What do YOU think this board needs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
What do YOU think this board needs?
31
Fri, 04-03-2009 - 6:56pm

Part of the reason I wanted to return as cl of this board is because I started worrying that this place that meant so much to me was in danger of slipping away. I am not the only one. Some of my closest friends (the ones I made here, BTW) had the same feelings.

It is pretty obvious that there a lot of you out there still lurking, just given what I have seen in the last two days. Lots of posters turned lurkers popping up to say, "yep, still here!" I am sure you all remember what this place meant for you and how much help and comfort you got from being here. I don't want to have a discussion about what support means, we have done that. I want to know why some very knowledgeable people no longer want to give their support or share their experiences. I know, from being a cl before, it does get hard to see the same train wreck over and over again, but then I remember: I was once the train wreck. All of us who post here were. (Sorry to so blatantly steal from you, Mrs. but you said that well).

So, regardless of what your brand of support is (for those curious, mine is straight to the point with a very low tolerance for b*ll s**t), I think we all have something to offer. Especially for that new person who comes in, scared, confused and needing the shoulder of people in the same situation as well as those of us who have already ridden the roller coaster a few times.

While there are a lot of lurkers out there who used to post regularly, I also know there are a lot of lurkers who have, for one reason or another, not felt comfortable posting their own stories. I hope that someday you will feel comfortable enough to post (I still remember how nervous I was when I hit "post message" for the first time).

So, help me out. Give me suggestions for breathing some life back into an old friend. Differing opinions and all. After all, the differences in us all have always been what made this place so great.

~Shadowz
~Shadowz
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 5:47am




BTW, Hey Lazy, saw you pop up out there....what's up with you these


days?










iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 12:00pm

LOL my problem is i could come up with 20 different folders - and then never read anything but Talk.

sometimes i wonder if we need a Tough Love folder v. Cry/Laugh with Me. won't work but i like neat boxes. maybe one that just says Don't Smack Me Yet.

and Humor Me used to be for that: silly posts. now i'm not sure what purpose it serves. same for Vent - the same things end up in Talk and that's OK. hard for a newbie to know where to start with those. i even thought of New to This v. Long Term.

am i up to 10 folders yet?
Mrs.




Edited 4/4/2009 12:01 pm ET by mrs.smithandjones
Community Leader
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 12:25pm

Even though this place is no longer home for me, I'm overjoyed at your return.

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2009
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 8:19pm

Without reading any responses yet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Sat, 04-04-2009 - 10:10pm

I'm fairly new and didn't really feel that I got what I thought I would from posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 12:48pm

What this board needs is a clear idea of what we're supposed to get here, and what we're supposed to give.

For one, I'm a little confused.

I don't think I've ever been brutal or unkind. But, I think I sometimes see through things and can offer some advice that may or may not be "heard".

If someone is obviously hurting, the first thing I'd like to give (or get) is comfort. After that, I do give advice for what I see written in the post.

I've always been one who enjoys looking inside and trying to figure out my own motivations, goals, etc. I don't mind hearing a different perspective (and everyone here IS or WAS in the same boat and with the same quandaries as many of the newbies, but we can still have different perspectives).

What stops me from posting is the feeling that everyone here wants a shoulder to cry on and a pat on the head, and nothing more. If that's what this board is about to become, then I want no more part of it.

Someone here previously posted that affairs happen to GOOD people, and that's absolutely true! I have posted, and seen posted, topics that explore the fact that we are all friends to someone, sisters, mothers, daughters, co-workers, volunteers, etc. We are often very moral, kind people who are in affairs for a huge variety of reasons. I, for one, have NEVER seen a post that told or implied that the poster was a "bad person". Most of the unwanted advice is truly meant to help the poster.

If someone single is posting that her A/P is not giving her any time lately, that he stands her up on occasion, that he'll go days without even a text, and that she's very unhappy and lonely, what sort of advice can I give her?

a.) I know exactly how you feel (I do. My second A/P was very much like this). When you're lonely, just come here or e-mail me, we'll get you through it! I'm sure your A/P loves you, it's just hard for a MM to give the time they want to give!

(Is this what the poster wants to hear? Most likely)

Or b.) I know exactly how you feel. It's a horrible place to be in. Think about what he gives you, and what it might mean. Think about what YOU want and need. Is there any talk about a future together? What do you want for yourself in 5 years? Do you think you will get what you want with your A/P?

