What " if's " is driving me crazy.....
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| Thu, 11-20-2003 - 4:06am |
I wasent sure where to post this so I just picked a random board...I've been living with my boyfriend for aprox. a year now, we have been together for 3 years. About 2 years ago an old guy friend came back into the picture that I've known for about 10 years, but lost contact here and there, but recently we have become good friends and talk and see eachother on a regular basis, and no there is no romantic relationship between us, its just a friends thing, not that we didnt want anything more, but the timing has always been off, he was married and I was in another 7 year relationship...
Anyway..what I'am getting at is, I started having feelings for him, and we have talked about thoughs feeling, but have never acted on them because again the timing is never right, and most importantly I have a boyfriend, and there is nothing wrong with our relationship, but I cant help but have these feeling for my friend, and just dont know if I should act on them or just leave it alone. I dont know if this is just " Lust " on my part or if this could possibly be something more then that...I hate feeling what I'am feeling, and its so hard to just walk away from them and him, because I will always wonder, what IF I had taken that leap of faith....I honestly couldnt tell you if he feels as strongly as I do, BUT i do know he has some feeling for me, but maybe its also just
" Lust " on his part, I cant tell....I think there are moments when he wants to tell me how he feels, but doesnt because he doesnt want to interfer with my current relationship. Man, this all is to confusing to me...what do I do!! But what I do know for sure, is that I want to end this what IF's...should I just walk away or should I take a chance...

since you are living with your BF and not married at this point, having feelings for another man should tell you that you should probably explore dating others. i too live with my long-term BF (10+ years), but i'm older and want to stay in my current living arrangement, so i have my MM on the side.
is that what you want to do, live with someone and see someone else "on the side?" if you want to explore the possibility of a relationship with this OM, you should try talking honestly with him about your budding "lust" feelings for him and ask how he feels about you. you've been friends for a long time and haven't hooked up because of "bad timing" but if the attraction is there, i would hope you could be open and honest enough with OM (and him with you!) to let him know how you are feeling. maybe this is the right time for the two of you!
open communication and an honest discussion of your and his feelings is in order here, honey. ask him to lunch and sit in a corner booth and talk about it.
good luck,
gurl
I have told him how I felt about him, but with me being in a realtionship he doesnt want to be the reason I leave my boyfriend (who say's I would be anyway, it might be the worst sex Ive had ), because like I've said before, there isnt anything wrong with my current relationship and my friend knows that.I also think thats why hes afraid to tell me who he really feels about me, because Iam in a realtionship with no problems. I think it would be different if I would call and whinne about problems Iam having with my boyfriend, but I never do that, and I wont do that just to know how he feels about me... Like I said before also...
I hear ya superfly. I heard something once..."I won't be on my porch swing at 80 with regrets" and that's the reason I've decided to persue this other relationship. Our "about me" is the same. My relationship is married with children. I don't know. 6 months ago...I let the what if's get to me..but found the stength to walk away. Now, not only do I have what if's about my past...I have what if's about 6 months ago! It's the same guy. And I can't do it anymore. See my post "same ol story"
Good luck
Haunted
I have tried walking away several times in the past and recent past. But wouldnt you know it after a month or so of not seeing him and feeling alittle better about my " what If's " situation....I walk into the the movies (we have like 15 theaters in my area), and hes at the same damm movie, I will go to a store for women called " Lane Bryant " (last place you would think to run into any guy you know)BAMMM there he is buying a Bday gift for his mother, I got to Ross Dept. Store ( theres about 5 of them in my area ) gawd, there he is again...I can run, but I cant seem to hide :o/. We dont run in the same circle of friends, so its never a...One of my friends saw him or he ran into a few people I know or oh I talked to ----- today. Its always at the oddest places....Im not saying maybe we are meant to be, but damm it sure makes you wonder WHYYYYYYYY!!!
OM has been and is on your mind and so it seems he's everything, and in every conversation, but that's because you are so focused on him right now.
i stand by my initial advice to you -- you still have to talk with OM and see what's going on. don't discuss it to death, but a simple question about where the situation is going will give you some answers (hopefully!) and then you can decide what you want to do in your life!
running into OM is not a sign honey, just a coincidence. sorry!
gurl
Well last Saturday I had alittle get together at my house, while my bf went to a concert with some of his friends. I had a several friends over and one of them was the OM. Like I said in previous posts, we have never ever been physical with one another besides from a hug here and there, there has never been anything more... Well that same evening he decided to give me a kiss in the kitchen, It was an innocent kiss, but to me it meant everything of course, considering its been years in waiting, and no, nobody else saw it happened..meaning my other friends that were there that night. He said he kissed me because, I put him on the spot by telling him earlier that week that he would was to shy to ever make any moves on me..so he felt like he has to prove it to me. :o/ So basically he's telling me that I put him up to the challenge, which I honestly didn't think he would actually take me serious, considering we've been friends for so many years, we've always joked around about things in that nature...
Anyhow, he called me the next day, and asked me if I was surprised that he kissed me, and I said, no not really. What surprised me more was that he did it in the environment we were in, with all my friends there, he laughed alittle, and that's was the last we talked about it. So, the next few days go by, and he calls me again, and treats me like his personal counselor regarding his situation about his separation from his wife, and that he's thinking about working it out with her, but just isn't sure if he's doing the right thing :o/. So needless to say, I got pissed off, and FINALLY told him how I really felt about the possibility of us, and how I was sick of him using me emotionally and playing games with my feelings, considering I also have a bf, and his advances towards me is effecting my relationship with my bf ,and that I am not just a doormat for him to unload all his issues on. I told him that he's needs to start talking to his wife more about his feelings, instead of me. I cried alittle in between ( which I have never done before ), and told him that I have feelings too, and he needs to stop using me to boost his ego, so he can make sure he still has game with the ladies, incase he doesn't get back together with his wife. He didn't have much to say during my emotional plea to have him stop playing games with me, he just said, he was very sorry if he has caused any problems in my relationship and if I hurt you in any way, but I just have to many problems myself to fix, and I don't want to bring them to you (meaning if we ever tried to have a relationship). So I just told him that maybe one day he can have the same feelings I have for him, and he said, maybe I can, but I'm to F'ed up right now, to have any feeling for anyone, and again I don't want to bring my issues into a relationship with you.I want a clear head, and then he asked me if I was ending our friendship ( which he sounded like he was about to cry asking me that)and he also said, that I have no idea what I mean to him...honestly to me it was all BLAH BLAH BLAH. I just told him that I needed sometime away from him, and he said ok.
So there you have it...what do you think? Thanks for reading!!
My thoughts....well, I think you are very strong for expressing to him exactly how you feel and what you won't put up with. That takes a great amount of courage when we truly don't know how the other person will react. There is always a risk of losing someone we care about. Anyway, you told OM that you wanted some time a way from him, so take it. It could be a few days, a few weeks, a month, whatever. Use this time to figure out what your expectations are in your involvement with him. Also, considering your feelings for him and his telling you that he is too messed up right now to deal with his feelings for anyone (not to mention he has made it clear that he does not want a R with you at this time due to his perception that he has too many issues), you need to ask yourself if you want just a friendship with this guy. Maybe in the future the two of you could end up together, maybe you won't. But right now, he isn't comfortable giving you the type of R you want. So, right now, can you deal with the way things as the are???
Best wishes to you. Stay strong.
Annika
Brightest Blessings, Annika