What is it about W's pregnancy....
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What is it about W's pregnancy....
| Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:26pm |
that makes it impossible for you to continue the affair? (This question assumes that you could NOT continue your affair if you found out MM's wife were pregnant)

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Sandy
I mean when I was married I contimplated on leaving plenty of times it was just not that easy for me to get up and go...finally one day I build the courage and did.
He does not make her seem crazy...she makes herself look crazy. She even told me I hope you dont think im crazy..im like NOOOO not at all. I do know for a fact and she did admit she is a weak woman and I agreed with her.
You have no sympathy for her because you didn't suffer from postpartum depression. Hmmm...does that mean that you would have no sympathy for someone whose father passed away because your father is still alive??? Sympathy should not require your having experienced similar circumstances - it merely requires a touch of humanity.
Postpartum depression does not mean someone is weak. It is a hormonally-induced state over which a woman has absolutely NO control. She can't simply "buck up" and be happy. I daresay, it would even more difficult to BUCK UP and be happy when your husband is sleeping with your acquaintance.
It does not sound like she has postpartum depression, which would make her unable to function. She may have some postpartum blues, aggravated by the fact that her husband is no longer interested in her. That is not depression, that is sadness. There is a difference, you know.
Is she crazy? Well, it doesn't sound like it - she thinks her husband is screwing around, and you guys keep telling her she is crazy. She isn't crazy at all. She is right on target.
Do you hear yourself, Sandy from Texas?
It might not be the right thing I am doing...I dont call her crazy and her H does not either. We might say among ourselves. As far as the comment about a friends father passing away you cant compare of course there is sympathy there even if my dad is alive. Now I did not say she was weak due to her postpardum effect she was a weak woman overall. I mean if a man tells you he does not love you why are you going to be there?? If you are not wanted by someone why are you still there?? Yea your crazy and weak...how do you expect to make your H happy or anyone if you cant make yourself happy. Now the problems were there before she got pregnant and she knew it so now that she had the baby things are suppose to be better ahh NO...you cant retain a man by getting pregnant. She should have thought about that. Now if MM is messing around with me or even if it was anyone else obviously there is something missing at home. Why is this board available to support affairs. Married and Single people are having affairs y is that?? Obviously there are issues at home or just plain not happy. So MM should be miserable with her at home...I dont think so. Like I told her if you love your H try to work things out talk to him make him be attracted to you...I think I play a fair game by telling her that. I even told her I would do her the favor an back away now whether it was going to be effective would depend on MM contacting me. MM told her he would not leave me. I think she got her answer. Now whether I was with MM or not problems would still be there becuase they were there prior to me coming along...I might not make things easier but like I told her thats an issue between her and her H. She cant control her H well she needs to get strong and give them the boot. I know if I was in her shoes I would.
Does that make her weak? NO!! It makes her strong!!! She gets the last laugh.
How do you know he told her he is not happy??? Did SHE tell you? Or did HE???? If it came from her, than fine, I believe it. Otherwise, well, he may not be telling you the truth.
Is there something truly missing at home? Definitely. But is it something missing from the marriage? OR is it that your MM is merely missing from his home because he has trouble keeping his pants zipped up!??
If your MM WANTS to leave his "crazy" "weak" wife, he will.
How come I don't hear him packing?
As far as I can see...you offer no solid "support" for anyone, you seem to be top notch at critizing other people though..and for what? The same thing that you have done or did in the past...only different circumstances exist for different people...I'm sorry but this just doesn't make sense to me.
Are you an expert at human relationships now and is this because you yourself are seeing or have seen a shrink in the past? It just doesn't make sense that you should come here and even post such a question as this...what difference does the answer make to you? Unless of course, you are the one pregnant. I personally am in an EMA with the same man from 12 years ago...his wife DID get pregnant and I CHOSE not to continue, I can't explain even to myself why I thought this was wrong for ME...it was his first child and I thought he (or they) deserved the chance to "experience" that just as I had with my H without any interference from ME at least. Why doesn't it make a difference to me NOW...now that he has TWO children and I also have three Children involved...I don't know. That's just me being honest...I'm not sure I can explain "why" but I am sorry for NOT continuing before.
