What would you do...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
What would you do...
9
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:20pm
What would you do if you found out your DH or DW was also involved in an A? Would you still stay in the marriage? The question was posed to me by my OW.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:35pm
Hmmmmmmmmmmm............ in one way(selfishly)I would feel relieved. But honestly anything beyond that I'm not sure ....

My M is bad so and I do not love my H really. He's a good guy but that's about it; I have no desire for him but would I if I knew someone else did desire him??? Not sure.

I'm of no help to you...sorry... just rambling now...


v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:38pm
Hi there:

Been there, done that...my DH was involved in two or possibly 3 A's early on in the marriage. Stayed with him, had his children, truly forgave him. We have a happy, loving marriage. Only negative side effect (from his perspective, not mine) is that here I am in an A of my own. I love both H and OMM, and I just consider the two relationships to be completely separate, in the same way, for example, that having one close friend does not make it impossible to have another close friend. I think OMM feels exactly the same way about his W and me. Separate, but both women essential to his happiness.

hope that helps and welcome to our board!

barefootgirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:43pm
Well, I've moved and out and pretty much on... so...

If my W suddenly announced she was in an A? I'd congratulate her and try not to let on how excited I was (though truly, I would be happy for her, she's not a monster, she deserves to have love too.)

Then in a few days when I thought it was appropriate I'd bring up the idea that we should sit down and iron out our divorce plan, maybe even "do it ourselves" so we could file quicker and so we can both move on. Of course, she doesn't currently know about my A, but I would still get away with being so forward-looking and supportive because I've always been that way for her -- always told her she should pursue whatever she wanted, even years ago when I thought that meant leaving me for a better job.

Anyway, I can't honestly think of news I'd rather have today. LOL. I wish she'd have an A, it would make things easier.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 12:49pm
Been ther done that too! After being married to my H for 5 yrs and having his child I found out from a neighbor that he had been having an EMA while I was preggo's. Yep, and I found out while I was pregnant with the second child! Well, I stayed! Totally devistated, never have regained his trust and usued it as a manipulative tool. I vowed to him and the world that I would NEVER become a "whore" as i put it. Yep. I even used those words.... (and I don't see the OW as a whore now, I see her as someone that lacked something that she found in my H)

6 years later I am eating every word I ever said. Now I am sitting on the other side of the fence, and can see how it all started for him. Stale relationship... but, no I didn't leave out of a deep love, and our children.

Seeing love from both sides,

Jen

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 05-22-2004 - 3:03pm
I know this may sound hypocritical but I would kick him to the curb in a NY minute! Why? Well, I have done nothing but sacrafice in our marriage most of the times giving 100% while he gave nothing just so he can be happy. Everything I did I did in the hopes that he would be happy...none of it worked...he is always complaining about something in his life that isn't just right. He has switched Co.'s I can't even tell you how many times, he has moved us across state lines 4 times in the 20 years we've been married, just because this isn't right about this state or that isn't right. I'm done working so hard,I'm emotionally exhausted...so if he were to go out and do yet ANOTHER selfish thing like an A (he once bought a brand new Motorcycle w/o telling me) I would have all the ammo need to get out!

:)

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 10:40am
After 20 years of his drinking problem, putting the children and myself dead last, never following through when he was suppose to do something, I too would kick him to the curb. If this marriage had ever been a partnership or even a friendship or if he ever met me half way, I would not be in an A now. He could never say the same. Once he said "I do", he didn't.

Yep, he'd be gone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 8:02pm
I left my marriage, because for me, I decided that having an affair (which I'm morally opposed to and never once considered before) was the final sign I needed to tell me that my marriage was, indeed, over. My logic is that if there was even a breath of life left in it, and given my moral opposition to affairs in principle, I never would have contemplated one otherwise.

HOWEVER....I spent a month or two after the affair started trying to see if I could live the double life. Trying to see if I was one of those people who could decide she was complete and whole, just that it took two men to make her so. It didn't work for me. But, oddly enough, I think if H had been having an affair, it would have been easier to do, so I may have been more likely to stay in the marriage. Isn't that wierd???

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 11:53pm
I'd be relieved as well. If my DH was having an A, I'd have grounds for a D or at least a separation. Right now, I don't know what would give me the grounds. If I initiated a D, I don't know how I could explain it as everyone thinks I'm lucky to have such a great guy like my DH and I'd be crazy to leave him. And I can't help thinking that perhaps I am a bit crazy.

My DH and I haven't been intimate for a long time - over a year, maybe hitting two. If he was having an A, at least I would know he was getting some, and I wouldn't feel so bad since I'm getting some, but elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 12:43am
I couldn't get so lucky LOL....isn't that a terrible thing to say? My DH is literally obsessed with me, and I wish he weren't. Maybe it would ease my guilty conscience, I don't know. After 25 years of marriage however, that obsession gets real old.

If he'd have shown that kind of love and devotion to our kids over the years, kept away from the drugs/alcohol, worked a steady job, and let me have a voice in this M instead of yelling and bullying me, I know I wouldn't be in this A, either.

So if he were to have an A, I'd probably see it as my ticket out the door. Terrible, huh?

Virgogirl