What is it that

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Registered: 09-29-2003
What is it that
8
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 9:20am
keeps a relationship going and makes it tick? A lot us are in marriages that aren't really great that we seek what we want outside of it. I was reading another post that patience is key to a relationship's success. What if one partner is unwilling to make a change - do you be patient with that spouse? What about mutual attraction? Is that a part of a sucessful relationship as well? I am in a "musing" mood today and if you will indulge me I'll appreciate it.
Avatar for jennlynnk
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Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 11:33am
IMHO... you need patience for an A.... AND communication for all relationships, but marriages and A's especially.

IF your spouse won't change, if you are growing apart, want different things out of life, the ONLY way to decide anything is to communicate. And in this instance "patience" can turn into..... 20 years of doing something you don't really want to do because you are waiting for him to "change". No one just changes, and most people don't,can't,won't change FOR someone else (rightfully so). YOU can only control YOUR end, how you react to people.....ie, stay or go.

As far as A's go, patience i think is THE NUMBER ONE requirement. The most attentive MM is still not the same as a single guy (i am talking from a single woman dating MM perspective here). There will be times when you have to wait, tolerate, and deal with situations that just aren't issues if you're dating a SG.

In my case (i could use some thoughts here), MM's wife seems to be willing to let our A go on forever. she knows all about me, has even met me. She is angry/upset about it but they don't talk much about the future. She throws out the occaisional one liner to him about what he's doing but that's it. Day to day life is "normal." i am trying to figure out if she's keeping it all in and one day she's going to blow up, or, if she (he told her he's leaving for me, i know he's fence sitting, and she probably has that figured out too) can literally let this go one for years. i don't know if i can "out patience" her. What do you guys think?

jen

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Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 12:15pm
Its called denial. If I were a spouse who knew my husband was seeing another woman I will not hold onto the marriage for the sake of maintaining status quo. I have seen a lot of women do it including my MM's wife (its his second A with me). They afraid of change I think and would love to keep things the way there are without rocking the boat.

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Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:08pm
I've been giving a lot of thought to these things, too. Here's what I've come up with.

To any committed relationship (and committed meaning you are intentional in dealings with your OM/MM, not that you're exclusive) there are some fundamentals involved. Yes, patience. Our reality is that time with our secret love is frequently cut short or cancelled altogether (like this morning, for me!!!) because of work or family obligations. If you don't have the patience to wait it out until the next time, then you're in for a world of heartache. You'll also slowly drive yourself mad during weekends, holidays, vacations, and other typical NC times for affairs.

Also respect. You gotta respect each other. That is obvious. Without respect, you've got nothing. If you treat each other with genuine respect, then your time together is enhanced, of course, but it also softens the blows of altered plans and rendevous.

Communication is a gimme.

Trust level is important. I'm not saying how MUCH you should trust him, but you need to know what that level is. If he says he's stuck home with a sick kid, you either believe him or you don't. Neither is inherently bad or good for the relationship. You gotta know whether to believe him when he says he loves you or if he's only greasing the wheels. If he's only greasing and you take him to heart, you will get hurt. If, on the other hand, you KNOW he doesn't really love you, well, then that's okay, you can carry on with that. No surprises there.


And I do think it's important to have mutual attraction. Now that doesn't mean that either of you are the best looking things out there. I'm averagely attractive - I dress up sensationally and I look like crap in my grubby clothes. But SO thinks I'm desirable and sexy, even though he's only twice seen me dressed up. SO himself is nothing special to look at. Until I see his beautiful blue eyes twinkle and his dimples deepen when I do something that amuses him. We can't wait to be alone together because I love how his arm muscles ripple when he reaches to hold me and how his chest is broad enough to engulf me. And he loves certain things about me. Compare that to the last few years with my H when I wanted to always have the lights off so I didn't have to look at his body. Terrible to say, I know, but it was a definite turn-off for me. That's not healthy. There was a time, though, when I thought he was the most attractive man I'd ever met.

Good thread. HTH.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 1:54pm
I have one thing to add to this topic...

I was NEVER a patient person, until I meet my MM. If there is anything he has taught me, its " patience "!!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 2:50pm
Hi Autumn,

Well, first I have to look at the word "relationship" - it's a general term for an association between any two (or more) persons. With any relationship, there is a bond with the other person(s) - and I should think in any there is or was an affinity - some similarity that brought those people together. A relationship, to me, is a *situation* one finds themselves in with another person(s).

I think what makes a relationship primarily "work" (change & grow) is Both partners being active & willing participants - otherwise it's idle...or worse it's stalled, and once it's stalled it may be difficult to get it going again. By active, I mean being trusting, respectful, communicative, attentive, responsive, supporting, and so much more. There is alot of work to make it work!

Should we always be conscious of whether we and our partner are active and willing? Well, if we apply how we change & grow in other areas of our life (whether as a parent, employee/employer, student, etc.) - by learning and tutoring and cognizant of wanting to be, and wanting others to be, successful - then, yes, we should be continually conscious. The work starts with day one of the relationship, not day one of the problem in the relationship, to keep it ticking.

In a lot of ways, the activity of an affair relationship is like a marriage relationship (lol, I'm not talking about the physical!)...it takes trust, respect, communication and etc. to work. Even the situations are similar - a bond, a similarity that brought two persons together. I would even go so far as to say it is a mistake to view a marriage relationship differently than an affair relationship with regards to change & growth: When one considers marriage it is probably because the relationship has changed and grown, and the next natural step of the procession is marriage...but then what? For many it is to begin a family...but then what? Raise children, work hard, save for retirement, grow old together, etc. etc. - similarities that keep two people together in a situation, whether those persons are working at/with the relationship or not.

It's not so much "where is the relationship going", but how well "we" as individuals change and grow, and how well "we" change and grow together. My "relationship" with MM will never change - as long as I am in a situation with a man who is married, it will be an affair...if we were married, again the "relationship" would never change - as long as we were married it would always be a marriage; but the two of "us" will hopefully continually change and grow, and continue to respect, support, communicate, and etc. with each other. I don't think of the signifigance of the situation, but rather the other person in my relationship.

That's my bit of musing on the subject, thanks for the chance.

Have a wonderful day!

Meow



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Fri, 12-26-2003 - 5:22pm
I knew you would post the moment I mentioned the word muse -lol I am glad you took time to muse over my post.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 1:29pm
This has been an awesome thread to read through, and what wonderful insight with all these musings!!!! I would just like to add compromise and genuine listening to the list.

And by listening, I find the most important time to be listening is during a disagreement. And not just hearing the words, but actually listening to what is meant by those words and understanding if those words are something to take to heart or just something thrown out there in anger. Too many times we all say some pretty hurtful things out of anger, and although there may be some smidgen of truth behind those words, oftentimes they are quite exaggerated.

As for compromise, thats a big one for me. I will stand strong by my resolve on something that is intensely important to me, but will let other things slide that I can see are intensely important to the other person.

Again, what a wonderful collection of musings!!!

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Sun, 12-28-2003 - 3:30pm
my man and I are best friends. u need alot of laughter and joking. being best friends first makes it alot easier as well. being open and honest and having mutual respect for each others opinions.