What Was He Thinking???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
What Was He Thinking???
8
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 12:45pm
You will not believe what just happened! As I have said before my MM and I work together and see each other on a daily basis, just NC on the weekends. He doesn't know that I come here to talk to you all and has always told me never to tell anyone. Well, DUH!!!

Anyway, he told one of the men that we work with, he didn't tell him anything about the feelings that we have for each other, just that we have had a sexual relationship. Well it doesn't end there, this man confronted me about it and I filled him in on all the rest of the details all about the L word and other things. What now? I'm freaking out here, why did he do that. I feel like he made me out to look like a terrible person, by not telling him that there were feelings involved. Please someone talk to me, I'm so losing it right now.

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 1:07pm
I can't see where this one guy thought it was any of his business to inquire further into your R with MM. This is the first time I've had an A, and it's been long going. Over 5 years. I can't tell you when I've been happier. Although MM should have taken his own advice about not telling. You are not a bad person. Many people are in an A because they lack something in their lives, or R with their SO's. Unfortunately, sometimes a R can be very obvious to co-workers. As in my case, MM and I work together. On a daily basis. When our R started up, we hid it the best we could. People guessed, and we've been lucky. We haven't had any problems. My advice is to talk to MM and see why he even volunteered any info about your R. Then you have to see where this goes. Are the people at work going to treat you any different? I've noticed that with my job, many of the people stay out of things. I've had one problem where this one guy was jealous that I had started seeing MM. He called me some names, but MM said something to him, and I haven't had a problem since. Everyone handles these things differently. Is this guy going to be a jerk and spread it through the work place? Or is he going to be cool about it and leave it where it is?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 2:33pm
I think that he will more or less stay out of things, but he has said "You should have known better." So with that comment alone, I feel awful. MM was the one to pursue me, I am not married, the ball was in my court so to speak. I could have told him to stop early on in this R, but I didn't want to, I needed someone to be in my life and he was there. I was led to believe that he would leave his unhappy M and we would try to have a life together, now I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 2:58pm
Here's some things to consider from a male perspective (as if I could give the female one, LOL.)

Did the other man from work ever express an interest in you? My initial reaction is that he's jealous, and thus trying to make you feel guilty about messing around with a MM. If this guy from work is married, he might be jealous he is too scared to have an affair but would really like to. Or if he's single, he might be jealous that the MM gets two women while he has none (or one.) Or maybe he just wants you and doesn't have a chance so he'd like to mess up the MM's happiness instead.

Is he your MM's rival in any way? Maybe the guy from work said, "I'd like to give RJH the lovin' like there's no tomorrow." That might have set MM off. Or if they are rivals, he might have mentioned just the sexual part to 'one-up' him.

Look, men who are anywhere close to peers or equals view each other as rivals, potential threats to our being the alpha male. I'm not saying we're all proud of that. I'm just telling you that's a real possibility because men are stupid and stop thinking when we are: (a) faced with women we are attracted to; and (b) faced with a rival.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 3:23pm
Actually he did express an interest in me, he is also a MM, he told my MM that he thought that I needed a change in my life. I am dating other men, I haven't put my life on hold waiting for my MM, but I don't have someone to go home to every night. He told my MM that he thought I was lonely & he was going to try & make a move. MM told him that we were having an A & then told him no feelings were involved. That's why I am so pissed off at him. Why would he tell him that? Sorry that I keep going on and on about it, maybe I am overanalyzing a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 4:03pm
ahhhh.... well, now it all makes lots more sense. And I don't blame you for being upset or analyzing.

I don't know your MM, so it's hard to guess. I'll make a few suggestions for possibilities, but if I were you, I'd personally twist the truth out of this fool. And yes, I know none of these are really very flattering possiblities, so again -- get the truth from the horse's mouth. As always, I might be completely off the mark.

He might have told his rival there were no feelings because he wanted to make you sound like a plaything, thereby reducing your value as a "prize." He might have told the guy that because he hopes he will make a move and get him off the hook. He might have told him because he wants to act like it's not a big deal so the rival has nothing to gain from holding anything over his head. Maybe he wants to paint himself as a pure stud.

But if he said no feelings were involved... well, I'm evil. I won't tell you what I'd do if two women were doing this to me. But it would make Dark Vader flinch, I promise you that.

rain

(who pretends to be a better person, but who still enjoys well-deserved revenge)



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 4:24pm
Rain....

I just love your replys. You don't know how that picks me up, I need everyone of those I can get these days. My MM and I have been together, as you know from previous posts almost 2 years, this is the first time that I have been this angry with him. He is already gone for the day which is probably a good thing and we will have NC until Tuesday morning. My anger will stew all weekend now and believe me I will get my revenge. Don't know how, but I will come up with something. Any ideas.....anyone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 5:17pm
"If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge? "

--- William Shakespeare

LMAO.

Yes. Lots of ideas for revenge. Properly stewed and spiced with your own pain for a weekend, then left to cool, I'm certain this particular Dish Full of Revenge could be served ice cold yet still remain tasty! Well, for the server, anyway.


But I'll offer you something else instead.

Take the weekend. Cry if you want, stomp your feet, buy cheap dishes from Wal Mart in order to smash them to tiny bits... whatever it takes. Purge, purge, purge. Shop, shop, shop.

Then, when you can't scream, cry or afford to smash or buy anything else, sit down and write a letter of advice as you would to a close friend in your situation. Be honest. Be forceful but gentle. And be a good friend.

Then next week... don't explain, don't discuss, don't vent... and no matter what, don't be drawn back in to his little circle of game playing. Start your week by reading your letter from your friend, take that good advice, and show up for work a new woman. A single, free, amazing, confident new woman with nothing to lose and day upon day of possibilities ahead of you.

You deserve no less than this and continued happiness. Don't take any more disrespect from this man. End this a winner by walking away, despite how sweet revenge might seem. It's sort of like Chinese food... it's tasty but not very filling. And seeing you happy without ever crying on him, pleading with him, pouring out expressions of love... believe me, that will be payment enough.

Good luck. I'll be thinking of you.

rain

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."

--- Mahatma Gandhi



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Fri, 05-28-2004 - 5:32pm
Thank you so much...just reading that made me smile already!!!

You know what, as bad as I hate to admit it, I still love this man & as right now feel that I always will. He can make me this angry and still the love that I have for him keeps burning right through that. Is that not awful of me to feel this way? Out of all he has put me through there shouldn't be anything left.

What do you do for a living? You always know just what to say to make me feel better. I have even gone back and reread my earlier posts and your replies to those.

Your OW is very lucky to have you in her life!! Give her the message, wish my MM were more like you.