What does your Single OP get out of this

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
What does your Single OP get out of this
15
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 4:35pm
For those of you involved with a single person with no attatchments, as I am, do you ever wonder what they are getting out of the relationship? The man I am involved with is all the things that I think women would find attractive, yet he has chosen to potentially "waste" 3 years of his life with me. I can't figure it out. Granted we are working on making this a permanent relationship now, but it hasn't always been that way.

What do you think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:34pm
Well, when I was in my R with OM, he was very single,and I was the married one. He always called me his GF because we were together a lot. Practically daily, and about once a month we had a "special" rendevous. I was what most GFs are: his emotional support, his lover, friend...

The only difference was my OM used to say that he knew eventually he would get hurt...but he loved me enough that he'd take me however I'd come to him...very sweet...I miss him sometimes...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 5:34pm
Well, I am the single person in my A and up until recently I received as much out of him as I would have from a normal single/single person relationship...we saw each other everyday...we would go out on the weekends...we talked several times a day on the phone...if an outsider were to look in, they wouldn't have been able to tell it was an A...but now it is a whole different story...his work schedule has changed and we do not see each other as much anymore...although we do still talk on the phone everyday. The problem with this now is that during our 8+ months together, I fell for him hard...am I in love with him? I really couldn't say but I do love him and he has become a part of my everyday life and I am not ready to let that go yet. Only time will tell if not seeing him as often will take its toll on me. I do not and have never stopped living my single person's life because of him...I still go out with my friends...I have even been out on a few dates in the 8 months we have been together. When the right man comes along, it will be time to end it with my MM and we both agreed on this right from the beginning...although he has asked me on several occasions if he thinks we can still continue even after I have settled down, LOL! It is very hard when you are emotionally involved with someone to just let them go. And I knew from day one that he was not going to leave his wife...so I knew what I was getting into...I just didn't think love was part of that equation...funny how things happen, huh?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 6:17pm
Well, I am the single person in our A, although I was married when we first started. Technically, I *am* still married for another 43 days, but I've been on my own for 7-1/2 months now. The first thing I will say is to agree with the woman who said her single OM was happy to take her as she was able to come to him, and that's been true of me and SO as well. We have said that from the start. He in no way encouraged the divorce, in fact, he tried to give me helpful hints on how to patch things up.

What do I get from it? Well, he gives me as much love and attention as he would if he were single, first of all. No one on the outside looking in would know any differently (much like the other poster said). Secondly, it's a handy break. I'm not inclined to like clingy vines. (I went out with an old friend a few times this past winter who assumed a level of closeness and intimacy that wasn't there, at least on my part, and it was very annoying.) For all that I see SO 5 days a week and talk to him 7, email him 4 or 5 days, etc, he gives me much needed alone time, simply because he has a g/f to answer to.

And yeah, he's safe. I went into this arrangement - both at the beginning and again later when I left my h - believing I should not assume anything permanent out of this, so that decision has already been made. I don't have to angst over it and I don't have to decide, 'Take it to the next level or call it quits'. Currently, I have no reason to assume that he wants to ditch the g/f and shack up with me. I would love that and if the opportunity presented itself, I'd jump on it like a duck on a junebug. But it's not forthcoming, that's an assumption I've made since the beginning, so I don't have to face that, 'gee, we've been together a year now and he still hasn't offered anything more. Is it time to break up?' question that singles seem to find themselves asking. We can just rest in the peace and comfort of each other.

I'd be much more inclined to ask the question, "What does the MM get out of this?". From what I can tell, his girlfriend is a kind, intelligent woman. He is with her, and he is a good man, so surely she's not a shrew or a harpy. I know from talks he and I had before we started seeing each other that the sex with her was good. He isn't using me just for sex...he wouldn't treat me as well as he does if he were. Beats the hell out of me why he keeps hanging in here with me. I'm just glad he does.

HTH

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 10:53pm
littleone,

There are many single women on this board that do the same with their married AP's. Many of them confese they have commitment problems that why they seek MM's all the time. So why is it different for a man from a woman? Your views on that??

Juliet

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:53am
I, as the single one, get time, attention, love, laughter, frienship, sex and intimancy, compassion, understanding, affection, gifts, support, loyalty. All the things that I would get with anyone else.

People do have a tendency to look at the single one and feel like they are wasting their time. How can I be wasting my time with someone wonderful who understands me and accepts me like no one else ever has? Also now I am learning about living alone, about life, getting to know myself a little bit. When I am ready to move on to my next step, whenever or whatever it is, I will know.

One thing this has taught me is that the future is completely unpredictable. My new mantra...expect the unexpected. It's the only thing you can count on, no matter what anyone says.

~Jen


Edited 5/14/2004 12:55 am ET ET by jennlynnk

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 7:33am
For all intents and purposes (since I am nearly divorced) I am the OW in my relationship.
cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
&#16
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:08am
Well based on the brief conversation I had this morning when my XOM surprised me by showing up here at my office at 6:30 this morning his words were "it feels like somebody has attached a pipe wrench to my heart and gave it a twist."

Unfortunately that is what he is getting from being involved with a married woman. His parting words were "I still want you, I still need you and I still love you.... forever if you'll let me."

elf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 8:36am
Littleone,

I am married, my OM is single. We got together shortly after his gf broke up with him. He wanted her back, so didn't want to pursue dating anyone else. It's been over a year now and he says they are best friends and he hasn't had sex with her for over a year. I think he still wants her back though. I asked him recently why he wastes his time with me. He said, "I am comfortable with you, I feel I can trust you to protect what we have, you are safe". I think I am easy, safe sex for him until he can get his gf back. Once he gets her or gives up on her and finds someone else single to date, I'm sure I will be history. For now I just take what I get and I try to keep it fun and playful. It's hard keeping the emotions out of it, but I need to because it will not last. He parties and travels frequently. He is in a very sexy city right now. He is gorgeous and heads turn when he enters a room. I would rather he was in a boring marriage and at home with the wife and kids. How do you handle issues like this? C
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:50am
I think my OW starting out getting something she wasn't getting from single men she was dating: conversation. We had common interests - lots of them - and met on a web site message board supporting one of those. We started chatting online and had the part of a date that (for us) is the hardest to have: someone who would both talk and listen.

From there we shared a friendship. As we got further along, we realized how special we'd become to each other, and that the most important part of any relationship came so easily to us we were (and still are) stunned by it. We communicate in an almost completely spontaneous and open way. Even online we did. So in that time, she got the feeling that she wasn't completely alone any more, that even though I was far away, a phone call usually had me on the line and able to reassure her and help her figure out how to deal with whatever had arisen.

Eventually she came to see me and we started to figure out what to do. In the mean time, she got emotional availability from me, some financial support, sincere attention and interest and whatever else she needed. Once she moved here, she got more of all of those things, and could also finally get some physical affection from me.

Now she's been here 9 months. As I've moved out and my M is coming to a close, she will get everything I can give her. So far, things have only gotten better as they've become more "real" and we're dealing with some of the same issues any couple has to deal with.

I never wondered what my OW was getting out of this. I've always known because she's always told me. And she's always told me that no matter how we moved forward that she would at least have gotten out of this a sense that people really can communicate, share and love each other without all of the stupid games and emotional standoffs.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:36am
I can see so many similarities between your man and myself it's almost scary. Loving her enough to take her however she'd come to me... that's what I thought in the beginning. Didn't take me long to realize how mistaken I was. Still, I will appreciate and accept anything she is capable of giving me.

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