what should I do? married co-worker

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
what should I do? married co-worker
15
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 10:13pm
Hi All. Some of you may remember me from a couple of months ago. I wrote asking you if you thought a married co-worker was interested in me. He was doing some serious flirting, suggestive sexual innuendos, winking, brushing up against me, etc. The flirting was becoming intense from both of us. He'd "joked" about us dating. I'd become VERY attracted to him. We are both professionals and I was very cautious and concerned about getting involved. You all agreed that you thought he was interested in starting something. He is a flirt, but more so with me than with most. I cooled off for a while because I got scared. Now, I can't go a day without thinking about him. I realize I really do want him but I'm scared to make the first move because I'm afraid that he might reject me. I have this fear that he's just flirting. Others at work have said they think he wants more (at least when we've all partied together and he's been drinking). I'm quite sure that if he's had a few drinks, we could end up in bed together. Problem is our work schedule rarely works out that we can get together after work for drinks with a group of people. The only solution is to make a move and see what happens I think. But I'm scared to do this since we work together and what if he turns me down??? Or what if he doesn't and then it changes things at work??? But I can't take this much more!!!!!!!!!!

Has anyone else been in this situation?? Our flirting cooled down some, but I think it's because I haven't made myself available lately for it. I'm starting to again and would like to take it further. Should I let him know? How do I do that? Any suggestions. I'm dying here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't want to make a fool of myself. How can I suggest something and make it so that if he doesn't want to we can still be good work partners and still have a good work/flirt relationship. We are obviously attracted to each other.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 9:37pm
We flirted along time. Then he finally kissed me. We've been involved about three months and so far things are going great.And yours could have the same fear because of the situation.It's not easy from that point of veiw either.If he's still flirting go ahead and flirt back. See where it takes you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 4:01am
Hi just read about your situation, It sounds like one I was in 2 years ago. We worked together for 7 years, the flirting got intense. It was'nt tell 2 years ago It hit me like a ton of bricks. I could'nt stand it anymore, I was so attracted to him and wanted him so bad. I knew he was married, and I thought flirting at work was as far as it was gonna go. I was so wrong. I could'nt stand it anymore, but I did'nt know how to approch him. (the right time, etc..) I sent him an email with very strong hints. The next year we spent every lunch break and any other time we could together. Getting closer as time went on. It got to the point that we did not care who knew at work. You have to think about how important your job is to you and him. Everything was great between us, (except of course him being married) and everyone knows life has its ups and downs. Its how we deal with them that matters. I ended up losing my job after a year of us dating, they used some excuse other than us dating to get rid of me. I was scared at first, being there so long, did not know what I was gonna do. It ended up turning out better reguarding work, cause I found another job doing the same thing only making 2.00 more an hour. Sorry I am rambling on and on. To make a long story short, I have no regrets at all, We are still seeing each other. follow your heart!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Wed, 12-10-2003 - 11:46am
I could have written your post about 9 years ago. I am in an A with my boss. We are both M with children. We flirted and did all of the things you have mentioned for a few years before we kissed for the first time. Our first kiss was at a going away party for a co-worker. We have gone through the same things you describe...getting close and then backing away because we know it is wrong. We would have "makeout sessions" then pretend that nothing ever happened. It drove me crazy. I thought about him constantly. Little did I know that he felt the same way. This went on for several years and in the last year and a half things have gotten pretty intense betwen us. He told me a few weeks ago that he has loved me for at least 5 years. We still have not had ic but do just about everything else! We are best friends and I hate to say it but "soul mates". It has taken us many years to get to where we are now but I am glad we did! We have our ups and downs and a few co-workers have started asking questions. One co-worker asked us point blank "are you 2 having an affair" I laughed it off and said oh yes, we are having a torrid love affair and he said I'm glad someone is.

Only you can decide what you want to do. If you want to pursue this start the flirting again and see where it goes. From what you have said it seems that you both want this to continue but are both afraid. Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 12-21-2003 - 10:44pm
Hi juliet

Your situation sounds a lot like something i'm going through, I'm infactuated with a married co-worker as well, I posted here a couple of months ago asking for advice on whether or not anyone thought he was interested in me, the flirting the brushing etc, you know it all....I got a lot of responses saying that he was, and that i should just forget about it. I know its wrong and all, but i cant go without a minute without thinking about him. Its getting to a point where i'm starting to throw hints that i want to spend time with him and all. We have a similar situation and i am so tempted to make the first move. But i'm completely scared too as this is my boss. Maybe we can discuss our situations and help each other through this...my email is hopehar93@yahoo.com. I say make the first move if you are absolutely certain that this is what you desperately want. I think we both know that this is wrong, but heck we cant help it...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 12-22-2003 - 11:34pm
Thanks for the reply. In fact, thanks to everyone for the replies. I know someone mentioned being afraid of starting something because he's the boss. And yes, this is a factor. But I'm also afraid that if we do start an affair that I will fall head over heels in love. And I know the statistics. They rarely leave their wives. I don't even know what his homelife is like. Other than overhearing a few halfway snide comments about his wife to other coworkers. Still, even if he's not that happy, he has young kids and so many fail to leave their wives when kids are involved even if they are unhappy. I've told myself that if we started an affair I would end it as soon as the feelings started but could I really??? And still work together? Still, the other part of me says, go for it, take a chance--it's killing you the way it is now anyway. I know I'm rambling here. But I think I'm going to continue just flirting for now. It's alot of fun. We'll see where that takes me. Probably nowhere since neither of us seems to be able to get the guts to make the first move. He's dropped strong hints before that I ignored because at the time I wasn't ready. Now that I think I'm ready, he's quit dropping hints. He just flirts. Ok, I 'll quit rambling. He's on vacation this week so nothing will happen this week at least!

Thanks for your support even though I'm not quite in an affair-just thinking about it.

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