What a mess
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What a mess
| Wed, 12-24-2008 - 12:16pm |
Merry Christmas all...story in a nutshell...involved with married co-worker, I'm married also. We both have grown children, so no little ones involved. Our affair started almost a year ago with me actually filing for divorce on my husband once, got back together, then I left again to be with AP and that ended so now H and I are back together as well as AP and his wife. The problem-AP has tremendous guilt for leaving his wife. He went back and forth between her and I four times within the last year this last time we had absolutely NO CONTACT for 3 months and I admit, the first couple times, I initiated re contact with him, this time HE did. We both agree that this is not a mid-life crisis, crush, phase we are simply going through. We honestly and truly love one another which is obvious because we both tried staying away from each other and concentrating on our marriages. We have been "seeing" each other for 3 weeks now ( no sex involved) and he says he that he needs to figure out how to be with me without the guilt of hurting her. He's cheated on her before, but never fell in love and wanted to leave her for anyone. I told him flat out that I will not LOSE myself like I have before in the past year with him. I am not up and leaving or giving up anything for him until he proves to me he can end his marriage for good and follow through with what he says and he totally agrees with my decision. He says he knows that action speak louder than words and he has a lot to prove to me. He is miserable being at home with her and can't stop thinking of me. He texts me every chance he gets when we're not together and says he is so in love with me and it hurts not to be with me. Right now, his wife is going through the loss of her father and possibly soon losing a step father who actually raised her, so now is NOT a good time to be leaving her, that's for sure. We both agree that this time, we need to take things SLOW and not impulsively jump into things like we did before when we left our spouses. We really had no "plan" the first few times we hooked up. I, like AP feels about his wife, love my husband, he really is a good man, but I am not "in love" with him. We've been married for 8 years, AP and his wife for 23 years, so I understand on his part that connection he has there. He says that he does have a love for her because of the years they've been together, but in all honesty, if she hadn't gotten pregnant in high school, she is not someone he would've ended up marrying in life. They actually got divorced once after one year of marriage, then remarried after she supposedly got pregnant again but lost the baby. He loves her for the years together and things they've been through, but admits he cheated on her before because he was never truly in love with her or happy, which he admits was being a sh*t by never being honest with her about his feelings. He has a problem with looking like the bad guy for leaving his wife for another woman when she never did anything wrong to him. He knows it's a case of simply falling out of love or never really being that much in love with her, but when he's tried talking to her about that before, she refuses to listen, doesn't want to believe it and is very good at making him feel guilty for leaving because she did nothing wrong. I understand how he feels, but at the same time, he needs to grow a set of balls and stand up for what he wants in life. His child is raised ( in fact, he has a grandchild) and he is no longer obligated to stay for that reason. Just wondering if anyone else is in a MESS like this? Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Hi Gabby4ver2
I don't really post on here much, mainly lurk and look for solice for my mess !
I see quite a few similarities between your situation and mine.
Gabby..
Yes, this is a board for affairs, so you're in the right place. However, I will also add that this doesn't mean that posting on here will bring nothing but pats on the back and affirmations of everything said. You'll also get real feedback, the real truth, from people both in affairs now or in the past. Sometimes you'll like what people say, sometimes it might p*ss you off, but always, it will be the truth. For myself, I respond to what people write. You said that you're not content in your marriage, that your AP is not content in his marriage, that you wish he would grow some balls and do something about it. And you're right, he should. But my motivation in my response is to get you to see that you, too, need to do the same thing. Yes, your affair is an issue. A huge one. But even larger is the issue of just what are you going to do about your marriage. The AP could get discovered today by his wife and consequently dump you. Or he could be out on the roads tonight and get killed in an accident. You just don't know. Either one of these, obviously, would be the end of that issue. But your marital problems would still be there, and you could find yourself in another affair.
My biggest point in my post to you is that though I certainly understand being torn, take a step back and look at everything. It is SO easy to have your feet in today and look back at yesterday and see things a little distorted. ESPECIALLY in an affair. The sex, the attention, the nature of them. Of course your AP seems more exciting than your husband, whom you've been with for a long time. It's like getting a new outfit. Eventually, that one gets old, too. I think in order to really look at things with clear eyes, we have to step away from the affair. I know there was NO WAY I could REALLY see the truth until I was out of it. What I came to understand is that spouses are not possessions, they're not hobbies, they're not even "rights". They are people that deserve (most of the time) to be cherished by their loved one, and if they're not, then to be let go to find someone who will.