what does it mean when...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-17-2003
what does it mean when...
7
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:34am
...your MM says he's perfectly happy with his marriage, yet still gets involved in an affair?

I ask because in 7 years, I've been involved in 2 affairs with MM, and both have said they are happy and content in their marriages. Personally, I don't get it. Doesn't something have to be lacking for them to stray??? Am I that naive? I, myself, am married, and have been for over 8 years, and I'm so NOT happy in it (but that's a whole other story), so I perfectly understand why I have gotten involved with other relationships.

Is this just a poor reflection on me, or is there something I just don't understand? And candid advice is certainly welcome! Positive or Negative!

Thansk,

Blushing

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 11:40am
hi blushing. here's the reason in a nutshell - it's the excitement and newness of another person who is attracted to you! the attention a MM gets from another woman makes him feel flattered and wanted in a way that his W and M doesn't anymore. MM can be completely content with his M and homelife, but it's very hard to resist the attention/attraction of another woman and vise versa, of course, for MW.

pretty simple, don't you think?

gurl

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:03pm
Gurl,

sorry but I totally disagree. If a man is happy, *no* woman, no amount of "excitement" no amount of flirting or making him feel warm and fuzzy about himself will make him stray. He would *enjoy* that, he would flirt back, he'd think about the possibilities but actually have an A for the "excitment"? I DON'T BUY IT. Sorry. There is *something* wrong in his marriage if he is having sex with other women, whether it's a big problem, a small problem, a "revenge" thing (wife did something big he didn't approve of) or something he doens't realize, it's THERE. I am not even implying it's a huge problem. I don't believe it for a minute. I think the "she paid attention to me" is a nice excuse for them to win the wife back after they are busted wihtout having to actually "fix" anything (god forbid).

Just MHO

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:29pm
I agree with Jen now, although I wouldn't have a few months ago. When my affair was only emotional I thought it was just for the excitement. I was bored and the e-mails, flirting, were harmless fun that couldn't hurt my H. I thought I had the perfect marriage. Then my affair turned sexual and I started doing so much more thinking about the whole thing. I have figured out that my marriage isn't so perfect like I thought. I am unhappy with my H because of choices he has made in our life that I am stuck in now. I didn't even realize this for 20 years. Now my H on the other hand has told me that he doesn't even have a desire to flirt with other women he is so happy with me. It wouldn't matter to him how exciting, he is completely happy with me and the whole idea completely turns him off. His friend is having an e-mail affair and my H is disgusted with him. And you know, 25+ years ago when my H and I first started dating, he was always the one more "in love", he pursued me, and I have always wanted my space. I guess it's all catching up to me now. C
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:47pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 12:50pm
hi, all! blushing: i actually think and agree with your reason on the lacking part of any relatioship/marriage. yes, something definitely is lacking in order for anyone to go astray. i also agree with gurl that an A happens because of the excitment and new-ness of the other person. and, i agree with jenn, too; if anyone is "happy" in their relationship/marriage then an A would not be likely to happen. it happens to most of us. we are tempted (some of us) at one point or another for whatever reason and it's because there is something missing, lacking in our relationship/marriage and that is why an introduction of someone new in the picture is exciting. i think the key here is happiness: are you really and truly happy or not? it's a question we all need to ask our ownself and answer honestly. i, myself am not happy in my marriage and that's why i'm having an A (been for over a year now). i hope you find your answers - good luck (to all of us really)!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:22pm
I know why I am involved in my A. My H and I have grown apart and I think that is exactly what happened to my MM. Both my H and I and my MM and his W are not on the same educational level or share the same interests. We both agreed it did not bother us in the beginning of our realtionships with our spouses, but for whatever reason, bothers us now.

I have also been attracted to many men over the years, but never even considered an A. This MM and I have a mutual attraction to each other and share the same interests. He is easy to talk to, romantic and geniune. He is intellectually stimulating. He is also 13 years older than me and I am sure on some level, I make him feel young again. I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.

Our realtionship, like I am sure many of the realtionships here, is not sordid. We don't want to hurt anyone, but we feel lost without one another. (even on a part time basis). I am trying hard to be realistic. I don't want marriage from this man or for him to leave his wife and kids. Although it is sad, I feel like we were cheated in a way, that we have the right love, but it's at the wrong time. What I am looking for is someone who is affectionate with me, loves me, and who I can discuss my similiar interests with like music, movies and art. I would love to vacation with this man, although I think that is impossible, but we both have an adventerous side to us, parasailing, snorkeling, swimming with the dolphins, etc., that our spouses don't share. I think that is why we both started our affair.

I can love my husband and stay with him, but I know I am not in love with my husband and I basically stay with him because I just don't want to be alone. And he is a good man.

Just my 2 cents.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-29-2003 - 1:29pm
The reasons can vary from person to person.

It depends on the kind of person you are talking about.

Some people are just dishonest. They do not have a conscience about lying to someone or being dishonorable. So, even in this aspect of their lives they continue with the pattern of deceit and self-serving behavior.

Then, you have your weak people. They give in to temptations and may even feel bad but are not real good at resisting.

Then, there's the confused person. They may have something lacking in their primary relationship so they search it out in another. Maybe to eventually leave their marriage or not, they just don't know how to fix what is wrong.

I do not believe that something has to be lacking in one's marriage. It happens but it is not the rule. Short of abuse, there really is no excuse for cheating. We just tend to make them up instead of dealing with the problems head on.