What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
What would you do?
15
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:39pm
I know what I should do, but I don't know if I can resist. I am a 46 year old married male with 2 kids who has a great marriage for the last 21 years. I truly love my wife, and I always will. The only real issue we have ever had in our marriage was that she had a brief emotional affair 7 months ago with a co-worker. I was hurt badly (maybe still am,) but she ended it immediately, and we moved on. Now the shoe is on the other foot. An intelligent, beautiful 32 year old unhappily married woman and I are attracted to each other. After too many drinks a couple of weeks ago, we danced together and had a great time. Nothing physical occurred, but I could tell that both of us wanted more. She has stopped by my office a couple of times since then for business reasons, and the chemistry is still there. Here is the problem. This weekend both of our spouses will be out of town. We have not made any formal plans to get together, but the possibility that we will run into one another is pretty good. Every functioning brain cell in my head tells me to end this before it conceivably starts, yet I want to be with her so badly, that I can't even begin to describe it. What do you think of this situation? What would you do? I'd like to talk with a friend about this, but obviously I can't. Please offer suggestions or experiences that might help me through this. My heart is literally pounding as I write this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 3:39pm
hi gt. well, you are in something of a pickle arent' you! do you want to stay married? are you still harboring ill feelings toward your W because of her emotional affair? are you sitting on this "emotional affair" fence because you have no self-control and cannot say no to a "beautiful unhappily married woman"?

honey, only you know the answer to all these questions and you have to make up your own mind. unfaithful or faithful -- it's your decision. but taking that step over the line to a physical A is huge and guilt-inducing and maddening and exciting. it's a rollercoaster, no doubt about it. if you want to keep faith with your W and M and have a steady ride in life, just say "no". if you're looking for excitement, revenge, attention or just new sex, have the A. but be forewarned. it is not an easy path, even once!

think about what you're risking here. if you love your life and your W, just say no.

good luck.

life

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 4:09pm
I agree with life. I have a feeling that you won't be able to handle it being strictly sexual and you are already up to your ears in this emotionally. Your "pounding heart" while simply posting on a message board speaks volumes to me.

I suggest you don't go places where you can run into that woman this weekend. Better yet, get the hell out of town yourself. Leave your cell phone at home and stay away from communication devices.

Think long and hard before jumping on this heart and mind wrenching roller coaster, man. You have NO IDEA what a rough ride you are in for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 5:33pm
I do not feel that I am in a place to advise you one way or the other. Several months ago, I was in your shoes, and I chose to have the A. My life has since been turned completely upside down--in both good and bad ways. I would suggest that you keep a couple of things in mind if you do decide to become intimate with this woman. First, by just satisfying your initial curiosity, you will not get this OW out of your system. Quite the opposite, you will probably become more drawn to her than you are right now. You will want more and more of her. And, if you are anything like me, it WILL affect your M., whether or not you think it will. You will spend time and energy on the A that you could focus on the M. My OM is in my head every second of every day, and it has had a very serious impact on my M. Second, if you are in a happy M, and the OW is in a bad M, you should seriously consider the effect that the A will have on her. Regardless of your feelings, she will probably become quite attached to you. If you do go forward with this, please, please explain to her that you are happily married so that she does not develop false illusions. And continue to make sure that she understands where you are coming from. Don't mislead her.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Please keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:12pm
Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful response. What you say makes a great deal of sense. You mentioned that you went ahead with the affair and it has greatly affected your marriage. How so? What is better (if anything) and what is worse? What was the guilt factor? I'm sure I will end up seeing her tomorrow. What will happen, if anything, I am unsure about. You know, the weird thing about this whole thing is I KNOW it is WRONG to head down this path, yet I feel powerless to stop it. Does that make any sense to anyone? What the hell is wrong with me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 12:35am
I agree with most here. It will not get out of your system. You will be consumed with it. And if OW is in an unhappy marriage, she may cling to you. Be prepared for that.

If you are ready for that, then great! Go ahead. I was ready. I was unhappy in my marriage, though. But it sure made my marriage go quite downhill. It is a constant struggle every day to put on my mask in my marriage as I try to get things figured out financially and emotionally before I make the plunge to the big D. But that's several months away at least, and I have to deal with my fear of being caught every day and the emotional ups & downs because of my growing relationship with MM.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 4:09am
I'm in a similar situation, 6 weeks down the road. I've been married 12 years, with kids, and am having an affair with a single guy. I know it is wrong, and before embarking on the affair, had several sleepless nights over it. But heres the thing - I now know it is so right for me. I've felt no guilt over deceiving my husband, we've been having problems for a while, but I still have no wish for the marriage to end. I have been attracted to my OM for ages before the affair started, but I still chose to see him and go round there. My affair though, is making my marriage better. My OM is giving me attention and confidence I badly need, and with that confidence I am managing to push my husband into discussing problems and, hopefully, trying to solve them. I know this is not the normal way of doing things, but it works for me. I don't feel my affair is taking things away from my marriage, but adding to it.

