What a mess

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
What a mess
8
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 12:16pm
Merry Christmas all...story in a nutshell...involved with married co-worker, I'm married also. We both have grown children, so no little ones involved. Our affair started almost a year ago with me actually filing for divorce on my husband once, got back together, then I left again to be with AP and that ended so now H and I are back together as well as AP and his wife. The problem-AP has tremendous guilt for leaving his wife. He went back and forth between her and I four times within the last year this last time we had absolutely NO CONTACT for 3 months and I admit, the first couple times, I initiated re contact with him, this time HE did. We both agree that this is not a mid-life crisis, crush, phase we are simply going through. We honestly and truly love one another which is obvious because we both tried staying away from each other and concentrating on our marriages. We have been "seeing" each other for 3 weeks now ( no sex involved) and he says he that he needs to figure out how to be with me without the guilt of hurting her. He's cheated on her before, but never fell in love and wanted to leave her for anyone. I told him flat out that I will not LOSE myself like I have before in the past year with him. I am not up and leaving or giving up anything for him until he proves to me he can end his marriage for good and follow through with what he says and he totally agrees with my decision. He says he knows that action speak louder than words and he has a lot to prove to me. He is miserable being at home with her and can't stop thinking of me. He texts me every chance he gets when we're not together and says he is so in love with me and it hurts not to be with me. Right now, his wife is going through the loss of her father and possibly soon losing a step father who actually raised her, so now is NOT a good time to be leaving her, that's for sure. We both agree that this time, we need to take things SLOW and not impulsively jump into things like we did before when we left our spouses. We really had no "plan" the first few times we hooked up. I, like AP feels about his wife, love my husband, he really is a good man, but I am not "in love" with him. We've been married for 8 years, AP and his wife for 23 years, so I understand on his part that connection he has there. He says that he does have a love for her because of the years they've been together, but in all honesty, if she hadn't gotten pregnant in high school, she is not someone he would've ended up marrying in life. They actually got divorced once after one year of marriage, then remarried after she supposedly got pregnant again but lost the baby. He loves her for the years together and things they've been through, but admits he cheated on her before because he was never truly in love with her or happy, which he admits was being a sh*t by never being honest with her about his feelings. He has a problem with looking like the bad guy for leaving his wife for another woman when she never did anything wrong to him. He knows it's a case of simply falling out of love or never really being that much in love with her, but when he's tried talking to her about that before, she refuses to listen, doesn't want to believe it and is very good at making him feel guilty for leaving because she did nothing wrong. I understand how he feels, but at the same time, he needs to grow a set of balls and stand up for what he wants in life. His child is raised ( in fact, he has a grandchild) and he is no longer obligated to stay for that reason. Just wondering if anyone else is in a MESS like this? Thanks for taking the time to read this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2007
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 12:48pm
Is this Julz?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2008
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 12:49pm

Hi Gabby4ver2


I don't really post on here much, mainly lurk and look for solice for my mess !

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 1:01pm
Hang in there, truly...I know it's hard. Sometimes you have to be strong and hold your head high and be tough. That's what I did this last time. I quit being the sniveling, whiney "i love you can't live without you" person I was for so many months. I decided if he really loved me then he would be the one to make the first move and do something about it. I made it quite clear to him that I will not give up myself or anything else in my life without a commitment from him and that means ending his marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 3:33pm
Your situation sounds very frustrating. The one thing I will say is this....why is it that HE has to be the one to grow the balls? Sounds to me like you do, too. Afterall, you went back to your husband and are still there. Which, for the record, I have to say this. I guess I don't understand looking at your spouses like they're consolation prizes. Like if Plan A doesn't happen, there's always Plan B. It just seems so demeaning. Have you ever looked at it this way? Maybe you should. Maybe that would help you make a decision FOR YOU based on what YOU want. If you're not happy with your husband, why do you need another person there in order to leave the marriage? Both of your spouses sound like good people, and, no, they don't deserve to be dumped. At the same time, they don't deserve to be runner-ups, either. In my opinion, and it's just mine, the kindest, healthiest, best thing you can do is to step out of the affair, end the marriage with some dignity for both of yourselves and see where your life goes. Regardless of what he does. You never know...you just may find someone you connect with even better. Or stay in the marriage and work on it, without the distraction of someone else in the wings. Stay in the marriage or leave the marriage no matter what he does. Seems to me these are your only choices.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2008
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 3:49pm

I see quite a few similarities between your situation and mine.

Pink Passion Flower

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 3:57pm
You are quite right, sillyme, but then, this is a board about affairs, isn't it? I know my husband doesn't deserve it and to be quite honest, I'm not sure I want to leave him. I know he is a good man and he can give me all the things I want and need in life, but there is something lacking. I'm not IN love with him, I have no passion for him, but I do love him. I'm torn, really I am, between two men. One good, one maybe not so good, but one that I'm IN love with and one I'm not. In a perfect world, I could combine the two together and have a perfect man, but no such luck. Thank you for your honest opinion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 4:32pm

Gabby..

Yes, this is a board for affairs, so you're in the right place. However, I will also add that this doesn't mean that posting on here will bring nothing but pats on the back and affirmations of everything said. You'll also get real feedback, the real truth, from people both in affairs now or in the past. Sometimes you'll like what people say, sometimes it might p*ss you off, but always, it will be the truth. For myself, I respond to what people write. You said that you're not content in your marriage, that your AP is not content in his marriage, that you wish he would grow some balls and do something about it. And you're right, he should. But my motivation in my response is to get you to see that you, too, need to do the same thing. Yes, your affair is an issue. A huge one. But even larger is the issue of just what are you going to do about your marriage. The AP could get discovered today by his wife and consequently dump you. Or he could be out on the roads tonight and get killed in an accident. You just don't know. Either one of these, obviously, would be the end of that issue. But your marital problems would still be there, and you could find yourself in another affair.

My biggest point in my post to you is that though I certainly understand being torn, take a step back and look at everything. It is SO easy to have your feet in today and look back at yesterday and see things a little distorted. ESPECIALLY in an affair. The sex, the attention, the nature of them. Of course your AP seems more exciting than your husband, whom you've been with for a long time. It's like getting a new outfit. Eventually, that one gets old, too. I think in order to really look at things with clear eyes, we have to step away from the affair. I know there was NO WAY I could REALLY see the truth until I was out of it. What I came to understand is that spouses are not possessions, they're not hobbies, they're not even "rights". They are people that deserve (most of the time) to be cherished by their loved one, and if they're not, then to be let go to find someone who will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
In reply to: gabby4ever2
Wed, 12-24-2008 - 11:54pm
Yep, stepping back..I totally agree with that. AP and I have both done that, more than once, and we both come back feeling the same way about each other. No, my husband and his wife don't deserve what is being done to them, but both of them have been confronted by how AP and I feel about each other and neither of them wants to accept the truth and refuse to believe that this is how we feel about each other. I guess the matter of the fact is, if I can't have what I want, I will have to accept what I do have and try and make it work. Like I said, I do love my husband and he is a good man. Financially, we're both better off staying together. Like I said, it's a complicated mess that I should've known better than to get involved in, but I can't change what happened. I wasn't out looking for a good time or just a random romp in the hay, I really fell in love with another man and he with I...just bad timing.