what to make of this

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
what to make of this
11
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 4:38pm

I recently asked about understanding where my AP was going?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 5:42pm

Can't say for sure, but maybe he's being led by guilt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 6:59pm

I agree with DJ that he is feeling guilty becuase if not he would not be flirting or calling again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Wed, 10-01-2008 - 8:42pm
I think that your AP is having a tug of war between his conscience and his crotch. He wants you, and to be with you, but feels so guilty that is he is denying his own desires. Pretty admirable actually. On the days that there's NC, he feels strong, and draws strength from the fact that he is going good, but like ALL of us, he gets weak. It's his weak days that you may hear from him, or he may be flirtatious. I know it's so easy to give advise, but SO hard to take it, but if I were you, and cared about this guys I would removed the dilemma from the equation, so he has no choice. Therefore no guilt. But like I said it's easy to say, but oh so hard to do. Good Luck Sugar.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 9:25am

I was thinking the same thing...that he just cant give this up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 10:23am
Well it is very nice to know that one is not alone. How do I deal w/ the feelings of being on top of the world one moment, and then shattered on the floor the next? Answer is that I don't handle the feelings, they handle me. I kind of liken it to being tossed around like a rag doll. You just go where ever it takes you, and then you wait to be picked up and thrown around again. You, or well I, have NO control over how I feel about my MM, or even how I react to him.
We met at work. When I was promoted to the rank of Sergeant, he was the best, so he trained me. I had always been fond of him, because he is so f*cking funny (sorry for the language, but he is.) Well make a long story short, we both left our Ms for each other. Due to the stress of the job, and an on the job injury, I developed an addiction to pain pills. My addiction was kicking in full throttle just about the time he left her. So my behavior became unstable, as did my job performance. She talked him into coming back. A WEEK later I found out that I was pregnant by AP. But here's the kicker (sounds like a sure enough soap opera) AP had a vasectomy 5 yrs prior. So he's looking at me like "Damn you cheated on me?" and of course I hadn't, try telling him that. It was a lonely, and EXTREMELY difficult time for me. I would have never made if it wasn't for my Mom who I am so sad to say has passed since, but she did get to know her grandchild, and I am grateful for that. Anyway I thank God for DNA! Because I am mixed w/ white, and Filipino, and AP is black, the baby was born looking completely white. You still can't tell he is mixed, so again THANK GOD FOR DNA!!!!
AP and his wife stayed together, and I stayed single. For 6 years I dated or saw NO ONE. I loved him that much. Many times during those six years he tried to start again, but I just was afraid. I was still hurting so bad from the first time. One night after 6 years he came over to get our son Seth, and I just molested him. We have been back together for a year, and he is leaving his wife again in December.
I have been told several times by my dear friends on this board that I am one of the lucky ones, because AP, and I will be a couple, but after all the hurt, and lies, and betrayal to so many people I don't feel so lucky. I am SO happy that we will be together. I just wished it hadn't happen like it did.
My suggestion for you, although easy to say, and damn near impossible to do, would be to get out. Get out fast, far. But there is no love, intrigue, excitement, or great sex in that. So I expect that you will do what most of us have done....stay on and ride the ride for as long as you can, and enjoy every morsel of time you get together. TRY and I reiterate that TRY not to look for meaning one way or the other in everything AP says, or does, because you will drive yourself insane, and one great piece of advise I got here.....BREATH.
I wish you all the wonderful times that AP and I have spent together, and all the luck in the world. I am sorry this turned out so to be so long.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 10:57am
Thanks for the replays everyone and your support....New development today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 11:18am

No promises:


He's doing it to be a sh**, that's what.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 11:21am
What he did was hurtful, selfish, and deliberate! He said those things to get your attention. Think about it, if he really wanted that other girl, anyone w/ a half a brain wouldn't do it through someone they have slept w/. Besides that is so high school asking someone to talk to someone else for you. Give Me a Break! This guy sounds like a real a**hole. I'd get away quickly! I'm sorry that he hurt you, and made you feel that way. I hope you feel better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2007
Thu, 10-02-2008 - 12:14pm

Justice:


Sorry to jump in here and ask my own question, but I was intrigued by your response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2008
Fri, 10-03-2008 - 5:50am
OK now I found the right post. I thought the latest post you put up was the one you needed help w/ so I helped you twice today :)
OK, yes their are going to be cultural differences, but I don't think that should have any real bearing on the outcome of your A. I can see where the guilt is coming from, most Phillipinos are strict Catholics, so the big A is a no go, but apparently your doing something right, because he keeps coming back. Unless he was raised in a separatist home I can't see the issue of race, really any issue at all, but your talking to a mixed Phillipino, w/ a mixed black child. My mind doesn't work that way. I think that most Phillipinos feel the same. Now I don't want to offend anyone, but a lot of Phillipinos are prejudice against blacks, but not other races. As a matter of fact I think that most Phillipino men prefer "white" women.
As far as Phillipino men go, and again I hope not to offend anyone, this is just MY opinion on MY race, and MY observations (Geez you have to be so PC these days. LoL) Anyway I refuse to date Phillipino men. They are very superficial. They like trophy wives, and are very smooth. They know just what to say, when to say it, and make it look like it was shear luck that he just melted your panties. They are good, and my AP is smooth. I said that I met him at work, well we always called him the Politician because he could always say the right thing on the turn of a dime, and that is dangerous. I say that's dangerous because they get use to always having the right answer, that rarely do they give an honest answer. In their attempt to sugar coat things or please someone, they loose their perspective, and the goal then becomes what sounds better as opposed to how they really feel.
Most Phillipino men know how to treat a lady too, and will break their neck, more than most races, (and I have dated just about all of them) to win a girl. I dated this guy named Mandy, he was Phillipino and he was so pressed to impress me, that he would leave work at lunch, go home, and make me a home fresh Lumpia lunch and bring it to my job. Dinner out EVERY night, gifts, money, you name it, but he really turned me off when we were at a poker game w/ his friends, and there I was his trophy g/f, and I pulled out my asthma inhaler, and he pulled me into the next room and chewed me out. He did not want his friends to view his trophy as tarnished, and I guess asthma made me less attractive somehow. He admonished me not to do it again. First thing I did when we sat back down, was pull out my inhaler, and hit it. Then after the party I broke up w/ him, and man he kirked out!
Anyway I am sorry I am getting off topic. The money issue may be an issue, only because like I said they are superficial, and in order to look good you have to have money. If he was raised w/ money he may likely choose her because of that, BUT I think only if you two were neck in neck. Like let's say that he loves you both the same, money may be the deciding factor, but I don't think he would choose her just because she is a doctor. Now if he knows that he can have you on the side, and marry her for money....well that's another story..... How you can figure out which is the case is really going to be difficult.
People think that Phillipinos are snobs, but really a lot of it has to do w/ language barriers. It's more than just embarrassing to them to misspeak or not understand, and ask for clarification. It's like a traumatic social event or something, so I think that they, especially the women, get the snob label when really it shyness.
One last thing, NO matter what race he, you, or H is, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR H JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR AP. I left my H for AP/bf, but I was repulsed by my husband LONG before I even looked at AP like that. I was just being lazy. AP gave me motivation, but it really was what I wanted. That's why even after AP went back to his W I stayed single. I was so glad to be free of him (H) I felt liberated.
I hope I was of some help. If I can do anything else just holler. Good luck, because in this business any help is good.

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