My affair will continue, for as long as we both want it to, at the moment I'm just taking it a day at a time. Yes there have been problems in the affair, its a very emotional ride to be on. If I don't hear from him, or he changes our plans, I feel so down, but then when I know I'm going to see him, and for a few days after, I feel on top of the world.

You have to do what your heart tells you to do - but be aware of what you are risking, both by having an affair, and by the regret you will feel if you don't. Without my affair I would have always wondered 'what if...'. Life's too short for what ifs, so do what you have to, just be able to look back in a few years and feel happy, not regret.

keep us posted.

Vamp

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:22am
Again, thanks for sharing your words of wisdom and experiences. It really helps. It's funny how we try to justify our actions. If my wife hadn't had her little emotional affair 7 months ago, I honestly believe I never would have let the door to a possible affair open. I have had many opportunities with other women in the past, but I never let those situations escalate. This time, though, I'm not sure I can stop it. I really am not trying to get back at her for her past mistake. I think what happened is her actions opened the flood gates of my emotions, and what was once an unthinkable act, is now something that I realize is quite possible. Unlike what the marriage textbook says, it doesn't necessarily matter if the married people truly love each other. My wife loved me back when she nearly strayed and I love her now. Maybe it comes down to selfishness? So my question to you all is this--Have any of you strayed who were in happy marriages? And why did you do it? Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 9:45am
I am happily (and newly) married, and I have strayed. I NEVER would have thought that I would be one to go down this path - I love my husband and the life we are building together. I have a co-worker though who I have been "flirty friends" with a few years and for some reason this past fall it took a much more serious turn. I started making excuses to go to his office, we started emailing on personal email addresses, and then next thing you know we're talking about being attracted to each other and then kissing in his office. I could not believe I was there doing it, and yet I could't stop. That's kind of how it felt at first - like I was powerless to do anything about it. I couldn't understand why I was doing this if I loved my husband.

I tried to say that we were not going to sleep together, but the little bit of will power I had remaining went away back in January at a conference. It was an amazing experience - I have to say the best sexual experience of my life. So, as I had feared, it just made me want more, and more, and more. So here were are in April and we have managed to find a way to be together for at least a few hours at a hotel every week since January. We enjoy each other's company immensely, and we are still good friends.

We are both married and have no intentions of leaving our spouses. I still love my H and we are hoping to start a family next year. As for my MM, I don't know where that is going. I realized this past weekend that I am falling deeply for him, and it scares me. I think about him constantly (I have since this past fall) and I miss him when I can't see him. I want to say that it doesn't mean I love my H less, but I don't see how it can't change my feelings for H. It's all very confusing.

I would advise you to not go down this path, but it sounds like you have already accepted that it's going there. I was the same way - I couldn't believe I was doing it, but I just went along for the ride. I will tell you though that although our time together is wonderful, it is also a heart wrenching, painful experience. I am constantly amazed by the people on this board who are so settled in both their M and their A and are happily juggling both. I hope that one day soon I am either at that same point, or gone from this board completely and back to focusing on my M.

Good luck to you and keep us posted! This board is a great place for support - it has helped me out a lot even when I'm just lurking!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 10:00am


I don't think I have ever been "happily" married in the right sense. I have been content but not really felt like I was with a husband but a good friend. I have not felt intimate with my husband probably ever. I was very young and immature (21) and just felt like I needed to do something with my life at that time. In other words it was a long term solution to a short term problem!

I love my H, but he is like I said a FRIEND. I don't want to hurt him for the world but I have a strong need to be with someone I can connect with in an intimate as well as social way. I get that with my MM, although his story is different, he says he has a good relationship with his W just that she isn't affectionate and doesn't have the same sex drive as he does. We are more alike that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:24pm
Thanks for sharing your situation. It sounds a lot like mine. Here's what happened last night. I saw her in a group situation, but we had time to get away and talk alone. We both know that the "next step" is pivotal. I told her that I love my wife, and I plan on being married to her for the rest of my life. Yet, I have an attraction to this other woman that is not just going to magically go away. She feels exactly the same way. I felt better about getting our true thoughts and emotions out in the open, but now I long for that next step. What that step will be, I am not sure. I kind of thought I would wake up this morning and feel guilty as all hell just for having the talk with her, but I don't. I'm not sure what I am going to do. It's strange how this can feel so right yet I know that it is so wrong. Should I stop this now, or go to the next step? Why did you go there or not go there? Thanks.

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