what to expect

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
what to expect
10
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 2:47pm
When going into an affair I am sure few of us know what to expect. I know I sure don't and have learned to take it one day at a time. One thing that I cherish is the fact that OM and I are best friends and talk about everything and anything.

In the beginning he wanted to set up "ground rules" so to speak. Some of them are that although we know eachothers home phone numbers we never call unless asked to, which is an obvious one of course. Some others are:

That we contact each other at least every two days, whether its by phone or email to just let the other know we are ok. His worst fear is if something happens to me and the fact that he may not find out for at least a few days.

To always be open and honest with eachother and if we disagree to not walk away mad. This has only happened a few times luckily.

To let eachother know what we expect from one another. We started off as close friends, when we admitted to having feelings for one another we both stated that we had no intentions of splitting up our families. However he also believes that you never say never and that we have to have open communication.

This of course is just samples, what do you expect and do you and your OM set "ground rules"

Sweet

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 1:28pm
My MM and I didn't really ever "agree" to any ground rules. We were both M in the beginning and both said that we wouldn't leave our M's. That didn't stick, I left. Now he just told his W the other day that he doesn't love her anymore. He also plans on leaving soon. And since he blurted out the fact that he doesn't love her anymore, that day is going to happen very soon. He said things are very very uncomfortable now that he said that. So anyhow, no ground rules. I don't call his house unless he tells me to. Things like that. But that's just more of the fact that I want him to leave when and if he's ready, not because I got him into trouble calling or some other way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 1:51pm
Our 'ground rules', as it were, were both made at the beginning and have evolved over the course of the A. One thing said at the beginning was a statement of our expectations. He cared for me as a friend, but wanted to get sexual, too, and had absolutely no intention of breaking up my marriage. In fact, he has counselled me often on how I might make it better and made a case for patience and sticking with it to work it out. I had no intention of breaking up his R with his girlfriend and all I wanted out of it was fun and sex. I was extremely fond of him and have always trusted him more than most people. Another one set out pretty much from the start was that we will conduct ourselves with respect for my h's feelings. In other words, we won't use my house, because that shows a level of disrespect that's over and above that which is already shown by having an A and we don't carry on together publicly so that H isn't made the laughing stock of my office. We also ask for honesty with each other.

We've been together over 4 months, now, and some other guidelines we live by are: no phone calls or emails/IMs after about 445pm weekdays or over the weekend; work has *got* to come first, otherwise one of us will get transferred or fired, and that won't help us.

Good thread, I like seeing how others do it!

PS...a new one of mine is going to be "thou shalt have thine own cell phone"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 7:21pm

MM and I never really made any ground rules either... somehow there was just an understanding of one anothers situations and it just keeps getting clearer over time.


Some things we stick by... are no phone calls or text messages over the weekend unless arranged previously.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sun, 09-28-2003 - 8:16pm
We agreed that it can never be more than it is...that we wanted our marriages to stay intact - we want our children to be in happy homes.

That we would try to keep our actions in check and always be very careful; we don't want to get caught!

We primarily email. We only call each other if we plan it in advance.

We don't call each other on our cell phones - too risky.

That we would remember to keep things on an even keel at home - otherwise things could easily get out of hand between us, which in turn could spell disaster for ourselves and the people we care about.

We asked each other if we could be friends when it ended (I still don't know the answer to that).

What we feel (or could feel) has never been discussed. Each of us has hinted at it, but no real discussion on that yet. Probably for the better...this can be scary.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:09am
Luckyme914, OM suggested thou shalt have his own cell phone the other day. LOL

I am worrier and a thinker, so when OM wanted to set ground rules I was relieved, of course like sweet had mentioned most are just known and don't need to mentioned.

Sweettendencie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 9:51am
good morning all!





Edited 4/7/2004 9:44 am ET ET by gurlfriend50

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:05am
Funny you post that your MM has been making comments. My MM just made one today.

We were talking about a friend of ours that was in an affair with a MW who is hoping she will leave to be with him. And I mentioned that realistically it probably wouldn't work, that EMA usually are about excitement and fulfilling desires and once someone leaves a marriage or R, they most likely would be disappointed with the reality of the relationship. Not meaning that there aren't affairs based on true feelings.

Well, he looks at me and says "yeah but not in our case, right" then this huge debate took place and now he isn't at all happy with me. OOPSY. We have always made it clear as you can see in my original post that we won't leave our S/O's. Now today he is upset that I wouldn't, I don't get it.

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 2:52pm
hey sweet, i think he wants to feel you care for him and would want a future with him if it were possible. sounds to me like he's been thinking about a "possible" future, even if you both said, in the beginning, that you wouldn't leave your SOs.

my MM and i said the same thing and now he's leaning toward a "possible" future. i'm keeping my mouth shut on that subject. i'm too realistic to believe it could work out between us. but of course, sometimes i do think about just running away with him and damn the consequences.

who knows, right? anything can happen. funny, huh!

see ya,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 3:39pm
Gurl, I think you are right. He called and we met for a quick coffee. He told me that although he knows we may never have a future he would like to think that I would want one.

Like you, I have mixed feelings about that. Sure I have thought that way but I don't want to say it because I hate the thought of giving him false hopes.

And as you said, never say never. Holy Catch 22.

lol

Sweettendencies

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 3:44pm
really, catch-22 is right!


anyway, i'm glad to know we're in the same boat -- attitude-wise.

see ya,

gurl


Edited 4/7/2004 9:42 am ET ET by gurlfriend50