What does your Single OP get out of this
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What does your Single OP get out of this
| Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:35pm |
For those of you involved with a single person with no attatchments, as I am, do you ever wonder what they are getting out of the relationship? The man I am involved with is all the things that I think women would find attractive, yet he has chosen to potentially "waste" 3 years of his life with me. I can't figure it out. Granted we are working on making this a permanent relationship now, but it hasn't always been that way.
What do you think?

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The only difference was my OM used to say that he knew eventually he would get hurt...but he loved me enough that he'd take me however I'd come to him...very sweet...I miss him sometimes...
What do I get from it? Well, he gives me as much love and attention as he would if he were single, first of all. No one on the outside looking in would know any differently (much like the other poster said). Secondly, it's a handy break. I'm not inclined to like clingy vines. (I went out with an old friend a few times this past winter who assumed a level of closeness and intimacy that wasn't there, at least on my part, and it was very annoying.) For all that I see SO 5 days a week and talk to him 7, email him 4 or 5 days, etc, he gives me much needed alone time, simply because he has a g/f to answer to.
And yeah, he's safe. I went into this arrangement - both at the beginning and again later when I left my h - believing I should not assume anything permanent out of this, so that decision has already been made. I don't have to angst over it and I don't have to decide, 'Take it to the next level or call it quits'. Currently, I have no reason to assume that he wants to ditch the g/f and shack up with me. I would love that and if the opportunity presented itself, I'd jump on it like a duck on a junebug. But it's not forthcoming, that's an assumption I've made since the beginning, so I don't have to face that, 'gee, we've been together a year now and he still hasn't offered anything more. Is it time to break up?' question that singles seem to find themselves asking. We can just rest in the peace and comfort of each other.
I'd be much more inclined to ask the question, "What does the MM get out of this?". From what I can tell, his girlfriend is a kind, intelligent woman. He is with her, and he is a good man, so surely she's not a shrew or a harpy. I know from talks he and I had before we started seeing each other that the sex with her was good. He isn't using me just for sex...he wouldn't treat me as well as he does if he were. Beats the hell out of me why he keeps hanging in here with me. I'm just glad he does.
HTH
Lucky
There are many single women on this board that do the same with their married AP's. Many of them confese they have commitment problems that why they seek MM's all the time. So why is it different for a man from a woman? Your views on that??
Juliet
People do have a tendency to look at the single one and feel like they are wasting their time. How can I be wasting my time with someone wonderful who understands me and accepts me like no one else ever has? Also now I am learning about living alone, about life, getting to know myself a little bit. When I am ready to move on to my next step, whenever or whatever it is, I will know.
One thing this has taught me is that the future is completely unpredictable. My new mantra...expect the unexpected. It's the only thing you can count on, no matter what anyone says.
~Jen
Edited 5/14/2004 12:55 am ET ET by jennlynnk
Unfortunately that is what he is getting from being involved with a married woman. His parting words were "I still want you, I still need you and I still love you.... forever if you'll let me."
elf.
I am married, my OM is single. We got together shortly after his gf broke up with him. He wanted her back, so didn't want to pursue dating anyone else. It's been over a year now and he says they are best friends and he hasn't had sex with her for over a year. I think he still wants her back though. I asked him recently why he wastes his time with me. He said, "I am comfortable with you, I feel I can trust you to protect what we have, you are safe". I think I am easy, safe sex for him until he can get his gf back. Once he gets her or gives up on her and finds someone else single to date, I'm sure I will be history. For now I just take what I get and I try to keep it fun and playful. It's hard keeping the emotions out of it, but I need to because it will not last. He parties and travels frequently. He is in a very sexy city right now. He is gorgeous and heads turn when he enters a room. I would rather he was in a boring marriage and at home with the wife and kids. How do you handle issues like this? C
From there we shared a friendship. As we got further along, we realized how special we'd become to each other, and that the most important part of any relationship came so easily to us we were (and still are) stunned by it. We communicate in an almost completely spontaneous and open way. Even online we did. So in that time, she got the feeling that she wasn't completely alone any more, that even though I was far away, a phone call usually had me on the line and able to reassure her and help her figure out how to deal with whatever had arisen.
Eventually she came to see me and we started to figure out what to do. In the mean time, she got emotional availability from me, some financial support, sincere attention and interest and whatever else she needed. Once she moved here, she got more of all of those things, and could also finally get some physical affection from me.
Now she's been here 9 months. As I've moved out and my M is coming to a close, she will get everything I can give her. So far, things have only gotten better as they've become more "real" and we're dealing with some of the same issues any couple has to deal with.
I never wondered what my OW was getting out of this. I've always known because she's always told me. And she's always told me that no matter how we moved forward that she would at least have gotten out of this a sense that people really can communicate, share and love each other without all of the stupid games and emotional standoffs.
rain
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