What r the ReaL signs he will leave W?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
What r the ReaL signs he will leave W?
21
Fri, 06-05-2009 - 1:37pm

i have been with a MM since the beginning of Sept last year.

~k
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 3:06pm
Dont worry about your biological clock...women are having kids in their mid 40s nowadays....also having a kid because everyone else has one doesnt make it a good idea....babies grow up...they
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2008
Tue, 06-09-2009 - 7:39pm
Thanks, iluvjohn...just BE careful is all I'm saying. I'm hoping you haven't ended up with a man like my Xap. Hopefully he has the balls to actually follow through with everything. XAP would actually take the steps to leave, but he could never follow through because he would let guilt and the fear of finances overcome his feelings for me. I told him several times that he seemed to have a lot of people telling them what THEY thought he should do with his life, I said, one of these days, you're going to have to make decisions about YOUR life YOURSELF!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 12:09pm
yea you are right! idk what to think or how to think now...
~k
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 4:03pm

kind of sounds like a not so healthy relationship, almost abusive (I know that word is too strong, maybe even over used) like he wants things they way he wants them and he sure doesn't want to discuss them.

My honest opinion, just wait it out. Get on birth control, stay on it until you are READY for babies, whether that is with him or with someone else. Sorry to him, but this IS your body and your life, and you need to be very careful and sure of yourself. You are too old to go off acting like a child (even when we want to! LOL) and too young to waste your life. You are in your early 30's if memory is serving me, so you have some time, but not a lot of time. Maybe this isn't the right guy for you, or maybe he is. If he's leaving his marriage for you, well, we know that's not the right reason to leave. I would only make pie in the sky dreams for now, until he's really leaving. then, and only then, and after you are married, then it's time to consider babies.

I completely understand that wanting babies, too. I'd have a million more, but my health won't support it. My om is madly in love with me, and wants me to be happy, and wants me to have more babies because it's what I want. But, we aren't having any more babies because he doesn't want more and because my health won't support it. I think if I was ok to survive a pregnancy, he would be ok with having more. But at our age, he wants to focus on retirement and on raising the children we each have. If he was pushing me to DO anything, I'd be pushing back hard, pushing him away.

Your AP needs to be realistic about starting a family. He also needs to be realistic about YOUR needs. You have a driving need to talk, to be talked to, to be heard and understood. That doesn't always mean he has to fix anything, just hear you and understand. Right now, it sounds like he's not understanding you or really hearing you. You have valid feelings and concerns and he's brushing them away.

Maybe you need to flip this all back on him. You said "he'll give me the whole speech about why are we together if i cant talk to him?" Put that back on him. What is the point in being together if you can't talk to each other about everything, even the uncomfortable stuff? If you can't openly ask the same questions again and again, have the same discussions again and again, what's the point? Right now, you are insecure in the decisions you 2 have made, and you need to keep having the same talks over and over. What's the point in the relationship if you can't both give the energy to help the other? If you can't openly talk to him, if you can't ask him anything and get a reasonable conversation in return, what is the point? He tells you that you are acting childish and to stop asking over and over, and he gives you the silent treatment. Um, if you can't act like a fool with your life partner, who can you be foolish with? Why does he need to knock you down a notch like that? How insulting to be told you are being childish! That makes me ANGRY for you! We all act stupid and childish from time to time. If I tell my om that I'm acting childish, or stupid or whatever, he's quick to remind me we all get to do that from time to time. I have come to expect him to be supportive, no matter what the content. He calls me on my crap (like this morning when I referred to myself as a whore, and he hates that) but he does it with gentleness, kindness and love and openly expresses how he feels about what I'm saying. THAT is why I'm with my om.

Ask yourself a hard question, why are you with your ap? What is the point? How do you feel when you are with him, and when you aren't? Can you do better than this guy? There really are some terrific guys out there who are single and really wanting the same things you want. I know you want this guy and only this guy, I totally get that feeling. But let your imagination wander and enjoy mentally being treating like the princess that you are, that you deserve to be, don't plaster a face on the man, and see how that feels and if your guy measures up.

sorry so long

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
Wed, 06-10-2009 - 6:00pm
Oh, luvjohn....he sounds so much like XAP....he used to tell me all the time how he wanted us to be OPEN and HONEST with each other and if I had any questions to just ask or if I had something on my mind, just let him know....yeah, well, then he'd turn around and use those same questions and things on my mind to throw in my face when he was trying to push me away. He would always tell me how he was more honest with me than with anyone.... Oh, really, I'd sure hate to see how things would've been if he'd been LYING to me.....HA!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2008
Thu, 06-11-2009 - 10:00pm

iluvj0hn -


Oh. My. God.!


I think you are dating my recent xAP!


But seriously, I don't blame you for asking questions.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 2:38am

Lost,


Why are you still with this guy???? He lied to you about being married, where he lives, who he lives with and who knows what else......you know that he lies to you about...this are BIG lies...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 5:27pm

thanks for all of your replies......

~k
Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 06-12-2009 - 11:38pm
have you looked at marriage builders.com? maybe you can find some tools there to start to dig out of your mess and start working things out with your dh. Just a thought
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 06-15-2009 - 1:12pm

thank you momtb4...


im really, for the time being, just focusing on me and my health right now.

~k