What would you do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
What would you do?
15
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 1:39pm
I know what I should do, but I don't know if I can resist. I am a 46 year old married male with 2 kids who has a great marriage for the last 21 years. I truly love my wife, and I always will. The only real issue we have ever had in our marriage was that she had a brief emotional affair 7 months ago with a co-worker. I was hurt badly (maybe still am,) but she ended it immediately, and we moved on. Now the shoe is on the other foot. An intelligent, beautiful 32 year old unhappily married woman and I are attracted to each other. After too many drinks a couple of weeks ago, we danced together and had a great time. Nothing physical occurred, but I could tell that both of us wanted more. She has stopped by my office a couple of times since then for business reasons, and the chemistry is still there. Here is the problem. This weekend both of our spouses will be out of town. We have not made any formal plans to get together, but the possibility that we will run into one another is pretty good. Every functioning brain cell in my head tells me to end this before it conceivably starts, yet I want to be with her so badly, that I can't even begin to describe it. What do you think of this situation? What would you do? I'd like to talk with a friend about this, but obviously I can't. Please offer suggestions or experiences that might help me through this. My heart is literally pounding as I write this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:33pm
I am not passing judgement. Believe me. I am in an EMA and I am just asking a couple of questions. First, if you love your wife as you say and plan on staying with her forever, what is she not doing that makes doing this worth it? Wouldn't it be better to work on that with her? I say this because (I may be totally different) if I loved my husband still and planned on staying with him, I would have never noticed or wanted my MM. It was when I knew that we were over that I started to let MM in. We did the counseling thing and that really made me understand where we failed. Another observation from your post that struck me was that this will be just a sexual affair. I know that it is really easy, fun and exciting in the beginning. But, Women have a harder time separating their emotions then men do. You mentioned that she was already unhappy in her marriage. This might really be confusing for her. I know that is where I am right now. My MM tells me every day all day that he loves me and wants to be with me only. But, he still goes home to a woman he does not love because she is vindictive and uses their child and other things against him. I am ready to end it all. But, it was a question that my MM asked me in the beginning if I could handle it. (just a sexual affair) I said that I did not know. Well, it turned out that he told me he was in love with me 1st and before we ever made love. It began as a friendship that lead into an emotional affair and then one day he kissed me and that was it. We did not make love for another 6 or 7 months after that. Please for your sanity and your heart and the respect of your wife and friend consider if it is worth it. I wish someone had said all this to me. Good luck to you! :O)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:28pm
I mean absolutely no disrespect when I say this, but even if someone had "said all this to me", I really don't think it would have made a difference.

I felt exactly the same way as gtrmiler, in that there was a greater force pulling me toward the A. Almost like I didn't have a choice. Maybe this is my way of justifying my actions, but that it how I felt, and how I still feel. I've tried to explain this to my H, but he doesn't understand it.

Another thing that I have to disagree with is gtrmiler's feeling that if his W hadn't been involved in an EA that he wouldn't even be considering this. Never say never. My H says that he would never cheat on me, he has no interest in being with someone else. And he has told me that in the past he had plenty of opportunity to "cheat" as he was in a sales position and other women had shown interest in him. He said that it just wasn't worth losing what he had, to become involved.

However, it is my feeling that we do not have control over whom we develop feelings. Obviously, in these situations that he speaks of, although my H may have been physically attracted to those women, they did not connect on an emotional level. The sex part wasn't worth it, but if he had a chance to actually sit down and talk with anyone of these women (mostly waitresses) and discovered common interests, then I'm sure that I would be the betrayed spouse today. We all (and I truly believe this) have the strength to say no to sex, but once the line of emotional connection is crossed, the tug to "stray" is almost to much to bear (bare - I never know the proper spelling of that word).

I am not saying in the least, that what I have done in not wrong (in breaking marriage vows), I am human - and on occasion make mistakes (LOL). I fell in love with someone that is not my husband. This is where I think we are different from those that have "one night stands" - sex for the sake of sex. For me, if it was just a sex thing, I never would have betrayed my H. Admittedly, I am a very sexual person. I feel that if my H wasn't meeting my sexual needs, I would definitely voice my concern to him so that we could work on that together.

Emotional needs are another story. I have been hinting to my H regarding my feelings for xMM for almost a year now. Then, in November, I revealed to my H that I had fallen in love with xMM. He was hurt then, but we talked and talked about it, and in his mind, all was well. All was not well! The tugging was still there.

In my opinion, once a feeling is in place, you cannot just turn it off. No matter how much someone else may want you to. I have had almost 20 years with my H. I was totally in love - never thought I would love anyone else. However, in spending 20 years with someone, although mostly happy years, incidents, arguments, kids, everyday life happens, and the preconceived notion of what married life would be like turns into reality. Also, 20 years in, a comfort level is established. There is never a good time to walk away. Why would we give up everything worked for, especially when we could very well end up in the same boat with the OP once reality set in.

The decision of whether or not to enter into an A is not an easy one. My thought is, if you have to question that decision, then don't do it. If it falls into your lap like a lead weight, and you have no fear of the consequences, then you are already there!

That being said, the fact that you have posted asking for advice on whether "you should do this" says to me that you are already questioning actions that haven't even taken place, and therefore, you should put this behind you, hug your W when she get home and embrace the love that you say you have for her and she has for you.

I may be too late with my "advice", as the weekend is nearing the end, and it really doesn't matter what is said here, you will do what you feel you have to regardless!

JMHO

Take care

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:57am
Yes, I know, passion is very strong, just like I am going thru

with my MM. We have only kissed and touched a little, but the

next time might be our downfall. Im married 18years, he

10years, both have never ben unfaithful. We are both

a little afraid to go all the way.

I understand, we both want the physical so much, we cannot

eat,sleep and it is very hard to work. We keep fighting it, by

not seeing eath other very much, but we know some day

we will not be able to fight it any longer. It has been

5 months for us.....we have known each other about 3yrs, but

only on a professional basis.

Good luck to you, I do understand........

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 10:14am
Your wife has had an emotional affair recently and you are pondering a physical one. Although you say your marriage is a happy one but there might be issues in your marriage that you may not have acknowledged but that need to be addressed and which are prompting these affairs. My advice is stop seeing the OW and get counselling. Its probably normal to find somebody else other than your wife attractive dring the course of your marriage but you don't have to act on these attractions. If you feel the need to do it, you should first try to see whats wrong in your marriage and if its something thats not repairable its better to end the marriage than to jump into an affair.

Just a thought.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Tue, 04-20-2004 - 9:42am
Philly, what you say is true and it is the textbook answer to married people who consider straying. I have found that reality works somehwat differently, though. I am a logical, pragmatic person who loves my wife and family more than anything else in the world. That said, I cannot get this OW out of my head, and it is affecting me tremendously at work, at home, etc. Hell, I can't eat or sleep. So, the obvious answer to this malady is stop seeing this OW and focus on my family; and that is what I am going to try to do. I'm not sure how I am going to word my intentions, but I am going to do it. Maybe there will come a time in the future where we can be together the "right way." But, most likely that will never happen. I will thank her for the feelings of passion and desire that she brought out in me, and I will thank her for having the maturity and wisdom to not let our attraction advance to the sexual stage (I'm not sure I could have said no.) Lastly, I want to thank all of you people who posted responses to my situation on this board. It was so unbelievably helpful to be able to vent my situation and then receive thoughtful responses back. I think some of you should go into the counselling business as pros! If any of you have been where I am at now I would love to hear how it worked out for you. What happened when you saw the OW or OM in social situations? Do the feelings and desires dry up and go away? Thanks again!

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