What is it about W's pregnancy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
What is it about W's pregnancy....
18
Mon, 09-08-2003 - 12:26pm
that makes it impossible for you to continue the affair? (This question assumes that you could NOT continue your affair if you found out MM's wife were pregnant)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:31am
Glad to see someone on here who is even more analytical than I am! Interestingly, my EMA (which is mostly emotional, no sex) isn't even over yet and I already see MM for what he is. I spend just about every day trying to talk myself out of him and into my husband -- who is by far a much better guy -- but I'm like a drowning child. Just when I start to get my head above water, he pulls me back under. He senses me starting to recover and lays the charm on thick. Each time I tell myself I won't fall for it -- I'll just take the attention and keep my emotions out of it -- but each time I end up falling for him again. I'm lonely and bored and who wouldn't want a man coming around, telling her how gorgeous she is every day?

Still...is it my analytical nature and psychology background that make me able to somewhat talk myself out of this while it's going on? Or is it just that I've found a total jerk and the only reason he's able to brainwash me as much as he is is because he happened upon a vulnerable woman? Points to ponder... As for love turning to hate -- love and hate are both very strong emotions. If love turns to indifference, it probably wasn't love at all...but for love to turn to hate? Happens all the time. They are both strong physiological reactions to another human begin and they are both exactly the same, physically. The only difference is in how you label them. That's just one psychological theory, but it was one of my favorites in all my studies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:47am
YOU COULDN'T HAVE SAID IT BETTER. I AM IN THE SAME SITUATION ALTHOUGH THERE IS OR WAS SEX INVOLVED. I HAVE SAID ITS OVER SEVERAL TIMES, THROWN MYSELF INTO STRENGTHENING MY MARRIGE AND THEN HE LOOKS AT ME WITH THOSE EYES AND I MELT. HE TELLS ME IM BEAUTIFUL AND I JUST LOSE ALL CONTROL. MY HUSBAND TELLS ME THE SAME THING BUT IT'S DIFFERENT COMING FROM SOMEONE ELSE. RIGHT NOW IT'S OVER..WE ARE STILL FRIENDS THOUGH,WE WORK TOGETHER SO THERE IS CONSTANT CONTACT BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT I AM TRYING TO BE GOOD. I THINK I REALLY WANT IT TO BE OVER, JUST TO GET RID OF THE ADDED STRESS AND ALWAYS LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER.(THE WIFE IS SUSPICIOUS) THE WIFE WAS ALREADY PG WHEN WE GOT INVOLVED. I GUESS I WANT TO TAKE IT UPON MYSELF TO PRESERVE BOTH OF OUR FAMILIES, I KNOW MINE WILL SURVIVE...HIS ON THE OTHER HAND WILL BE UP TO HIM.

WISH ME LUCK...ANY ADVISE...GREATLY APPRECIATED

LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 9:11am

Does that make her weak? NO!! It makes her strong!!! She gets the last laugh.>

She get's the last laugh? That is the most insane statement I think I've seen on this board thus far. If a husband and wife stay together, and if in particular the wife stays - getting the last laugh is not going to make her strong. (I am referring the the possibility that she knew of the affair). In no way would trying to win some sort of competition for her husband be a victory, nor would him staying be something to celebrate (i.e. laugh about). I would hope that with your experiences in a marriage, as well as your time spent in psychological therapy, you would know that this type of case secenario is in no way that simple. Most marriages, and I believe most affairs, are so much more complicated than the juvenile notion of getting the last laugh because she "won!"

For me, my A is not about trying to win my MM away from his wife. We are fullfilling needs for each other that we do not get at home. Simple. Call it right or wrong, call it what you will. Nothing in reference to my A has to do with getting the last laugh!!


Edited 9/9/2003 9:29:40 AM ET by charlotte1203

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:15am
Thank you Prettyribbons...

and I agree with you Charlotte...

Last laugh...NO its not about that its not a competition. And if it were she lost a long time ago when her H decided to cheat. Now why would you want to stay with someone who does not love you?? Yes he has told her that ... I was there listening to him as he had the phone conversation with her and yes he told her he was unhappy. When I talked to her the first few times I was very nice and tried to have her work things out with MM. I even told MM I felt bad she seemed like a nice woman who was in love with him. Which she is he even said but as far as him having feelings they are not there. They used to be bestfriends and you do not know the entire story but they got married for convinience on his part he had to leave the country and she offered to take care of his 2 girls who he has total custody over vs them going to their biological mother who had really seen them a few times. She knows this - MM has told her he does not want to be married...but she is in love...and most of the times love is blind. I know about this is because W and I talked about it. Now you cant say I have no feelings becuase I do...I tried prolly not the best effort but I tried to back awat...but like MM said and told her I am not the problem the problem was already there. I told W I used to be like her - believed everything everyone said but within time you grow strong. And now you might see me as an inconsiderate tramp or whatever....but wouldnt everyone else be who is having an affair cheating on there spouse not having feelings for their significant other...just becuase my situation is different does not give you any right to judge unless you have been in these shoes. I dont see my self as being inconsiderate nor a tramp...nor anyone else on this board...if we are on here is to support each other right or wrong and give advise not to insult. I dont see my MM as being trully honest I dont think any man can be the same goes to women. People believe what they want to believe. Now if he is there he has his reasons but im sure within time he will leave her...y are you willing to live unhappy the rest of your life... and thats fine if he decides to stay becuase I will just move on. I dont feel she would win in this case because im sure someone else will come along in his life as well as into my life...thats just facts of life. And just the same thing you asked y dont you hear him packing I have asked him the same thing. I dont keep quiet...I say what I feel. Cant be too unhappy if your still there. I have my feet on the ground and not becuase he tells me a few sweet words will I melt. Now you asked a question and I answered it regarding pregnancies...I stayed Im still here for how long I dont know...but I feel we have gotten off that subject.

