What should I do? Guilt and Pleasure? need a quick response

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
What should I do? Guilt and Pleasure? need a quick response
8
Thu, 10-18-2012 - 6:21pm

Please help me decide what to do..

I have been in a LDA for the last 6 months.  I see the AP typically during the week while we are both traveling to the same city.

He makes me incredbily happy and we have a wonderful time together. 

Unlike most people in affair, I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband of 20 years that I adore and terrific, young children.  Why I am having a affair has only come to me since I started therapy after meeting my AP.  I understand why I am with and attracted to my AP and why ending the A has not been emotionally possible for me yet- and I am not sure when it will be.  What I do know is that I never want my family to find out about this, I want to grow old with my husband and have no interest leaving my husband for the AP.  It is very unlikely that my DH would ever find out- with the long distance and very little contact with the AP when I am at home- so it is fairly safe (posting on this board is the most unsafe thing I do).

Since I typically only see my AP when I am traveling for work and during the week, the relationship hasn't directly affected my family.  I would have been traveling anyway, it is just instead of going to my hotel room alone those nights,  my AP is with me.

One thing the AP (who is divorced and has two teen kids) and I crave is just a normal, non-hotel, domestic experience.  I have been to his home a couple of times, but always during the week and there is always something going on at night (dinners, meetings, etc).  I decided somewhat spur of the moment to make plans to go see him this weekend- when we can just relax and be with eachother without any obligations.  

I decided to go this weekend because my kids were going to be spending the night with family and my DH was going to be out of town... so essentially I was going to be home alone.  

Well, that has changed.  It is complicated, but for the most part because I was planning to be out of town (which my DH thinks is for business) my husband had to cancel his trip to take our kids to events, etc. 

I now feel like if I go, I will feel so guilty for leaving my family behind, making my husband do everything, missing the kids events, etc.  But at the same time, the tickets are bought and paid for (non-refundable) I really want to go and spend this quiet time with AP and if I cancel last minute my husband will wonder why...

Any advice?  

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007

I am jealous!!! lol  I can't find the time to be with AP.  Frown

From your post, you don't seem like a neglectful mother or wife, and you already made the plans.  I say go and have your fun.

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006

Mama,

Forgive my lack of addressing your original question.  I simply want to share a story of caution, since you say you want to protect your marriage and avoid a d-day.  A number of years ago, one of the members of this board shared how her AP got caught.  They had a very similar situation to yours (he traveled to her city frequently for work, but other than that, they had very little contact).  This one day, SHE was actually visiting his city and he was returning home from a city other than her home city.  They decided to spend the night at a hotel near his home airport.  Unfortunately, he checked a bag on his flight, and the airline lost the bag.  His plan was to tell his wife that he was returning the FOLLOWING day.  But, his bag arrived at his home airport on the previous day - the airline called his home, his wife, to tell him that they would deliver the bag to his house.  He was completely unaware of this until he returned home the next day to his wife and his luggage.  He was busted.

Historically there have been many, many stories like this on this board - those who thought they were being so careful had their secret shared because of something outside of their control. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004

I call it the triple F (Fickle Finger of Fate). The unexpected can always happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Thanks for both your comments. I know there is always a chance to get caught.... Especially in this case, where the trip itself is a lie. This makes me more uneasy than when it is just luck that I am in the same place at the same time as the AP during the week. One of the reasons I was initially ok with going was my DH was going to be camping so I wouldn't be able to talk to him during the weekend, which meant I woudn't be lying to him. Now, I will have to talk to him and I will have to lie. The entire thing makes me nervous and guilty. But..what is it with affairs? I am still so drawn to going- it is ridiculous. The bags are packed, the flt is in about 5 hours and I still have not decided what to do..
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2012

I may be too late to chime in on this one.  I say go for it.  I mean if the flight is already book, it was obviously something you wanted to do.  Maybe it will give you some clarity on what you really want out of a relationship with him or maybe you may find out its not what you want at all?  Sounds like you are a great mom, and as a mom myself I know sometimes we are too hard on ourselves and never enjoy some us time.  I say go and have some fun. 

Community Leader
Registered: 09-21-2007

So, did you go or stay home?

 

Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005

Thanks to everyone that responded. 


I did end up going.  I have to say that when I stepped on the plane, if I had been allowed, I would have gotten off. It was a horrible feelign the entire flight there, but as soon as I saw my AP, I was home.  The weekend was wonderful and relaxed and for the most part everything we wanted.  

There were a few tense moments that turned into a nice one- my AP started said something about how he knew never to get too close to me or fall too hard because how I have repeately said how much I love and adore my husband and how I would never leave him.  When I questioned him on that he said " would it be better if I was constantly was trying to get you to break up?"  The thing is that he also has repeately said that he doesn't want to be remarried again..so not sure why he even said that. It is one of the reason's why I think our relationship works, I am not expecting anything he can't give me.  However, I think me being with my husband it actually very hard on him and I never really appreciated it.   Anyway- the next couple of hours after that he just kept digging himself deeper, talking about past relationships (ugh..which is very difficult for me to hear) and this may sound silly, but consentrating on my looks..which then I snowballed into the only thing he sees in me is my appearance when I am thinking there is inexplexable attraction and connection on such a deep level.  Anyway, I was very hurt and it started to show.  I ended up telling him how much it hurt me, especially because  (and I voiced this) "I love you" ..we have never said the "L" word..skirted around it a couple of times- but it has never been said.  I expected him to just comfort me when I said I loved him, but he immedately said it back- which is wonderful.  

We only said it that one time, he called me "my love" the rest of the night, but no more "I Love you" 

The next morning he refered to again, said he thought it was important that the talk happened and the revelation happened- but I didn't say it again and neither did he.   And here's the thing..I know he wants me to tell him I Love him again.  I know it.  But why can't he say it first?  I was also upset last night because I texted him "Sleep well, my love" and all he texted back was " mmmm"  My response was " that is a big old matzo ball hanging out there now" (from Seinfeld) and no response.  so now I feel just sad and mad about it.  Is that silly? 

Anyway, for the most part it was an amazing couple of days.  We are good together.  I sometimes wish we weren't.  I wish I could easily end this with just wonderful memories and no one worse for it.  But there is a pull to him that I can't sever, I burn for him.  

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2012

Oh, it's always so complicated, isn't it?  Remember when you and your husband were first lovers?  It was exciting and new, you couldn't stand to be apart.  Then, the years took their toll.  Other things (besides sex) too priority.  So now you've found someone new, who is fresh and exciting, makes you feel young and sexy.  Ho Hum.  Same old story.  Now, when you and 'new guy' hook up, guess what?  In a couple to a few years, you'll be bored again.  Time to look for someone new.  My husband has done this 5 times, the married woman he's been living with is on her 7th.  You shallow, narcissistic people do need to find each other, you can then drive each other crazy and leave the rest of us alone.  yes, I'm bitter.