What do you, wise women out there, think

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
What do you, wise women out there, think
31
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 11:46am
Edited


Edited 4/26/2004 2:16 pm ET ET by boston53

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:17pm
hi boston...you know its kind of eeiry that i have a girlfriend who's involved with a divorced dad from boston and they just spent friday together...anyway i'll relate what i know, things she has confided in ME of why she stays with her husband and doesn't run off with her OM...the truth is her OM is simply a divresion to her, she's bored and enjoys his attention (phone calls/emails) and she gets an ego boost from his endearing talk of "loving her more than his own life" (ugh! not a great idea in my opinion, to love another human being more than your OWN life!?)...anyway...this OM has virtually "thrown his entire life at her feet" and guess what boston?...quite often thats NOT what a woman wants...many women i know are aroused by a confident man who is willing to love us deeply but not a man who comes across as being almost wimpy in feeling he loves us more than his own life and such dramatic statements as that....i want to feel secure my man loves and is devoted to me, but i don't want a man who will let me walk all over him either.

what i'm saying is its quite possible this woman enjoys flirting and playing "in love" with you, but she very well may be content at home and not want to divorce...a main reason why my girlfriend does not even consider leaving for her OM is, quite frankly, she's not as physically attracted to him as she'd like to be and other such shallow stuff...another thing that turns her off to her OM is his feeding into her vents about her homelife...the fact is when people are venting we usually focus only on the negative and even can exagerrate our misery to make a point....in reality my girlfriend is not as miserable at home as she leads her OM to believe...and sometimes a woman can cry without it meaning anything all that deep boston, so please don't take her tears as a sign that she's distraught without you.

in conclusion, i don't know of any situation where its a good idea for one person to leave a marriage already engaged to marry the next person.

if i were you i'd take a good look around to see if there are any single, emotionally and physically women available and move on....the girlfriend i am talking about who's cheating on her current husband?...she met him while married the first time and left for him...she's a very dependant woman who doesn't want a job and the only way she survives is on the backs of men...its almost a game to her, she gets bored with a man and than intices a new guy to take care of her til she's bored with him...i think you'd be better off putting your energy into meeting a nice woman to fall in love with on a healthy level.

best to you boston...honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:35pm
Ouch, honeynvinegar2003. I hope that is not true. Boston53 sounds like a wonderfully sweet man, and I have found his stories touching. I would feel just awful if someone was using him in this manner.

Boston53, certainly think about this possibility, but you and I both know that if you want to experience love you have to risk getting hurt.

I also see no reason why you can't be open to meeting single women with whom you can build a life. MW has a relationship away from you, so go ahead and cultivate your relationships outside of her. I do agree with honey in that you should not make this woman your whole world and identity. There are life coaches and counselors you can engage to help you with your feelings of loneliness and invest in *yourself*!

You seriously do sound like you have a lot going for you, and I wish you all the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:38pm
Boston,

Here is my two cents for its worth. I think you have to let OW be - she is having these inner battles that are bothering her a lot. Look at it from her perspective - she chased you when you were not ready and probably buried all her hopes after she got married. Now, you are the one who is at her position from before and she is transfixed. All that she is going through is entirely new to her and she has to go throught all these stages of emotions till she get to a point where you want her to be - with you. She knows what is good for her and for you and that the path to that place is not going to be easy. She has these mental battles that have to be fought, daemons that have to be killed before she makes decisions. Believe me, I have been there and done that. Its never easy for a woman to let go of a relationship that she choose to be in whether it was forced on her due to circumstances in your OW's case or not. You have be a woman to understand that and I know all women who are reading this post will agree with me. She is past that "honeymoon" stage of your A and the reality of it all is settling in right now. I remember you have been with her for couple of months, right? Give her some more time to deicide and she will get there in time if she is the person who is truthful to herself. There is nothing more you can do if you think you have given her all reason to believe that you are in it for the long haul. You must understand its not all that easy for her either, she must be suffering as much you are if not more. I too feel that I don't understand my MM at all, since I almost left my marriage for him and he cannot even pick up that phone to call me to tell that he needs me like I do him. Its definitely not easy to be in your OW's position. Its just takes time and until then you won't be rid of us on this board! :) Take care....