Is he missing something at home...thats y he cant keep his pants up like PR said that might just be a benefit to us!! Regardless yes there is something missin at home obviously thats y u go somewhere else to look for it. W is just a needy woman and some men prefer independent women and u just dont realize it just until its too late and in a bind. Its easier said then done just to walk out just like that. One more thing MM and I do not base our R just on sex...yes its great but in order to have a true R it takes more then that.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 10:52am
We do seem to be in similar situations! I was just walking back to work from the post office a few minutes ago, thinking what a prison this office building I work in would be if he and I were to stop speaking. Just knowing he was nearby... That strengthens my resolve to keep things from going physical. I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. Then, LO AND BEHOLD, I passed him in the darn hallway. There are rumors about us, so I felt really weird standing there talking to him about silly stuff, and he just kept looking at me as though he couldn't believe how beautiful I looked today. But I'm looking at him, thinking, what the HECK do I see in him? He's losing his hair, he's going to gain his weight back eventually...you can just tell. I must be crazy. If you knew me and knew him, you'd say, no way would she be interested in him. The rumors must be false -- it must just be that he's interested in her and she's just liking the attention. But it's the differences in our worlds that makes this so exciting. He's this older, more experienced man and it's so exciting to have someone who's been with other women be interested in me that way. I've only been with two men and I was the first for both of them. So it's all about sex, right? Yet he has the power to level me with one really intense look. Then next thing I know he's not calling when he usually does and my heart feels like it's being twisted and stomped on. How can someone get that much power over me when he doesn't even deserve me? When I have a H that's ten times better looking? I guess I just need to keep looking at him as though he's ugly every time I talk to him. Instead of everything he says being so "CUTE," I should be thinking, "Well, that's dumb." I'm going to give it a try and see if it works. I certainly thought that before all this started. Thought he was a redneck idiot with no morals. And yes, I totally relate to having a husband who tells you you're beautiful but it being different coming from someone else. When someone new tells you that, you FEEL beautiful. They don't have to say it. They don't have any other motive for saying it other than that they think it. (Or they want to get into your pants, which is still flattering, although not so romantic...)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 11:51am
One quick comment - no time for anything else right now - They don't have any other motive for saying it other than that they think it...

But the thing is: You NEVER know what a person's motives are. You can guess what YOUR motivations would be in the same situation, but you can't know THEIRS. For example, my exMM lied about many things, and I never guessed that he had lied because I always told myself, "He wouldn't lie to me because he has no REASON, no motivation, to lie." But what I didn't account for was that he lied for his OWN reasons, and I still don't know exactly what those reasons were.

A word of advice: never rely upon assumptions about another person's motivations. All you can do is to acknowledge their behavior and draw some conclusions, but you really can't know for sure what motivates people unless you are right there in their head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 8:33pm
For me, it's the knowledge that 2 kids are way harder than one. MM has one child. He is having a hard enough time trying to figure out his life as it is. How to leave his child, and divorce his W. If a number 2 were to come along, I would know 100% for sure he would NEVER leave. And I would walk away. I'd walk away for myself. I'd walk away for MM. I'd walk away for his W. Pregnant women need emotional support. I know I did. And I know that my relationship with MM takes his emotions away from her more. She would need him more than I do basically. No matter what their relationship was. No matter how we feel about each other. I would walk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:52pm
I tried that with the mm I was seeing a long time ago. But he just kept sticking around. He said he loved me and when I did end it finally he went and left her! And I had told him not to do it, because I wouldn't be there for him. But he did it anyhow, this was after his w had their 2nd child. He was on his hands and knees begging me, telling me how good we were together. And at this point I didn't think that were true, but the man had walked out on his family for me, so I tried to be with him. That didn't last long. He was so stressed from her and the new baby, plus he already was a drunk anyhow, just added to his binges. He would show up at all times of the night, drunk. I had her calling my apartment, her friends leaving me nasty voicemails, which I thought I deserved and still do. Anyhow, I broke it off, because it just wasn't going to work, not with the new baby, she couldn't deal with all of that. Not that I blame her at all, I can't imagine what it would do to me. I would like to think, that I wouldn't want him after finding out that, but then again, I can't say what I'd do until I was in that situation. The second I broke it off, he went home. She's done nothing but try and make him pay for cheating. He only went back because I broke it off. She called my bf at the time and tried to make up a bunch of stories to get me into trouble after her h came home. I called her and she just had to tell me how happy they are together, mind you I still heard from him now and then & heard a very different story. I told her that I was happy for her. She continued to be really rotten & I took her insults, because I figured I deserved them. But after so much abuse, I finally told her she was just being a b**ch and hung up on her. The next day I called mm and asked what was going on. He said he had been asleep when all that happened. I told him he better make sure she stays out of my life, or I will wreck hers. I was very angry at the time. Anyhow, you never know what will happen until it happens. I never thought I'd be involved with a mm. I would have sworn that I would never do that, but that's where I was a couple years back & am now. Things happen and depending on the situations and the people, you never know exactly what could come out of it. Either way you go, behind you 100%. I wish I had just backed away. I went through so much pain and agony & it turned out to not be worth it in the end. But I didn't think so at the time.

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