And as far as the other post you have on here about not knowing someone until it's over...maybe to some "extent" that IS true but I don't think if it's true love it could ever turn to hatred?? If so, then it wasn't really true love, right? MM and I got caught in 91 and everything that COULD happen, DID happen. I was infuriated with him for so many things...but did I "ever" stop loving him or decide "I hated him" ...obviously not, since I'm with him now. You are right, when emotions come into play...you never know WHAT someone will do, we've (MM & I) talked about this on numerous occasions. But you have to keep your focus, I know I would NEVER intentionally hurt MM and I KNOW he would never intentionally hurt me...18 years and counting has taught me this.
And just to add...as far as 'feeling' sympathy towards someone...it DOES help to have been in those "shoes" so to say. I neither have experienced postpartum depression but I HAVE lost both my mom and my dad within months of one another. And while I surely have always expressed sympathy when anyone's parents, or loved one has passed....I never really "knew" what it felt like until I myself also experienced it. Sure, anyone can "feel sorry" for someone else...that's why you see so many people attend funerals and extend sympathies during times like this...but if ALL of these people REALLY KNEW what it "Felt" like to lose someone...they would most likely come and still extend those 'sympathies' a few weeks later...when MOST people need them the most. I thought the whole "meaning" of "sympathy" was to have an "understanding" of what it feels like to have those same emotions, otherwise....you are just having "compassion" for what someone else might be going through...there is a difference.
Oh...there's just too many things here to pick out...but the statement
"OR is it that your MM is merely missing from his home because he has trouble keeping his pants zipped up!??"
Was that YOUR significant other's problem while YOU were involved with him, I mean...technically speaking....most everyone here "has trouble keeping their pants zipped up, except of course for those here that haven't experienced the IC of their relationship yet. Is that suppose to just be a wisecrack on your part or what? I mean what was the reasoning behind even saying that to someone? I personally am thankful my MM can't keep his pants zipped up :0)
I'm not trying to be a smart***, really I'm not...I'm just curious about you most of all. I mean there may be something here that I can learn or at least try to avoid in the future. I'm not saying I disagree with you "all the time" or that most of what you say even affects me at all, but you were "way" wrong to go off on someone whose situation you just don't know from a single post. What's the point?
PR
First of all, thank you for your interest, and I mean that sincerely. I will try to answer your questions.
First of all, in all honesty and fairness, I think I am here because of a combination of two factors: first, I am a frustrated writer/advice columnist/dime-store psychologist who is home with the kids and looking for some intellectual stimulation, and second, I am fascinated by extramarital affairs. I did have one, but it is not the sole source from which I draw my advice and commentary here. I have many friends who have had affairs, and I have spent a couple of years on the couch in good ole fashioned "analysis" - freudian style, which means that I didn't just talk about my problems and emote about them - I delved into the source. I actually "graduated" this year - it was the first time I ever was "released" from therapy by a therapist. There was simply no more work to do. This is not to say that I am perfect or enlightened or holier than thou. But I do have a minimum of what it takes to not screw up my kids or contribute any more fuel to the fire of dysfunction in my childhood family.
Why the questions about pregnancy, etc.? Because I find the topic fascinating. That's all. I find it fascinating that for many OW out there, it is okay for the MM to have sex with his wife, but if the sex produces an offspring, then it is no longer okay. A simple twist of accidental fate, and the whole picture changes. I think YOU did the right thing in leaving when your guy got his wife pregnant. Why? Because you felt you had to. There is no right or wrong, there is only accountability to onesself, and you were accountable to yourself, and you did what you needed to do. If everyone were accountable to themselves as you were, there would be a lot less of people hurting themselves and others. I truly believe that. It is a sort of capitalistic view of relationships.
