What I've been thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
What I've been thinking
9
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 8:37am
I’m in an “ok” place right now (or have been for the past couple of days). However, this past weekend was rough. I was missing MM, and we had a NC stretch; not for any particular reason; he was busy, or maybe putting things in perspective (whatever, not really sure). But he’s “back,” and had some very nice things to say to me. The nicest thing he said was how much our friendship meant to him; and he expressed it in the sweetest and sincerest way. It threw me for a loop, and basically got me thinking…

It made me realize how much I do care for him, and think about all the things I like so much about him, etc. I don’t want to loose him; I want us to remain friends no matter what happens between us. But I’m afraid if we keep the sex up, sooner or later it will end, and end with a lot of pain. If it ended, I would miss HIM more than the sex (but of course I do love the sex). I want him to stay a part of my life, whether we're friends or lovers. I know if he ever ended up hurting me (probably unintentionally), it would be difficult to stay friends; I'd have to cut contact with him to save my sanity. I do not ever want that; I truly like this man that much.

I’ve also been thinking about my family, and as much as I have tried not to let this A affect my family life, it has. In small ways, but it has nevertheless. I love my family and the longer this continues, the more I fear what could happen if I we ever got caught. I also know I need to start putting more effort into my family. My kids are growing up so fast; the years are just flying by.

I was thinking of talking to him about slowing things down and getting back to the friendship. I think as this point I could handle that. I’m trying to avoid getting hurt, caught, and I want off the rollercoaster. I know deep down that’s why he pulls away when he does, so I think he would be happy with this too. If the sexual attraction builds too high again, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. What do you ladies think? Has anyone ever tried this or been down this road before? If so, did it work?

Thanks

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:13am
There's nothing wrong with talking to him about slowing things down. MM wanted to slow things down a while back and he started avoiding me. When I finally got him to sit down and talk to me for a minute, he opened up that he was scared and we needed to "cool our jets" for a while. I told him I had no problem with that; that if we ARE going to be together someday, we need to get to know each other and build our friendship. So we worked on that for a while and, yes, it gets frustrating at times because the attraction is still there. But after some time you get used to it...or at least I did. You can still talk and flirt and maybe even say sexy things...just avoid getting into a situation where you're alone with him. Your fears almost mirror exactly what I'm going through right now; although MM and I haven't had IC yet. I feel like if it keeps getting more and more intense, it's inevitably going to explode. That's really not the case -- we could get caught just as easily right now when we're just kissing and a lot of trouble would happen -- but it still feels that way. I think the bigger issue is that the sexual intimacy just makes you so much closer to the person so that when it does end, it hurts all the more. And once you've done that, each time you do it again you risk your feelings getting deeper and deeper. The question is, CAN you go back to just friends after you've been naked with the person? After you've gotten as close to him as any human being can get to another human being? Wouldn't it be on your mind every time you spoke? Wouldn't you always long for more? Wouldn't it eventually become too much to bear and you'd give in? I guess all you can do in that case is take it one day at a time, but just know that the "just friends" thing hasn't worked for my situation. Inevitably we're going to work our way back around to where we were...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 11:27am
I know myself well enough to know that I will have to have closure and cut all ties when and if I ever make a break from my OM...that's just simply something that I have learned about myself...

Im glad to see you are taking a big picture look at your situation but dont over-analyze all of this...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 6:15pm
I completely realize that you meant 'don't drive yourself nuts' by suggesting for me not to over-analyze -- but I have to. I am a mother and a wife, and I try (not always successfully) to be a decent human being. It actually feels good that I can now look at my A with a bit of a different perspective now that the initial thrill has worn off.

I also must say that with over 250 views I can't believe only two people have responded. I thought a lot more people here were capable of intelligently responding to posts beyond "why didn't he email?" or "why is he ignoring me?" etc. No offense to anyone, but how disappointing.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Tue, 10-28-2003 - 9:39pm

Hi Charlotte,


Hon... I'm sorry that I haven't been around much lately... home and would you believe DH were my priorities over the past week... my time here was very limited and I only managed to get a few replies on here and there that didn't seem overly complicated... if you know what I mean??


