what if it flops - response & thank you
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what if it flops - response & thank you
| Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:54pm |
Thank you to all who answered my 'What if it flops' message the other day. I honestly agree and believe what each of you were saying...I think I had my mind made up anyway and just needed to hear it from someone else. Since I wrote that, things have happened. In the last month, my H has realized that he is losing/lost me and has 'tried'. We are going to counseling, and he is trying to be all lovey dovey. But, it almost makes me more angry. I think my heart is too hard - that its taken so much that I can't go back. I hurt because he is being geniune right now - I know that he wants to save this M, but I don't feel like I do. The problem is his on/off switch. For instance, Friday things were great. Sunday, I got 18 calls to my cell phone within 15 minutes and ten disgusting, hateful messages. I would go into them, but I don't even want you to have to hear what I heard. Then, apologizes, crying, sorries, "I know that I need to change", etc etc etc. Yes, I am glad to see him realizing that he has an issue with abuse and anger, but I can't honestly say that I trust that he will change. I've heard it all too many times before, even if this time may be more intense than before. I just feel bad because now I feel like he is trying to save this and I am just turning my back on him. Actually, I am. I love him, but am no longer in love with him. And, the idea of actually living my life for me is the only thing that makes me smile right now. Am I wrong for not even wanting to wait to see if he can/will change? How long do you wait? A year? A month? I've waited ten years and nothing is different, but maybe this time it will be? I'm confused, but I am clear on one thing. My OM makes me feel wonderful. I am so much happier when I am with him. He is on my mind constantly. And, I can see myself starting over so clearly...and it excites me...with or without my OM. Help me understand these back and forth feelings.... :-(

If all the problems between you and your partner were magically resolved today, would you still be ambivalent about staying or leaving?
If your answer is yes, then you should probably leave. I had never even realized that I would want to leave even if all our problems were solved until I read that question. It's like the problem isn't really that we don't communicate now, but that we never did so our bond isn't strong enough to withstand this. That sounds horrible after 11 years together and 8 years of marriage, but it is true.
I don't know what your answer to this question would be, but it's something to consider. If I were you though, I would at least go to counseling with your H. I thought going would help my W accept things. It didn't, but it did help me sort through my feelings and it has given me the strength and confidence in what I am doing. Good luck with everything and stay strong.
H also knows that something is up. I can tell in the way he's been treating me...with kid gloves you know. Trying to be real delicate, and almost playing the poor little victim (why don't you want to have sex with me anymore...pout pout) Like a little kid. Sending me love emails and asking me daily "how much do you love me??"
I left H last July for a little while, and when I went to pick up the rest of my things, he broke down and told me he loved me and didn't want me to leave. I couldn't walk away after that. But after I asked for marriage counseling, he refused to go. I went by myself for a while. It's been 8 months, and things are pretty much the same. The hardest part for me, as is for Omaha, and sounds like you too, is knowing that your spouse really loves you, but the IT factor just isn't there. My spouse isn't abusive per se, but he's very controlling and manipulative. I could tell you a thousand stories, as I'm sure you could to.
I'm also at the point, where living for myself, while I'm still relatively young, is a hard thing for me to grasp a hold of. I know what I need to do. But divorce is a scary thing. I'm praying for you! As for a timeframe, that is to be determined by you. You'll know when you've tried enough...my mom always says, when enough is enough, you'll have the strength to leave. (that's what she tells me, right after, dump the loser...LOL)
I didn't even get physical with OM until after I left H the first time. Maybe I think I didn't try hard enough, that's why this is so rough for me. But I do know that there is never a time when I look at H, that I think, I love this man. NEVER. It's just sympathy for him. And at times, pure hatred for him. Wow!! sorry so long...thanks for the catharsis... ;o)
Follow...you aren't alone...I guess that's what I mean by all this...
I call this the "Pseudo Husband Facade."
To have your husband all of a sudden doting huge amounts of attention on you when you're not used to it is sometimes difficult to handle. My mother learned about my affair when I blurted it out to her one afternoon. Being a minister herself she listened intently and then she said "Any problem can be corrected except for indifference.....once you become indifferent toward a situation there is no repairing it." I have a quote on my profile somewhere that reads:
"Desire is half of life, Indifference is half of death."
elf
http://women.msn.com/590374.armx
Edited 3/24/2004 2:45 pm ET ET by opal_fire
Edited 3/24/2004 4:06 pm ET ET by opal_fire