flirtatious. I started getting more and more irritated, thinking about what you wrote. Thinking that I do deserve more respect than this. He asked at one point what was wrong and asked if I thought he was being weird today. I just shrugged the question off, and continued being friendly but distant. (In other words, I refused to look at him all googly-eyed.) I could tell it was bothering him and at one point he said he was feeling "strong" today. I said, "Yep, me too." He said, "No, you're not," and I said, "Oh, yes, believe me I am." That REALLY bothered him. Seems it's OK for him to feel strong, but when I'm feeling strong, he doesn't like it. He asked if I'm feeling so strong, why I continue to be all seductive (at one point I showed him a glimpse of the top of my thigh-high stocking) and I said, "Because it's FUN." You know, though, sad though it seems, it's kind of true. I am feeling strong today, so why AM I being seductive? I've been putting my own feelings aside and pretending I'm all into him, even when he's distant. Why can't I just show my true feelings? It's because I like having him in the palm of my hand, even when I'm strong, because I like the attention. But then he gets the impression that I'm 100% there for him, whatever his mood. What should I do now? I have no idea. I'm not going to fall like a puddle at his feet every time he's going through one of his "strong" moments, but it has come to my attention that that's exactly what I do. I feel like maybe if he sees that I can be strong enough to resist him too he'll stop playing these stupid games. As for the other...it would be VERY interesting if he ended up being bad in bed, since he drew me into this in the first place with this idea that he's an older, more experienced lover. He's been with a dozen or so women over the course of his life (of course, all that but 2 would have been when he was a teenager!) and he's selling himself as this guy who's really good, but now that I think about it, why would 10 sexual partners in one's youth make one any more experienced than someone who had only had 1 or 2 as an adult? I'm trying desperately to talk myself out of him, if you can't tell!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 3:01pm
I *can* tell - that's why I keep responding to you. There's still hope that you'll make the right choice and stop this now, while you still have self-respect and a happy husband.

Sex can be fun - lots of fun. My OM and I have tons of fun, but it's not because of technique or lots of experience. What quality of experience is it when you have a bunch of one-night stands with people you don't care about? My OM is an awesome lover, but it's because he gives in completely to the moment and to experiencing all of it *together*. It's not about proving what a stud he is. He's selfless, not in the sense of someone who doesn't think he's worth anything, but in the sense of giving completely of his time and energy to someone he cares about. We try all kinds of fun things because we're having fun together - it's not about power or making someone want me or making myself feel good at someone else's expense. (That's one reason why I couldn't care less about his sex life with his wife, though I suspect it's marvelous, in a different kind of way, and I hope it makes him happy.)

If you don't want him to play games, then you shouldn't either. If you don't want to appear googly-eyed, then don't show him the tops of your stockings. Don't say one thing and mean another. Treat yourself with the straight-up respect you deserve, and treat him with the same respect. I see nothing wrong with saying, "I'd like to pursue something with you, and it seems like you want to pursue something with me, but I also get the feeling that you're not 100% with that program 100% of the time. I don't want to cause you a lot of upheaval, so if you get to the point where you feel really comfortable with the idea, then I'd like to talk about it then. In the meantime, let's just be colleagues and leave it at that." And yes, I really *do* talk like that, LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 3:34pm
Again, you're right. Respect is definitely something missing from our R, which I guess explains why my best friend (who I made the mistake of mentioning this to early on) thinks I'm going down the wrong road by doing this with this guy. I lost a whole lot of weight a couple of years ago and for the first time in my life, I was being seen as sexy by the opposite sex. I'd always been very inhibited, mostly because I was insecure about my body.

Then along came MM. For the first time, I had a voice to the thoughts men were thinking about me. After a brief period of luring me in with talk that he couldn't stop thinking about me, he started with the sex talk. Telling me what he wanted to do to me. I don't know how he managed to do it, but he worded it in a way that didn't repulse me. Soon I found myself saying and doing things I'd never done before. He made me open up to him, and soon I was opening up to H. Our sex life improved dramatically. For the first time I felt sexy and SEXUAL and I wasn't ashamed to be that way. But lately, it's all been feeling kind of dirty. He was talking last week about some things he wanted to do to me, and it just did nothing but make me lose respect for him. It did occur to me as we were talking that this just isn't right. That it was taking away from my dignity. That's, I guess, why there hasn't been much guilt with this EMA, because it really hasn't been the slightest bit emotional for a while. It's been mostly about sex...sex we aren't even HAVING.

I know I've dumped a lot of this on this board and I'm sorry about that. I'm really crying for help, if you can't tell. If I were in love with this guy -- REALLY in love -- it might be worth it, but I don't think I'm in love with him. I think I'm in love with the idea that he is in love/lust/whatever with me. When he starts pulling away, I start losing interest, and that's not love. My H is the real hero and I'm really trying with all my might to continuously remind myself of that. This guy is, to put it kindly, a high school kid in grown-up clothing. There's no future for us, there isn't even a PRESENT for us. I just, again, have no idea what he wants from me. If it were sex, he wouldn't be pulling back every time we get a little more intense. Is he playing with my mind? What's he doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Mon, 09-22-2003 - 3:51pm
This is the *perfect* place to dump this! The reason boards like this are around are because we have no one to talk about these things to IRL. I told my best friend and while she hasn't stopped loving me and has never said anything bad about my OM or me, I know she doesn't approve. This is where we get it all out under nicknames like "lilah" and "shouldi."

You are on the right track when you say that you are probably in love with the IDEA that he's in love/lust/whatever with you. Why wouldn't you be, after making a dramatic effort to lose weight and achieving something amazing like a 70-lb loss?! As for what he gets out of it - didn't you say he also had lost a lot of weight? Don't you think men enjoy the same ego stroke we do? I don't think he's calculatedly playing with your mind, but he's enjoying the feeling that you find him attractive enough to want to seduce.

My OM, BTW, would tell me (via email) what delicious things he wanted to do to *me* - and then he did them. He never made me feel dirty - he made me feel like the sexiest, most desirable, most lovable woman in the world, and he still does.