What is the Point of a Long term Affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2010
What is the Point of a Long term Affair?
5
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 1:03am

I was wondering for those of you who have emotional ties with your AP as to why you would want that with someone you really can't have. To have an AP just part-time and never getting access to him/her until he/she is done fulfilling family obligations first before having time for you can be disheartening. It is a lot of work to emotionally have feelings for someone as much as you would in a relationship and then realize that this A is not going to progress further.

My biggest struggle is accepting things as they are. As the months turned into years, I am realizing that I really feel something strong for my AP. I am afraid of the day when this will fizzle. I must admit I don't think I could have another A after this simply because I do not want to be put in this position again.  Any thoughts or advice is welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2009
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 10:02am

You've answered it yourself in your first sentence - its the emotional ties. Its these emotional ties that are hardest to break off . Sexual ties are nothing but a physical act that one can have with practically anyone ( not saying anyone with anyone kind of way ! ) but emotional bonds are something you have only with certain people . Thats the reason people say that emotional affairs are more dangerous than physical ones.

Emotional APs go back to each other and find peace with each other only , knowing that they cant be together etc. 

Break off slowly or in one go. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 5:10pm

I think it depends on the type of person you are, and what you can handle.  I agree that it is too difficult to try to reign in your emotions when you care about your AP.  In my A, once I fell in love with him, it led to a few years of turbulence in our R.  Eventually we both realized it was the friendship that was important to us, and that the romantic/sexual side was making it too complicated and difficult to handle.  So we stopped the A and remained friends.  It was difficult for me the first year making the transition, but now I am used to it.  Sometimes I miss the closeness we used to have, but truthfully it was so exhausting by then end of the A that overall I am happy with how it turned out.

For some people, the romantic side is the most important element of the A, so I think for those people it would be really hard once that dissatisfaction sets in.  Seems like the only options in that case are to stay on the roller coaster to enjoy the good times, or end it completely.

Other people seem to be good about compartmentalizing and they may be happy in a longterm A for many years because they have the ability to be happy with the time and attention they get.  I don't think most of us are built that way, though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2009
Mon, 09-16-2013 - 6:47pm

It's not a case of wanting the emotional ties they are just there and have been since we first met when I was 15 and I'm 60 now! Those ties didn't diminish during the 34 years we were apart for either of us, in fact they've just grown stronger, and now neither of us can imagine our lives without the other in it in some way or other. In a couple of years I will have some financial independence and some 'complications' in my life will have resolved and then I may suggest we take things to another level, but for now I just have to accept things as they are. I don't think I could ever get involved with another man on an emotional or physical level if my A ended.  

katuk
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 10:17am

I agree the emotional ties are terribly hard to break, and maybe impossible for me, seeing I've been trying for a few years now. For those of you that have ended the PAs and remained friends, how do you deal with them moving onto a new relationship and all that entails? , ie being physical with someone else. How do you remain friends? I'd have to end all contract.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2013
Fri, 10-04-2013 - 10:19am
The physical part is easy to give up IMO, but the emotional part may stay with you forever.