What to expect now???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
What to expect now???
5
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 2:22am

I don't post here often but lurk all the time and have read so many great posts from all of you. The latest in my story is that AP separated from his W and got his own apt. He still goes to his house every night for dinner though and says he does this to be with his 2 daughters, which I am trying to understand and be ok with.

Last week, his W took the kids on a vacation but AP did not go and he told her he didn't want to go. But, he did take a week's vacation and we spent time together every day. Therefore, I do believe that he wants to be with me. However, many of the days were spent with AP texting his W and it really got on my nerves. Then, 1 night I was supposed to meet him at his apt and he told me he might be a little late as he wasn't sure how to tell W he was going to apt early. I have a key to his apt and told him that was ok. Well, 3 hours later, he finally showed and I was mad. I tried not to let it show but did tell him that I thought he needed space and that I was going to back off so that he could figure things out. The reason that he was 3 hours late was because they went grocery shopping. I was mad that I didn't get a text or anything.

The next day, he told me he's afraid of how difficult his W could make it for him when they got divorced and that he's afraid of her and what she could do. I basically told him that, in being afraid of her, I am feeling like a 3rd wheel and am tired of sitting around while he texts her for 3 hours or goes grocery shopping.

I know I'm leaving out parts of the story but I'm trying not to make this too long. I was just wondering if anyone else has experience with their AP leaving. I truly believe he wants to be with me and he tells me this all the time. I just don't know how long I'm supposed to sit around while he tries to figure things out. He told me he doesn't want me to back off and give him space, that he knows he needs to get his own checking account, etc etc. I told him actions speak louder than words. I don't want to push him into anything because I don't want him to think I made him do something he doesn't want to do. Also, he has only been in the apt 1 month.

Ok, I'm rambling. Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2008
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:15am

Sounds to me like he's still 90% with his W. He got an apt but he's still spending a lot of time with W. I understand about the kids etc, but the texting, the hanging out ... she still has her hooks in him big time, IMHO. As you say, actions speak louder than words. He's doing the cake man thing, which is okay if it's okay with you, which it sounds like it's not. If I felt like you in that situation, I'd step off.

Just my .02

-jana

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 7:50am
It sounds so weird to me. His wife knows that he left her and has an apartment, right? Or does she think the apartment is for some other reason? (There was a case here once where a W had an apartment and called herself "separated" but her husband thought the apartment was for work and didn't know they were "separated", so that's why I ask!) I don't know why he has to text her all the time or go grocery shopping with her if he's really left her - just doesn't really make sense. It's not normal behavior, so I don't know what to tell you to do about it, or how long it might go on.

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You've

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 9:31am

Hi Rollercoasterlife,


I agree with the other posts that his behavior is a bit odd. It's great that he has his own apartment but why does he continue to text her, go food shopping and have dinner every night because of his 2 daughters. He can always get the girls on the weekend if he wants that quality time and if the text messages aren't about the girls or anything urgent pertaining to a divorce or just settling things then why all the extra. I would be annoyed and upset to. I know its a hard transition for him but to me he's giving her hope and if he really wants to end things with her then he has to cut that extra stuff off.


He says his W will make things difficult for him during the divorce. Divorce is no easy thing and I'm sure he was aware of that from the start. If he truly wants to make this happen then he knows what he has to do, nothing worth having is ever easy. He can also get visitation for his daughters and that puts an end to that. I think its good that you offered him space but also keep "your" options open and do the things that make you happy. Try not to get too consumed over this (easier said then done). Your happiness comes first! One day at a time.


I wish you well!


 


Much peace & Love,


Rayne


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2009
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 1:19pm

Thanks ladies for the responses. He said he was texting so much because he took the week off of work and didn't want her to know. He said that if he didn't answer her texts, he was afraid she'd call work and they'd tell her he was on vacation. But then he was texting her 1 night when all of that vacation stuff was over...

As for the grocery shopping, he said that she still wants to control what he buys so that "he doesn't spend too much". I told him that, if I was getting ready to leave and go meet him and my H said I had to go grocery shopping, I would have said, "umm, I'm an adult and I can go grocery shopping all on my own".

Usually he goes to his house from about 7pm-10or 11pm every night but 2 nights ago, he was only there for 45 min. He told me 1 daughter wasn't home and the other was outside playing with a friend.

As for the apt, the W definitely knows he left and it's not for work.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do at this point because, although he says he needs to get his own stuff like a bank account, I don't know if/when it will actually happen.

Also, yesterday he was asking how often H and I have sex and seemed jealous when I told him the last time was last week. He told me the last time for him was at the end of May, before he moved out.

So it's not typical behavior to do what the W wants just to not rock the boat? He said that she feels he needs to spend time with their daughters every night. I feel like he needs to grow a pair and do what he wants but maybe this is what he wants. It's just confusing because if this is what he wants, why did he even get am apt in the first place?

I've asked him numerous times if he wishes he hadn't gotten the apt and he always says he is very glad.

I'm trying to not talk to him so much and have him initiate everything but it's tough. He has repeatedly said he doesn't want me to back off and he doesn't have feelings he needs to sort out but I'm not sure.

I know some of the texts while W was on vacation were pics of what they were doing. I told him that was weird. That, if my H moved out and wouldn't go on vacation with me and the kids, I surely wouldn't be texting pics of what we were doing as I would be pissed off.

K, done rambling for now. Thanks to all of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2007
Fri, 07-09-2010 - 4:55pm

RCL, I've been a long time lurker here & used to post more, but I had to say something because this seems like something I've seen before in others' stories.


It sounds like he was kicked out of the house. That is why his W knows about the apt. I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like he's been doing the work necessary to get back on her good side, while telling you he's just easing out of the marriage. Separated people don't do joint grocery shopping or text each other to hide their whereabouts. If he's truly separated, who cares if she calls his office and he's not there?


I hate to say it, but it sounds like he's feeding you both a line. I'd be very careful if I were you.