Most likely my post would be "b". Is this acceptable for the "tone" of the board right now?

I go through phases of coming here to lurk only, coming here to post, and not coming here at all. If I feel that my sort of posts are disliked or resented, of course I'll just disappear, one way or another, until I see a change. Others might be holding off for a different sort of change! The thing is, the question "What do YOU think this board needs" is one that will be answered differently by each of us.

And this statement:

"I want to know why some very knowledgeable people no longer want to give their support or share their experiences."

Some of them might be feeling the same way I do.




Edited 4/5/2009 12:55 pm ET by lexione
Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 2:32pm

I'm so happy to see you back intheshadowz and all the other posters from years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2009
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 3:01pm

Jen36jen-


Very well said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2005
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 3:30pm

someone was me. and i could amend that to say "Good people sometimes make the decision to enter into an affair" - since it doesn't just show up like the hiccups.

but i *have* seen posts that told or implied the poster was not only bad but stupid or something else that is ultimately derogatory. no matter what the intention, some responses are given in a harsh tone. and this is a place without context: i don't know the context of your entire situation and i don't know the context of a poster's response. verbal communication is limited and most people aren't good at it - then you add the written aspect and what we convey is reduced even further.

my point is: if you say you didn't mean to hit me but you did hit me, did you hit me? does it matter that you didn't mean it if ultimately it means that poster never returns?

my main concern has always been that this be a place that is welcoming to those who are confused and hurt and alone. if a new poster gets a dose of Tough Love - whether the response was meant to hit or not - they won't post again. maybe i'm scarred by witnessing a very hurtful and scary series of replies to a long time poster who found out she was pregnant - and when she needed MAS the most, she disappeared. she didn't want a pat on a head. she wanted a place to cry. and "you should have known better" with a few "I oughta call your DH" drove her away.

kindness cannot be legislated, here or anywhere. what we can do is adhere to the guidelines - and perhaps raise the chance of being open instead of condemning.

and that's commendable - that's what i would want as a newbie. but if the advice doesn't fit, does that make the poster in whiner/complainer/idiot? or does that mean you didn't have all the facts? or maybe your advice was off? why is it wrong for them to need nothing more than your shoulder? it's a support board, not a "fix me" board - or even an "advice" board.

yes advice is good but not always mandatory. both your examples are great. and if the poster obviously doesn't want (b) - isn't capable of the introspection that you crave - skip her posts next time. her lack of introspection does not mean she should be banned or heaped with coals because some of us are frustrated.

"I want to know why some very knowledgeable people no longer want to give their support or share their experiences."

Some of them might be feeling the same way *I* do. but ultimately, if i have to choose, i think the tone of the board needs to suit the newbies. as a non-newbie, i can handle the hardline - i know it's available and maybe i asked for it; i don't need as much support or advice as i once did. but newbies don't have that luxury. we know when a long-timer poster disappears, but we don't know how many legitimate newbies don't return or how many qualified lurkers never post.

sometimes posters forget what it was like to be new to the A and to MAS.
Mrs.

edit to add: this wasn't aimed at you alone, Lexi. your post just opened the door to thought. i'm introspective just like you.




Edited 4/5/2009 5:12 pm ET by mrs.smithandjones
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2007
Sun, 04-05-2009 - 6:46pm

"if the poster obviously doesn't want (b) - isn't capable of the introspection that you crave - skip her posts next time. her lack of introspection does not mean she should be banned or heaped with coals because some of us are frustrated."

Did anyone say or imply that if she doesn't want "b" and isn't capable of introspection at this point that she should be banned or heaped with coals? I don't think anyone has said or implied that - not me anyway. Of course I probably would no longer reply to that person's posts if it seemed she resented it or just wasn't in a place to respond to it yet.

What *I* don't want is to post something like "b" and have a bunch of angry people telling me I'm not being "supportive" or I'm not following the "terms of service" or copying and pasting the TOS to "put me in my place". I don't want them saying that the OP didn't ASK for any of the questions I've given, she just wanted to vent and she should be allowed that in this "safe place" without having people question her.

In other words, if I'm "walking on eggshells" and can't post something like "b" without being criticized, I want to know so I can delete ivillage from my bookmarks. (Since this is the only place I post at all here...)

Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.

Proud to be a



You've got a lot of choices. I