As far as not knowing someone until you are no longer involved with them, this was not strictly speaking from my own experience. My MM did not surprise me in any way once the affair ended. But I will say that it took NOT being involved with him to be able to actually objectively see him and the relationship clearly.
As far as love and hate, I agree with you again. If "love" can turn to "hate", it wasn't "love" at all. But who are we to say what love is? And who is anyone to say that they never loved someone whom they THOUGHT they loved? In my opinion, love exists in the moment, and if you ever thought you loved someone, then you did, period, end of story. I don't believe that you can edit your feelings after the fact. If you felt it at the time, then you did, end of story. Unfortunately, too many people do not have a clue as to what "love" really is supposed to be all about. They say, "Oh, I am madly in love with this person" when in truth, they simply madly DESIRE this person. THAT can easily turn to hate. BUT, it is not for me to say that what they felt was not love...to THEM.
As for sympathy versus compassion, I think we are splitting hairs here. My main point was that Sandy from Texas was being coldhearted, to say the least, about her MM's wife's mental illness. You may never have had cancer, but I bet you would be very sympathetic to the fact that I did, and what I went through. If you could not be sympathetic to that, then I would think that you were missing something inside, some modicum of humanity. I think that mental illness is the same as physical illness. If her MM's wife is indeed depressed, she should be felt sorry for, not attacked. Sandy may not know what MM's wife is FEELING, but Sandy has to know that MM's wife is feeling awful. And Sandy has to face that part of why the woman is feeling awful is because something is very very very wrong with her marriage, and Sandy has contributed to that.
As for the "missing" husband who can't keep his pants zipped, the point I was making is this: Sometimes, a couple is poorly suited to one another, and they cannot make their marriage work. One or both of them may turn to affairs with other people, and you can then say that something was missing from the marriage. But SOMETIMES, the problem in the marriage is that one of the partners wants more than one sexual/romantic partner, and that partner creates issues that justify his or her cheating behavior. In that case, the only thing that is missing from the marriage, is the spouse! That is all I meant.
In my case, I was definitely a huge part of the problem in my marriage. First, I was not accountable to my own feelings, so instead of dealing with things on the surface, I let hostilities and resentments brew until I was so angry I began to act out. One of the things I did was cheat. But I also cheated because I needed to prove my loveableness. To make matters worse, I had married a man who had difficulty expressing gratitude. So, it was a combination of a mismatch and a person (me) who was prone to cheating anyway.
SOmething you should know: I am not "against" affairs. I just think that in the vast majority, they are a big waste - in the vast majority of affairs, there is really nothing supporting it but lust and curiosity and boredom, and to think of what the affair partners are risking (love, family, stability, self esteem) for a little lust, curiosity and boredom relief....well, it just seems to be bad judgement. Is there ever a time when an affair is justified (meaning that the benefits outweight the risk of pain to so many)? I don't know. I do know that some affairs smell better than others. And when I see someone who is in pain because she is obsessing over some married guy who is using her for sex on the side, it pains me.
No, that was not my situation, by the way. My situation was fairly simple: two angry, hostile, mildly sociopathic, highly attractive, overly sexual mid-life adults wanting to find a little happiness and a little revenge against their at-times cruel spouses. Both of us were dishonest. Both of us had many secrets from the other. Both of us pretended that we had no secrets from each other. The affair stopped being an affair when we both separated from our spouses. But the relationship ended explosively after it became apparent that he was involved with a number of women besides me and that he had lied about so many things that I did not even know where to begin to try to sort it all out. I have not spoken to him since. I am sad about what we lost - I do still believe that he was my soul mate. But at the same time, I feel as if we were not meant to be together in this lifetime. I have this sense that he and I were in the same karmic place when we found one another, but I grew and changed, and he did not. I am happy that I knew him, and I don't regret anything but the pain it caused his wife and my husband, and I am simply sad that it could not work out when there was so much potential.
But you know what? That would have been the case even if he and I never slept together in the first place....I would have said, "Damn, it's sad that I met him when I am already married...so much potential...and nothing we can do about it."
Any other questions?
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