LF

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 12:51pm
Honey, I don't think you can apply your friends's example to Boston's OW. Have you read Boston's posts from before - this was a woman whom he repeatedly sent away in tears before she tried to got him to open up. If somebody was "bored" with their situation at home, would they be hurling themselves at a man who was going to be hurting them time after time? People who are "bored" don't throw away their ego, time and effort to get hurt just because they loved the man no matter what, honey. Please don't generalize, there are shades to every situation and circumstance. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 12-02-2003 - 2:45pm
Boston

Why don’t people leave an unhappy and loveless marriage when there are no children involved? I don’t know. Probably a little of all the things you mentioned combined. I will also say that although this woman loves you, please remember that you two have only been in this relationship for a very short time. I know it’s difficult to think clearly when the emotions are flying around so intensely, but try to think how foolish it would be for her (or anyone) to consider leaving her husband for you after so short a period of time together. You were married before; you know that marriage is a serious commitment (no matter how unhappy you may be). In other words, this is not something you can ‘fix ‘or change quickly. I know you want her NOW, but try to slow down a bit and take a little breather! It doesn’t sound like she is going anywhere.



I’m sure it must be very difficult for you in that you live alone, but please try to relax. These are not things you two have to decide right now (nor should she be pressured to make such a decision right now). Give it time. Please know from a woman’s point of view -- I’m sure she is thinking of you CONSTANTLY!!! Maybe knowing that will help you a little (especially with Christmas looming).

I know of your past situation with her, so I can understand why you might be afraid to hold back with telling her ALL of your feelings regarding this A, but just hold off for a little longer for now. If she knows you love her and would want to be with her, I think you've said enough for now.


Hang in there.

Charlotte




Edited 12/2/2003 2:50:34 PM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 12:53pm
Edited


Edited 4/26/2004 2:16 pm ET ET by boston53
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 1:12pm
wait a sec, boston, are you saying that because you "love" someone, they become your entire world and your entire focus in life?? if you are, then you definitely need some objective intervention (i'm a little afraid to say "counseling").

NO ONE and i mean NO ONE (adult) should ever be the entire focus/center of another person's life! that's just way too scary and does lead to some over-the-top behaviors, like stalking, depression and/or suicide, if the object of all that attention doesn't reciprocate in kind.

i know you are truly in love with your MW, but if she doesn't choose to leave her H and M, no matter how "unhappy", you must face reality that she WANTS TO STAY. maybe she doesn't love you enough to risk everything. and she shouldn't leave her M for you, but only for herself, because SHE'S unhappy and NOT fulfilled by her H and M. if your MW leaves the current relationship and jumps right into living with you, YOU might be very happy and over-the-moon but she's going to eventually feel like she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire because there was no downtime for just her to figure out what she wants from life and the men in her life. take it from one whos BTDT!!

and counseling is a good thing, if you could ever bring yourself to just do it. the therapist helps you objectively focus on yourself and deal with issues that hold you back in life. a couple of 45-minute chats with an objective third part can give you much insight into those deep, dark places we all have in our heads.

i've read most of your posts and i'd say you are depressed and isolating yourself in life and that IS NOT GOOD, in the short run and long run. and it's not attractive either. if you're depressed and negative, your MW is not going to come arunning to you. we women get depressed enough without turning our lives upside down and ending up with a depressive person too!

please don't think that just because you don't get all the "right answers" to your posts that we are against you here. lots of us women have a ton of experience from the opposite perspective of your situation and are just trying to talk you down from the ledge! i'm sorry if some of those "answers" make you feel insecure, but if you ask for advice you better be ready for all of it.

hang in there and take care of yourself,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 1:32pm
gurl, I am not very worldy like you but real love does require selfless feeling that boston is talking about. You give all you have and hope its for the best. True love does not stalk or lead to suicide, if it does its obsession. It doesn't mean he has low self esteem or does not do things for himself. I am sure he goes to work, he has other interests and hobbies besides the time he has with his OW. JMHO
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 2:08pm
hey french, boston is a good man and has been very patient waiting for his MW, but she's not his primary relationship and it just seems to me that boston has wrapped his entire life around being with her. i can't specifically remember all boston's posts, but the last one i read was from thanksgiving and he described being at a friend's house with a large gathering of people, but of being alone, sitting in the chair with the wine bottle and barely answering the people wherever he was. i know the holidays are hard for a lot of people, but to be in the center of a large group and not participate is a sure sign of depression. and that's not good for anyone.

boston, i'm not trying to hurt your feelings or dismiss them either. i just want you to realize you're scaring your MW away with the intensity of your feelings and your demands for immediate follow-thru on her past "promises." just be careful you don't drive her away.

gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 3:29:50 PM ET by gurlfriend50
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-03-2003 - 2:29pm
Edited


Edited 4/26/2004 2:18 pm ET ET by boston53

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