I'm not sure I can actually help you out on this one... MM and I don't even think of going down that path... while we have a great friendship... I don't want to lose either that or our sexual intimacy... for me... they seem to go hand in hand.


I do understand however hard you may try... of course it will have some effect on your family... as you are allowing for someone else... that in essence should be there.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 8:04am
Thanks very much sweet. You are very kind for taking the time to respond when I know how busy you must be! Thanks too lilah and liberal.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 11:06am
charlotte -- sorry i wasn't on the board yesterday to respond to your post, but if i were feeling as you are, i would talk with MM and let him know how i was feeling and thinking about the A. suggest no sex, just friends and see where it takes you. it's what you want, after all.

for me, i couldn't do it. i really love my MM and want all of the precious little time we have together as it presently is. we were friends first and foremost, and now are lovers too. i'm hoping MM and i could return to being "just friends" if our A was over, but i'm not sure i could handle that.

our R hasn't cooled down, but a situation arose earlier this week that had me questioning whether or not MM wanted to continue our A. when i asked him about it, he said "absolutely not."

so my advice always is to communicate, honestly and as openly as you can. it's the only way to find out what you need to know and to let your MM know what's going on in your head.

good luck,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 2:41pm
I say, if you feel strong enough to backstep then by all means go for it. I am going through a simlar thing (actally letting go of my SO)He is the love of my life but for some strong reasons I realized that it makes more sense to walk away anow and keep the friendship (i hope)than cling to things for a while longer and end up hating the love of my life. Sometimes we get a moment of clarity that gives us strenth to make the hard choices. Hold on to that clarity to give you the strength to follow through with your choice. In short, I commend you and wish you the best. Do what you feel is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 10:02pm
Ladies, thanks.

I am very sorry if I came off as rood the last time I posted on this thread. I'm just really confused lately. I know people have a life, and get busy, and do not always have time to reply to posts. I've been posting on the Ending board too -- I'm still not sure what I am doing. Bottom line is I care about him way too much, and I can't stop it. I'm trying to handle everything like a mature adult, but inside I just want to scream and cry (and of course I can't do that); I can't even TALK to anyone about it.

Anyway, thanks again.

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-30-2003 - 12:45am
Hi Charlotte,

Yes, I've been down your road before...I considered ending the A to avoid the emotions, to keep the friendship, and to save MM's family as well as my own children. I was spending way too much time just thinking - obsessing - about MM (because of that wild attraction!).

What has helped both MM & I is to take breaks - sometimes complete NC (NC rarely happens anymore though), and sometimes a break from the physical but still talk as friends. Yes, the wild attraction is still there, but we've become accustomed to controlling it now out of necessity.

I have to think at this point that if our friendship cannot survive going back to FWOB (friends without benefits), then MM is not the person I thought he was, nor am I the person I thought I am developing into. Not that we put the friendship above the sex, but the sex is not a condition of the friendship. As well, we can love each other as friends, or as lovers - hmmm, they are different kinds of love.

With regards to "saving" MM's family, well, as much as I might love them in the way *I* love them, that aspect - MM's taking part in an affair - is not my responsibility, it's his. The affair relationship I have with MM is seperate from the relationship I have with his family, the same as it is seperate from the relationship I have with my own children.

And, now I seem to have a handle on the obsession (he's still always on my mind, but I can multi-task, lol) for now, I am not about to give the sex up - a part of me, something I do just for "me" (well, for MM too, lol). I can still guide my children to greatness, while enjoying my own greatness.

Mostly, I am not going to avoid the emotions - anything in life has the potential to bring both pain and joy, and I wouldn't be living a full life if I avoided something for the potential of future pain. I love MM, and want to experience that, one day at a time.

Charlotte, you are the best judge of your own situation and only you can decide what is right for *you*. Perhaps taking a "break" will help you think it through (but as Lib says, don't over analyze, or try to micro-manage). I know when I needed to work through it that posting on the board and just being able to get my thoughts out (I analyzed and mused ALOT aloud on the board!) helped immensely - and I hope it helps you.

Let us know how you are doing!

Meow